What lies ahead is another adventure

Life happens, as it does to the lot of us. Whether forgiveness is what we chose to give, is our own choice to make. I was serious all along, that he should not have any remnants of past loves. He could be on good terms with his exes, like I am with ex-hubby #1 but it is nowhere close to his 'friendliness' with all those girls. I do not believe the words uttered to me anymore, because of what he did. His actions made me question EVERYTHING from the beginning to this current day.

So now I have ex-hubby #2 and I have let go. 

What happens next is anyone's guess. I will not be friendly with him like Aiza, or Che Na. Because we no longer have any relations with each other. This experience has cut me deep, and the sad thing is he insists that there was nothing going on with all those women. My "serious" and his "serious" does not appear on the same page of the dictionary, apparently. 

I cannot accept it when he belittles my reactions to betrayal. It is dismissed with an admission of guilt, and that it won't happen again. I won't know for sure if it would, or would not, happen again and I will not stick around to monitor, check or find out. 

For the sake of my sanity, I have let go. He is free to do what he wants. Whatever he considers appropriate, because he is now a single man. He had done many good things; I'd like to think so have I, but we are no longer compatible. We shall walk the path of self-companionship moving forward. 

She's not responsible for my life

She is not responsible for my life, or his life. She is responsible for her life, and the life of that child of hers, and to some extent the life of her husband.

Yesterday we divorced, and technically she is not responsible for that too. Marriage is between the 2 of us, and the promise we made to each other. Everybody else is immaterial.

It is not possible to turn back time. It is what it is.. We make the necessary choices, and take responsibility for them. This churning feeling will continue for a while more, before everything settles.

At one point I will forgive everyone who has wronged me. 

Perhaps I have.

 

The Last Knob of Butter : A Story of Food Ingredients

The last knob of butter was in the fridge, wondering who will pick it up & what will be its final contribution. Malaysia is a hot country, and the butter appreciated the fact that the homeowner placed it carefully in a container, within a cool ambience. It saw that a prospective replacement will be taking its place. Wrapped in silver plastic, the knob of butter lovingly recalled its early days where it was spread on toast and created happiness amongst the children who ate their Milo powder with bread. 

+ about the goings of items in the fridge & kitchen

+ activities that they were brought to e.g. picnic

+ the material they're made of e.g; c. ceramic spoon used to drink honey; chopsticks use to cook, instead of the stirrer; colander, salad spinner.

He is my friend

As a person, he is kind and helpful.

He's the sort of person who you can call at any time and he will come to help you out.

For this reason alone, I am glad to give him back to the world and all his friends (males & females alike). 

I have noticed that me being the wife is counter-productive to him, due to my needs and jealousy, and suspicion. Nobody needs that. 

As a friend, I will be happy to be on the side, as an observer.

He is free to contact anyone, to date anyone, to feel anything that he wants to feel about anyone.

Being a wife had made me an unreasonable and controlling person.

I am tired being that person. I am letting go to let him be happy.

Am I happy? Yes I have decided that I should be.

I may need to take a moment to mourn, and be angry, and go through my phases, 

and once I am done I will be completely and fully alright.

What did I expect?

There is a chasm of silence between us now.

At this stage I am just waiting for the final hearing date.

Things are going reasonably well, as if we're headed towards reconciliation.

However we are FAR from it.

I have decided to give him & Aiza the 19 Feb 2019 date.

Take it. It's yours forever!

[Pity, because it's a nice date too.]

As heartbreaking as that was, I have to keep moving on.

I have more dragons to slay as we speak.

PhD first, breakdown later.

 

There is no way to know for sure

Being a friend will be the easiest way to deal with this.

Being his wife, I had become too controlling and domineering.

Asserting my hold over him as MY husband,

Unreasonably so; I must have sounded like a silly ogre to Che Na & Aiza.

I prefer being his friend and be completely detached. 

I do not want to keep digging, or wondering.

I should have been the only one he loved, but alas I wasn't.

As disappointing as that may be, I have to move on.

Even until today I cannot be sure if he is still contacting her or others.

My heart feels that he still does, maybe not Che Na but Aiza.

But in fact I shouldn't care anymore, because we're getting a divorce.

We are going our separate ways.

Living our separate lives.

What is love anyways?

It is but a fleeting moment,

A brisk soft breeze in summer, passing through.

Had I loved him more... or less... than he had loved me?

I really don't know.

I can't know for sure,

Only God knows, 

and I do not want to go through his things anymore.

From the bottom of my heart,

I wish and I pray

That he will find someone who he will love and cherish wholeheartedly

For as long as he shall live

I know I have tried

But I wasn't good enough

So I will be on my way

I Won't be Like Aiza

Once this marriage ends, I will take care of myself and not rely on him like she did.

If he finds someone else, I will not assert myself as a lover as she did.

Our messages will steer clear from matrimonial-type messages, I am banning the use of LOVE and/ or any related emoji and we will never in hell match our raya outfit colours. NEVER.

He will not be expected to pick me up for dinners like she expected him to, while knowing in very clear terms that he was married to me.

If ever he sends me any lovey dovey message in the night before his nikah, I will screenshot it and send it to his to-be wife, so that she will know what to do. But then again I won't, however I might block him afterwards. For good. No woman deserves that fate. If a man decides to marry her, she has to be one he pays attention to, not his exes and past loves. There is no way in hell both of them could have justified this connection/ communication once he had married me. NONE. It is NOT friendship no matter how many ways they spin it.

Navigating post-romantic relationship & coming to the new normal of friendship is not easy. I can understand the time it took for both of them to return to 'friendship', BUT IT SHOULD NOT HAVE INTERFERED WITH OUR MARRIAGE AT ALL!!!!

That I had accessed his message without permission, that is immaterial. The fact that it happened could never be denied. I saw earlier (via the location app) that he was always in UM area on Sunday nights (when I return home to my children) was a FACT. That she left her things in the house uncollected until 2022 is a FACT. That they were once planning to wed each other was FACT. That she is special to him is a FACT. That they were housemates, even with his niece being there, was FACT.

I will never be okay with that, sorry.

A husband should protect me. 

I understand that Aiza doesn't have that responsibility. 

Regardless, I will not be Aiza.

For husbands all around the world: "Be her calm. Be her home. Do not be another battle she has to fight." "Her/ she" refers to your lawfully wedded wife, in case you were wondering.