No Dating Policy

At this very moment I have taken an executive decision. To be alone. To love myself. To heal myself, literally.

No more pursuit of this elusive creature called romantic love. Will put that in the back burner for at least 3 years. Study. Improve myself. Get a big-picture view on things. And basically have a good clear look on life.

Less drama & more work alright!

Running for My Life

At 7.30 there will be a flag off for the opening ceremony fun run.. for the Syoknya Ansara 2016 event (an alumni Sports Carnival).. I'll be the 3rd runner in a 5km race..

We will each cover 1 km & based on the schedule, we have an hour to complete the race.. seems very realistic & reasonable.. because the guys can run quite fast & the distance (that I see plotted on the map) appear to be less than 5 km.

Good luck to all of us. I would have liked to have trained more but this is the best I can do in the circumstances. I feel the adrenaline & I will run to recover my life. My run to establish how far I have become. Leaving the past & welcoming my future. Well it is not a trek up Everest because I'm far from ready for that one, but I will do my best (in the run, not Everest). Good luck to me *hugssss*

Simplify

Teaching Law to non-law students (in my case, business students) can be quite interesting, because it requires students to think & rationalise the issues based on 2 points of view AND apply the law to boot. It is too much for most students, but the more capable ones (or the ones open to challenge) tend to enjoy the process.

The next thing to teach is there may not be ONE right answer. Many students get completely shaky on this information, and I feel that in their minds they ask "then how do we know that we have answered the question?". My answer, if they ask aloud, will be "it is not the destination, but the journey that matters". Which is completely not an answer, kinda like Yoda telling Luke to just do it.. "there is no try, you either do or do not".

So what I try to do is to simplify the legal issues as much as I can, without making it so basic that we all missed the point. A delicate process, just trust me. You want to have enough substance to deliver, to enable students to grasp the key issues... YET it cannot be too technical that their brains switch off.

CIN 1

After the biopsy I went back to my gynae to review the results. Was informed that the sample collected has CIN 1 status. Pre-cancer. Treatable.

He illustrated some numbers:

CIN 1 CIN 2 CIN3
followed by
Cancer Stage 1 2 3 4

The options for treatment were:
1- laser surgery to blast the abnormal cells located at the neck of the womb, or
2- cryo to freeze the section

I asked for a week to think about it. And started reading about it. Well the good news is CIN 1 can sometimes clear all by itself & does not require any procedure done.

Most probably  will opt for that. Do nothing but maintain a healthy lifestyle and visualise myself being healed. In 4 months I will go for a repeat pap smear. Will only decide on surgery if it persists.

Stay positive my dearest. You can do this. *Hugs & Kisses*

Setting Myself Free

Last 2 nights I sent 3 messages... One to Aishah, another to Mr Ex & the third to my ex-MIL. All contained a similar message. To seek forgiveness. Because I want to close the chapter and move on.

Aishah responded & equally made an apology. Why not. All is forgiven. We have been through enough. Whatever that she did, I forgive her. I felt the release. The past cannot hold me in its prison anymore.

Next I messaged Mr Ex. To seek forgiveness for the time when I was his wife, up to this point. Because there is no more hatred. We have to raise 5 children together. We will be civil to each other. That's it really. I do not love him anymore... or rather, I do not wish to love him anymore after what he had done.

Finally, upon Mr Ex's suggestion I messaged my ex-MIL. Not my idea at all but since I was on a roll I decided to give it a go. As usual she indicated that Mr Ex still loves me (which I doubt) and the children (which I completely agree). I do appreciate her, and would let it be. No more. He doesn't love me... and I will not believe any other words to the contrary.

What's next? My solo trip. Hurrah!

Commitment-phobia

Why do some people refuse to be involved in a matrimonial relationship? Perhaps maybe it feels like a prison? Who's imprisoning who? Is the freedom of singlehood too enticing to let go of? Perhaps it is. Only a woman @ man who is worthy would be able to yank that person out & get him/her hitched.

Married life can be fun if you're with the right person. Having a best friend & confidant for your whole life is wonderful, I feel. The only 'catch' is you gotta take the whole package, warts & all. Do you have the guts?

Being married to the right person, you remain essentially you without having to change or shrink to meet his light. Both your light will be magnified to shine bright, if both work at it. Marriage goes beyond physical attraction, it is about giving a commitment to one person for the rest of your life.

As of now, nobody has asked me yet. Well one did, but we couldn't agree on the terms.. so it was better to walk away & leave the relationship to die a slow death.

Kaleidoscope of Emotions

Approaching the 2-year post divorce mark.. and I feel a plethora of emotions.. the questions still come but I don't feel obliged to answer them anymore..

Mr Ex & I can message & talk on the phone in a civil friendly way now.. and he gives me advice like a sane reasonable person.. Why weren't you like this before? Why did you have to be all nice & sweet to her and completely mental & berserk with me? This left me with a tinge of irritation "Why did I even bother?"

No more am I asking "Could I have done any better?"

I get it now. TOTALLY. There was NOTHING I could have done to change anything. It was meant to be.. and I ain't going back!!!

Planning a solo holiday in 2 weeks' time. Please let the forces of the universe collide and make this possible for meeeeee...!!!

My heart will go on.. and on... *kisses*

First Wives

Certain men forget that their first wives were the ones who rooted for them, went through the difficulties & rough patches together, and is probably one of the single most important sources of his success.

What does he do when he is successful? Cut her off for someone else.

This is my skeptical version. The story of my life.

However in contrast some (I wanted to wishfully use the word "most" initially) men held on, loves her in the best way he can & they can potentially become a power couple. To these men, I'd say "Good on you mate!" with 5 thumbs up.

Well, polygamy enables men to marry more than one but the first one is still the love of his life. (STILL don't understand this i.e. if you love someone why would you look for alternatives.. but then maybe it's just me).

If is up to me, no man should be allowed to divorce his first wife.. except of course if she is a psychopath.. or a deranged serial killer.. or has an affair with another man (disloyalty).. AND polygamy will only be allowed if she has major health reasons & there is a gap another good woman can fulfil (I stress on good woman because the replacements tended to be.. how do I say it nicely.. young beautiful & less inclined to stay when the going gets rough).

My point? Keep your first wives dudes! Your lives will be better for it.

That's why in life it is important to be thankful & grateful. Most men tend to look at the many flaws of the first wife & piled them on.. and justified an affair for the reason that he was not looked after properly.. COMPLETELY MISSING THE FACT that he is not perfect either, that she probably had to fathom as much of his crap AND manage the house and children WHILE working in a leadership position in a full time job!!!!!

Well it's good that we divorced. He can be happy with anyone he wants. I am convinced that no matter what I did would not have been enough because he is not thankful for his gifts.

The children and I will be alright. We will manage. Our life is becoming more wonderfuler by the day. And he treats me 5x better as an ex-wife. So there. This is where I am exactly supposed to be. Alhamdulillah.

Multiplicity

I am convinced that Mr Ex has multiple personalities. The children has mentioned more than once that he speaks negatively about me in their presence.. and when I confronted him.. he said he did no such thing.. that he merely listened to the children's view of me, did not comment (my oh my..) & had asked the children to look after me.

Anyway.. we have thrashed it out (I started the spark, of course) & will consider this as done. We will no longer revisit this matter or go round in circles until we're both foaming at the mouth, like we did before. See this is the great thing about being divorced. We can settle issues that we used to pick on to death.

Tomorrow's another day. I will keep being positive. He will no longer be given the permission to drag me down.

Just Words

Do men say certain words to get certain things from women? Is it an elaborate hoax or pretense or did he meant what he said?

When S said he missed me or loved me.. did they mean anything? Now I have decided to be strictly friends & he didn't seem to be bothered much by it. The deduction is: we probably had nothing. All that happened and the emotions I thought we shared- were just figments of my imagination.

No worries. All is well. We live and we learn. Life is like that.

Some men are for keeps while some are not.

Move on. You deserve better.

Courage

Had a biopsy on Tuesday. The pap smear results were abnormal so the gynae wanted to be sure. So next week I'll be seeing him again for the lab test results.

Best case scenario.. it is just an anomaly and my body heals itself.

Worst case.. the abnormal cells are malignant & I may have cancer (I hate this word).

However a good and wonderful friend reassured me that even cancer is curable, one of the ways is to let go of my past & stay positive.

So what I need to do know is look up. And be by myself, loving me unconditionally & embrace all my weaknesses and strengths. Seek out the worthwhile beautiful friends who appreciates me. Regardless of the outcome of the biopsy, I will be strong and unwavering (although I'm kinda already quaking a little inside).

I CAN DO THIS!!!

Ostracised

The thing with dating someone with a posse.. once you cease to have the relationship, you get the cold shoulder from everybody else.

No matter. I do not need their endorsement to lead my life. I will do what's best and not be treated like a piece of meat.

Let go. Do not comment. Stay silent. Cold shoulder treatment will probably be permanent.

Oh well...

Cold Hard Truth

Mr Ex: he had stopped loving me (he may have loved me a little previously) & had found someone new whom he loved completely.

N: he loves his first wife more than anything put together (nobody else will ever be loved the same way) & he is always open to marrying more people.

S: he's looking for someone gorgeous (who doesn't look anything like me) & doesn't love me enough to give up his bachelor status.

That's my love life in 3 complex sentences.. haha..

Ouch.

Let go.

Move on.

No more sadness.

Live this life & be happy.

You are worthy & beautiful & smart & complex.

Now I just have to find a person who feels the same.. or rather, I will let him find me.

Love you lots.

Probability Tree

So far, my decisions were reliant on gut instinct and a simple probability tree.. best case & worst case scenario:

1- Mr Ex:

Best Case: I allow him to marry & I play second fiddle to Aishah
Worst Case: Go for divorce, suck it up & be on my own

2- N:

Best Case: Marriage as the 3rd wife + fully embrace the package that he comes with
Worst Case: Break up, suck it up & be on my own

3- S:

Best Case: Marriage to a single person who prioritises his friends above all else
Worst Case: Break up, suck it up & be on my own

4- DBA:

Best Case: Finish DBA with flying colours
Worst Case: I get nothing to show for my efforts

5- Changing Jobs:

Best Case: Work in the best company ever
Worst Case: Starting from scratch

All is good though. These go thru my mind in split seconds as I make my decisions. Unfortunately I can't afford the luxury of time to do a proper probability tree.

In the end I take complete responsibility for these decisions. Looks like you'll be on your own for a little while more, my dearest!

Trial & Error

To illustrate the right attitude towards failure, the example of Edison getting the lightbulb to work on the 1000th try is often used.

So far I have dated 2 men. Both did not work out due to different reasons.. but simply put, we were not able to agree on mutual terms. I do admire Edison for his stamina and perseverance.. and hope that I don't have to date 999 men to find "the one".

Frankly I'm already quite tired of dating. Would rather not think about it for now.

Things work out when they want to work out. If things don't work out, we all should move along & find our happiness elsewhere.

Remember that you are complete and perfect as you are. Do not rely on a man or a relationship to complete you because it ain't never gonna happen girl!

Lessons in Life

You can't make a person love you in the way that you want.

When this happens, move on. Both you & the person deserves another chance in loving another. The story is concluded & both of you were never meant to be together.

No matter what happens, decide to be happy.

The universe wants us to be happy. Look up. Always. Life is too short for sadness or worry or spite. Make yourself happy & make others happy. *Shine*.

Place importance on what's important.

Family. Children. Their love for you & your love for them is unconditional, in the truest and purest form. They will love you in your good and bad days & will not replace you for a better version.

Love yourself & put yourself first.

You are the only you around. You were made perfect. Be yourself & do the things that you have always wanted to do. Never apologise for doing your best or wanting to achieve things. The person who wants to be my life partner should revel & be comfortable in my light & not feel insecure because of it.

Trust in the Creator.

He wants the best for you. Trust in His Love and His Abundance. Even if things seem bleak right now, many great things are waiting just around the corner.

Reminiscence

So many things remind me of you.. the sea.. the ships.. sailboats.. pickup trucks.. certain number combinations.. certain songs.. moments forever frozen in time.

Certain things and people are best to be left alone.. as the risk is too high..

Missing someone.. doesn't mean that you're in love with him..
Loving someone.. doesn't necessarily mean that you should be together..
Marrying someone you love.. may not guarantee happiness..

How does one measure and/ or survive these odds? By sheer luck/ bravado/ determination.. and coincidences probably..

As for me, my investment will be on furthering my doctorate studies. The outcome is more certain despite the lack of romantic love. The odds are more in my favour & there is a "Dr" title in the end. Why not right? It's not like I've got 20 better things to do.

Love is Many Splendoured Things

Currently I am considered as seriously and deeply in love with someone..

What a unique feeling, there is NOTHING like it..

Everything seemed more bearable.. you grin thinking of silly moments.. you yearn for the next moment you may meet.

Trying to just hover slightly above the surface and not rise too high..

Self preservation- because I don't want to crash into two million tiny shards.

Leaving the Past Behind Me

We have cleared out literally a truckload of stuff.. stuff that the children had outgrown.. stuff that we had consciously or subconsciously collected & set aside.. some stuff we had forgotten all about, where it came from or whose.. stuff that I had been holding on to.. stuff that carried certain memories of the marriage.. the marriage that never was.

Next month will be the second year of divorce.. but who's counting right?

Tomorrow we will clear the final room and on Wednesday we will be off on a family holiday. Life is good at this point. We have our worries but most things are quite under control. We can do this. We will thrive. We will get through our issues or challenges.

With the children I have decided to take things easy. To not be a control freak. They have to explore their life and make their own choices. One thing for sure though, my nagging will not cease because enough repetition will make them remember the important things. That's how I see it.

Am I doing the right thing? I really don't know, but I will go by my gut instinct & hopefully divine help will come at the right time. Do what feels right. Feel. Love. Live.

Redemption

Yesterday I cooked chicken curry and the children absolutely loved it. Mr Ex would have found at least 3 mistakes with the dish despite all my efforts.. but what he thinks doesn't matter anymore. Isn't that nice?

To be free from mental abuse is completely liberating.. those who are currently living under domestic tyranny should totally try it..

At work I met a young girl.. early 30s.. raising a child on her own because her husband left home. He abused her physically and mentally.. and when her parents found out they intervened to stop further abuse.. and he retaliated by leaving home after saying 200
nasty things about her. However she suffers (I suspect) from an emotional complex, because she loves her tormentor. One year on after he went AWOL, she is still hesitant to file for divorce.

It is not easy.. being divorced.. perhaps the stigma is too strong for certain women to make a choice.. to file for divorce.. to embrace the term "divorcee" and to be a single parent..

I have met at least one more person who decided to file for divorce very late, after nearly 20 years of abuse and neglect. By neglect I mean emotional & financial neglect, and in my book no man deserves to live after doing that to his wife and children.

To these women, I do hope that they will find the strength to break the ties that are destructive.. to move forward.. and to dare be happy.

Redeeming my dignity and freedom was indescribable. This is my life and I want to live it with with someone (if ever) who truly deserves my love.

If it were up to me

• Tax money will be allocated for all mommies to stay home (or work from home) to take care of their children, and parental education will be made compulsory so we can create a better Malaysia
• School and work time would start at the same time, so that parents can drop off and pick up their children according to work hours & reduce our dependency on daycare centres and foreign maids
• All candidates for the election must undergo an IQ test or must fulfil a minimum academic requirement before they are allowed to run the country
• Sex education should be delivered as early as primary school (for children to understand basic things like bad touch vs good touch.. and basic safety.. and how babies are made). In secondary school both boys and girls should learn about self-respect and confidence.. and that it is okay to remain celibate.. and to have control over your body. Heck, if sex education is too taboo.. we can rename it "Anatomy 101" or "Self-Empowerment for Teens" and no one will know any better
• Drivers who do not follow the road rules should not be allowed to drive. Period. Those who cannot read road signs (e.g. no U turns) or use the emergency lanes at their whims and fancy do not deserve to touch the steering wheel and should be sentenced to a lifetime on the public transport
• Minimum attendance for classes (in universities) should be removed. Students can learn in any particular way, especially in this day and age. Let them sit for the exams but give them just 2 chances, no more.. because some people do better outside academia.. and the sooner they realise it the better, because they may thrive in a different environment.

Shouting it from the Rooftops

Currently CRAZY about Secret Love Song by Little Mix & Jason Derulo *sigh*

Kinda knew the feeling.. haha..

Kinda like what it would be if you were someone's secret wife..

Well it is an interesting feeling.. LOVE.. and things/ actions associated with it. When I fall in love with someone I would like the world to know. Unless I'm afraid of jinxing it.. or if I'm not sure how he feels about me.. then I would keep absolutely silent.

On a high again. He loves me and I love him. I wish we could be together forever. Does he want the same thing? Well hopefully he does.. and when that happens I would tell everybody!

Till then, let's not get ahead of ourselves shall we...?

Reprieve

Taking a moment of silence. Stepping back. Enjoying my time with my children and our personal private space. We have always had helpers since 2003 or so.. and this time the absence of a helper is permanent.

We are a little more tired than usual. I seem to blow my top off more often I think. (Calm down!). Let it be. This life is fantastic & I love it.

Sorrow

As dusk sets there is a deepening sense of loss.. a void.. a longing.. which I know I should learn to get over. One day without help and everything is reasonably alright.. on my terms.. and things will get better once we all get used to this.

Given a choice what would I have liked to do? Probably I should have invested tons of money to mature when I reach 40 and never have to work ever again. Wishful thinking. Instead I did many stupid things and married the wrong guy. Tough, but life goes on.

The children will grow up. I am alright. Happy and free. Again, all these are relative. We define our own happiness and goals. My goalpost has changed now. The key now is survival. To be better than before. To raise proper children despite my numerous inadequacies. To move beyond petty insecurities. To leave certain people in the past. To sort out my life which seems to be perpetually in construction. I guess this is what everybody does. Nobody really has their lives figured out, right? We all bump into the wrong corners and hit some walls sometimes. Yet we keep moving forward because we must.

Please get over this my dear. Life is too beautiful. Keep on hoping. Trust in the divine powers to see you through. Love you lots!