Acceptance

Life is beautiful in 200 million different ways.

We get endless blessings and abundance from the Almighty on a daily basis.

It's good to remember that any time we feel that life (or God) is unfair.

We walk the path meant for us.

We survive the onslaught, and wake up to fight another day.

Challenges are common, it is to be expected.

What do I do now?

What is there to do, except to keep moving forward?

May we all be continuously blessed, every step of the way. 

Baseline for "acceptable" behaviour

We each have different expectations from marriage, or rather from the person we marry.

For me, I expect me to be respectful of my husband, fulfil his needs (within means, because I have my own needs too, and I work, and I have 5 children), be supportive (also within means, because I have some strong opinions sometimes), and loyal. Something along the lines of a company director's standard of behaviour, who owes "fiduciary duty" = hence I must take care of my husband's best interest at all times.

What I expect from hubby is primarily loyalty. I do not expect to be regaled, or to be bought expensive things, or for him to spend his days in and out with me, or endless holidays. I have my own money & I will get what I want when I have the money for it. I do appreciate getting help for the 'manly' stuff such as fixing the car or electrical repairs (because I am not interested in those, but now maybe I should take some interest, OR at least know the numbers of our friendly neighbourhood electricians, car repairmen and plumbers). 

Ex-hubby may have felt not needed in the marriage; he had said he felt like an ATM just dispensing money and not being involved in the marriage or the children's upbringing (he made that choice, he could have inquired how I was coping, handling everything); I may have neglected him, did not fulfil his needs (etc) and he went into another's ready arms.

Current hubby had emotional attachments to others during our marriage and provided comfort to these folks throughout our marriage. He thought nothing of it, because these relationships were not sexual, and he comes home to me (what's the big deal, since he has known them far longer than he had known me). From where I stand, my trust had been violated because he was supposed to focus on me & not on others, no matter how forlorn or needy they might be! Shouldn't they refer to their respective husbands or a therapist for these things? Why encroach into our marriage & discuss me even? If you want to be unfaithful please leave me out of it.

I have very clear lines drawn in the sand, and this one (of loyalty) has clearly been crossed. Once this happens, he can no longer decide anything on my behalf.

From either marriage, I do not expect Romeo & Juliet, or Marc Anthony & Cleopatra, or Helen of Troy-level of love. My bare minimum is to be loved and respected. Not even the utmost attention, because I have to have my space too.  Honestly not even birthdays or anniversaries, I don't really celebrate them. Just be there for me & try to understand me, that's it really. Maybe I should elevate this expectation the next time, until someone shows up (or never). I am okay either way. Marriage or romantic relationships are completely beyond me.

Maybe I am not easy to love? I put it down to that. I am not manja, or needy, or subservient, or a lifetime-companion-type person. At this moment I will be comfortable alone and take care of the children. They really have no choice but to be with me; we cannot be divorced; and our love for each other is unconditional, bound by blood.

Because LIFE is not a DeBeers Commercial

When I studied in the UK in the 90s, a common commercial before movies was by DeBeers, a diamond jeweler. They tend to push the solitaire diamond ring through the adverts, and how happy the potential bride would be to receive a proposal with a DeBeers ring.

The overall 'feel' of their adverts is about hope, and happiness, and the wholesome-ness of married life (into the future), because they started right (with the DeBeers solitaire diamond ring).

IF ONLY life is like that, our marital problems may be solved by the DeBeers range.

Start with the solitaire; then later on if she gets upset get her the bracelet, OR if she is livid buy for her the necklace/ choker, or anything expensive from their range (literally most of it). There is one for EVERY occasion, happy/ celebratory or otherwise.

Problems are not solved with "stuff" unfortunately, and life is not a DeBeers commercial.

When shit happens, dig in we should. Patience is golden, and hubby has TONS of it. I come in guns blazing and fiery. We would come to a point when we can be civil, but we may deduce different conclusions. We will continue to respect each other, that is a promise. 

Once the anger and disappointment dissipates, I will remember that we once loved each other. Well I did, I cannot speak for him. After 2 marriages, I still cannot figure out this 'love' business and won't inquire any further. I have done what I could in the time given, and within our circumstances. I will accept the card I am dealt, and move forward. Everything else is just details 💕

I Can Make it Through the Rain

This song played in my brain when I woke up this morning.

Apparently MC wrote it after her divorce. 

The MV tells the story of her parents' relationship. 

The song reflected both scenarios well, in my view.

MC's divorce was widely publicised, and I couldn't imagine what she might have gone through.

She was married at a young age to an established music producer.

If that is not an imbalanced relationship, I don't know what is.

She found the strength to walk away, and survived hell after the divorce.

Lost the rights to her old songs, but made LOTS more new & better ones.

Producers aligned to her ex refused to work with her, but she pushed through.

And the rest, may I say, is history (or MC would say "her"story).

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own cause I know

That I am strong enough to mend

Thanks MC for this song, for embodying strength, for being a total inspiration.

You truly are a Queen!

Anak Kadi/ Anak Imam

My late father was a Kadi/ Qadhi.

I remembered asking him, when I was about 9 or 10 (it didn't occur to me to ask earlier): "Baba, what do you do?". He initially giggled, and said you've never known what I do? (because he brings us to his office quite often; but going to the office is not akin to knowing what your father does).

He had answered along these lines "Well, I marry people off, and sometimes when things do not go well in their marriage, I listen & provide counseling". I didn't ask anything more after that & went off to either go to the kitchen, or play with my brothers.

When I was in high school (an all-girls' school), I got to know that there is only 1 Kadi in 1 district. His job was apparently pretty important. One day he came to my school during a Maal Hijrah event. He gave a speech/ sermon about family & becoming the best person in that family (for our context, he advised us to be good children & students; and since there are teachers in the audience, he advised on being a good husband/ wife/ parent). I was glad that the school did not announce that he had a daughter studying there (I would have DIED), but some teachers and friends knew. I wish they didn't, because I am happy being an unknown student. That day I saw a different side of him, and from his content understood (somewhat) his dynamics with Umi (mum) and us siblings. He was funny too, and engaging. Many students normally do not pay attention to Islamic-infused speeches/ sermons, but his was on fire and held their attention (if I may say so myself).

A Kadi/ Qadhi is a religious role, because the marriage solemnisation (and also counseling) will be done in accordance with Islamic rites and principles. Incidentally I would have loved to have him marry me off (looking back he probably would not have approved of BOTH choices), but for the fact that he passed away in 1991. I was merely 17 then.

As a Kadi's daughter, I was supposed to be well-behaved and proper. I was not, but I had to pretend to be . By pretending, I guess I walked the middle ground of being not totally pious but not totally naughty either. Well I wasn't a terrible student. I had my A's in school and I was one of the performers during major exams (not top 10, but may be top 20%?). I kept my nose clean. When the other girls were dating the High School boys, I minded my own business & often wonder who I will date eventually (that is another story for another day).

My paternal cousin's wife is the daughter of an Imam. Her father leads prayers in a masjid in Bachok, and sometimes give sermons (as well as marriage counseling) to the congregation. Someone like a Kadi, and nowadays Imams may also be certified to solemnise marriages. She, I think, is somewhat like me. We do not wear "tudung labuh", nor do we share preachings daily on our FB pages. 

We are, how shall I say, the moderate children of our religious fathers.

May I also say that I appreciate Baba for allowing me to be myself, and for not raising me in a very rigid way. I love you Baba, always and forever.

The Capacity to Forgive

To err is human, to forgive divine.

How do some women (some of them I know) allow their men to gallivant and play the fool?

"He comes home to me" she would say.

He sure does, maam. But do you care where he or his dick has been? Eww

[For the record, hubby has had emotional affairs & I have not found evidence of sexual contact.

Having said that however, I will not keep digging. Let me be ignorant in this respect; because I really do not want to know. I also want to keep the last shred of respect I have for him, for both our sakes]

Some women do forgive and repeat the cycle, ignore their gut instincts, and wallow in pain.

For the life of me, I really cannot imagine living like that. Suppressing personal feelings, in order to keep a husband & family together, and to comply with society's expectations.

I will probably not be popular as the serial divorcee. Well TWO is hardly serial, but you know... people assess value based on what they see. Honestly, I do not mind the judgy folks, because I know my family loves me; supports me all the way; and prays for my goodness.

At this moment I do not want to care anymore. 

In fact, I am no longer distraught.

I no longer have the pain/ fear/ anxiety/ questions:

Is he messaging her?

What do they talk about?

Do they discuss about me?

Is he thinking of her?

Are they out together?

Is he answering her calls?

Does he/ she/ they feel any guilt or remorse?

Because I do not care anymore.

Mentally and probably spiritually our ties are cut.

Legally, it will happen on 28 May.

He can do WHATEVER he wants to do.

He is a free man.

I am not interested to monitor,

Or speculate,

Or track his whereabouts.

Fly free my dear.

I wish you the best!

Family

We cannot choose which family we are born into.

We cannot be someone else's son or daughter.

We are here because we are meant to be here.

To be loved, and be related by blood.

We have our moments: highs and lows,

and everything in between.

We have had our squabbles,

We disagree on things,

We deliberate,

We discuss,

We decide,

To stay tight.

This bond, no husband can replicate. Unfortunately.

He is but a stranger in my bed.

How does he love me and others?

How does he protect my best interest while consoling someone else?

Does he think of me when he meets her?

Or does he think of her, when he is with me?

I shudder to think.

I have grown wiser from these moments.

Things happen for a reason.

No way I can argue with that.

What are these lessons,

but for us to learn from,

and grow,

and keep moving forward.

I will crawl if I have to,

BUT MOVE FORWARD I WILL!

She is not who they think she was

When I joined his family, his mom used to ask me to do a lot of stuff whenever I visited.

Clean the fish. Cook. Set the table. Wash the dishes.

Well I exaggerate. She did not ask me to do a lot of stuff, but compared to other daughters in law who was there, I was asked to do more (Again, this could be an exaggeration & hubby will vehemently disagree with me, but this is what I felt AND I am merely projecting my perspective here).

My mom had said this: Do they think that you forced him to marry you? 

Not sure where that came from, but that could have been her assessment as an older woman; and a mother at that. She sees these things as an outsider would, but with love & care for me.

Once when I visited his family during Raya, they openly discussed/ mentioned his ex-fiance from Terengganu. Why would they do that? 

It was my second Raya visit. We married in 2019 and I spend every alternate Raya in Kelantan YET they pinpointed this, when it was not at all necessary. It was strange to reminisce on an ex-fiance when he had brought his legally married wife for that visit. Maybe the ex-fiance was beautiful, and proper, and a good match? I will never know now, or EVER. Nor would I bloody care.

I had let it pass, as a joke, or as a banter.

They may be happy to know that we will be separating.

We did not announce our wedding, probably because he was not ready/ was forced?

Our divorce will be equally unceremonious.

Kak Ani will be crushed, and a few others I suppose. Or maybe not. I really don't/ won't know.

But overall (I think) they will consider me leaving as "good riddance".

Which is a pity, because he has a cool family.

Very laid-back, and understanding, and fun-loving.

Thank you Allah for this borrowed time & happy moments with great people.

I WOULD LIKE TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT HERE. 

I MAY HAVE FORCED HIM TO MARRY ME.

I DO ADMIT. 

AT THAT TIME AN ULTIMATUM WAS GIVEN TO HUBBY: EITHER WE MARRY BEFORE GOD, OR WE BREAK UP, BECAUSE I AM NOT A YOUNG GIRL ANYMORE.

I DO NOT WISH TO BE A HANGER ON WITH HIM, UNMARRIED.

PEOPLE IMPLY THAT I AM HIS FOREVER GF WHILE I ABANDON MY CHILDREN AT HOME. 

THAT IS NOT A GOOD LOOK IN ANY SOCIETY, LET ALONE IN AN ASIAN SOCIETY. 

SO WE MARRIED, AND HE KEPT AIZA ON THE SIDE BECAUSE THEY WERE BOTH NOT READY TO LET GO OF EACH OTHER YET.

BECAUSE THEY HAVE KNOWN & LOVED EACH OTHER FOR 19 YEARS.

LITERALLY  THEIR WHOLE LIVES #WaitForThatToSinkIn

SERVES ME RIGHT? PROBABLY

AM I ANGRY? YOU BET I AM!!!!!!

Well, once we separate I will leave it to him to spin whichever yarn he sees fit. The yarn that I cut him loose after getting a PhD is the most likely version. I cannot control that, nor do I see fit to go with him and qualify his explanations (AGAIN, because justifying is also NOT a good look).

Morals of the story:

1- Never force a man to do something against his will

2- You cannot make a person love you

3- Never complain, never explain (when people sees fit to smear your reputation)

I will keep walking with pride, and not be fazed with "judgements".

Who you think I am is totally different from who I actually am.

I am not answerable to you, capisce?

One Day I Will Be Okay

No matter how many times one suffers heartbreak, the pain is no less than the previous one.

We will remain friends I suspect, and eventually I will be okay.

Not okay like Che Na or Aiza, but okay like ME.

I do not want to get involved with him even though he is single.

I will move on up and beyond.

I do wish him the best,

For him to find someone compatible to spend the rest of his life with.

Only love can hurt like this 𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Intertwined

For every significant event I experienced with him, she would be privy.

An unwelcome onlooker.   

I didn't know then, but I know now.

This knowledge, equally unwelcome, is sobering.

Once I had said to him: we have been married 5 years and known each other 9.

He had replied: I had known others far longer.

Yes he had: both Aiza and Che Na were in memoriam since 2000 and 1990s respectively.

To this day they hung around, ready to spring to action once he messages them.

Who am I to encroach now, in 2019-2024?

I am but merely a blip in the radar.

Thank you for the memories, but I will be moving on.

You may carry on with the loves of your life.

I will not be the worrier,

Nor will I be the jealous wife

Who have no basis to complain anyways

Because you have known them both WAY LONGER.

Another sobering fact 👍

What I appreciated about him

This is a tribute, because I also would like to acknowledge the memories.

My husband is a kind person, very calm & caring

He goes out of his way to make everyone happy

When we go on trips, he is the most prepared person

He will have everything ready for us, and more

Events are fun with him, because that is his character: an entertainer

Everyone feels welcome and enjoys their moment

I have learnt to be more patient from his behaviour

To be less judgmental and more accepting of other people

He is generous, and hears me out

He respects his mum and maintains a close-knit family

You can ask him almost anything and he will oblige

We can talk about anything

and share view on most things

He is actually funny too, but his jokes don't fly very well with me

As a friend, I would say he is the best friend anyone could ask for

I do wish him the best, due to his kindness & constant support to others.

We will maintain our friendship,

and leave the rest to fate.

Psychoanalyse this for me

He messaged Aiza on our wedding night, to tell her that he will love her always.

BECAUSE they have been together for 19 years and it's hard for him to break it up.

He chose me to marry instead BUT became a buffer and supported Aiza to get over him THROUGHOUT OUR MARRIAGE, AND TO THIS DAY

Aiza married in 2020 & moved back to Kuantan in 2022.

They still contact each other, because they have CDS accounts & always discuss shares.

Aiza also appear to be a part time real estate broker & always forward potential deals to him.

He thinks he wasn't being unfaithful because he married me. He chose me.

Aiza he found not compatible to him, but she needed support to overcome her grief (of losing him).

And he provided that support to her, until the day she is okay.

WHAT A LOAD OF BULL!!!!

Already Gone

If/ When he messages tomorrow I will send the 2 messages he sent to Che Na and Aiza respectively, about them being the loves of his life. YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW MESSED UP THIS IS.

To make things absolutely clear, kosher, and without question, I will step out of the equation. It's getting way too crowded in there anyways. And I am not in anyone's league anymore.

I will rise to the top where the air is cleaner.

All the best my dear, in whatever you decide to do.

Choose wisely your next jodoh, as this door has effectively shut.

I have burnt the key AND the door. 

You do not want to be in my life, so you do not have to be

No you won't be invited to my graduation

No you won't be a part of my life anymore

I am going to cut you off right now

You are nothing to me

Every time I think of missing you

Or the remote chance of getting back together

I will slash them all 

By looking at your message to Aiza on 19 Feb 2019

Our wedding day

After being married to me

You declared that you will always love her

That was super messed up

Of course you have always denied it

EVERY TIME 

In the 5 years we were married 

I have asked about this person more than 5 times

You have always replied that she is your foster daughter

Your messages do not reflect foster father-daughter relationship

If I were a social worker 

I would remove her from your care

Because you seem to be a predator

Were they not reminders to STOP contacting her?

She has always been significant in your life

Then there was Che Na

Who was your flame from 19 years old

Who you never have quite forgotten

She was forced to marry the man she did not love

But pines for you to this day

To death

Was I the other woman?

I don't know

Because I am thoroughly confused

BOTH were in our bloody marriage

BOTH were married women

Then there is Azhani

Who you often contact 

Like a thirst trap

Also a married woman

I see a pattern

Who are you really?

The Pain is Real

No matter how many times this happens, IT IS SO BLOODY PAINFUL.

A crippling pain in my heart, which will only be healed with time.

Maybe this is why certain people self-medicate, or harm themselves.

Because the pain is so raw and real.

My second attempt at matrimony & it is again unsuccessful.

After the 5th year we are calling it quits.

By WE, I mean I, because the decision is unilateral.

But he will be forced to cooperate OR at least 3 people will be collateral damage.

My empire seems to be growing.

From 1 homewrecker to 3.

Trio tag team.

Well it is not entirely their fault because my husband started it all.

But I would argue that they are malicious accomplices

Because 2 knew I was married to him and referred to me by name in their messages.

Why would anyone do that to someone?

Somehow both men I marry seems to think I am docile, subservient and compliant.

They could NOT be more wrong.

They must think alaa, cakap aje ni

But I will do what I said I will do.

I won't back down.

I am stubborn and adamant that way.

Literally there's nothing to salvage.

My marriage is rotting away in the landfill.

OR rather, it is now dust in the wind.

Immaterial, fleeting, and forgettable.

Once Upon a Time B12

I signed up for a writing course, from now to 18 Aug 2024.

Why?

- To improve my thesis writing

- To start writing fiction

- To tap on the possibility of passive income

- and if/ when there is enough income, purchase the double semi D house with minimalist decor. hubby & me lives in 1 house & next to us the children will stay; we will have a common & outdoor kitchen: share the food and live close to each other/ be together always... and when they leave the nest the house can become a homestay.

Well the main reasons are the top 2.

The remaining 2 are lofty, but can still happen.

There is a 50% chance. It's do-able.

Let's re-visit this particular page in a year's time and see how we do 💃

I'm Looking for a Purple Pen

One of my favourite things to do is to browse at a stationery store.

Now that the ink on my purple pen has run out, it is an excuse to have a visit for a spot of shopping (if you can call it that, for I am a woman with few needs).

Which reminds me of this poem somehow. For some reason I cannot find it via google.

It originated from Japan, pretty famous. Which irks me because I don't know how to look for it.

About life being simple and wonderful, how the poet need no more than a bowl of miso soup a day to make him contented. Please help me look for this poem!

Back to the purple pen. Shopping day later @ the stationer's. For the purple pen 😂