Life's Little Mysteries

There are certain things that are better left alone.. because there is no rhyme or reason or explanation for them to happen.. but they needed to happen because we have to learn our lesson.. consider this as a pitstop in life.. recharge and add colour to our lives before we move along. I love me and I can do this.

Just One of Those Days

Will these feelings of deep seated sadness ever go away? Am trying to bury myself in work and focus on the present & the future.. but it doesn't seem to be working.. I feel somewhat useless sometimes..

Things get better. Holding on to that notion. Lots of things have gotten better actually.

Survive. Go on. The option of dying a pointless death is an unattractive alternative.

Good Days and Better Days

When divorce happens and custody is granted to the mother.. and the father lives elsewhere & has to pay for the children's upkeep.. I suppose there comes a time when the father feels that he actually didn't have to spend a single cent on the children. He doesn't go through the hardship of raising the children.. of having to wake up at night when they have a high fever.. or having to bring them to the clinic.. or having to handle tantrums (the best ones are the angry whiny types).

Thanks to the wonderful law I may not see the money ever again. However I will report this to the courts next week. How far they will go with this.. well let's just say that I won't hold my breath.

In honest truth, the syariah law in Malaysia needs a major improvement. Most men get away with affairs and neglecting the family post-divorce. What do we do with these people? Waiting for God to punish them may take an awful long time.

To say that I am saddened is an understatement. I am in grief I'm fact. Completely clueless as to what will happen next. From now on I have to use my own salary to support the children. Hadn't planned on being the sole breadwinner actually. This bloody sucks.

Mr Ex is not a man who will rise up and meet my (our) expectations. In that I take complete responsibility.. in being gullible.. for being a poor judge of character.. for being so easily persuaded to have a large family (my foot) by someone who turned out to be one whom I really didn't know at all.

What do I do? Go on. Consciously. With complete awareness of my situation.. and the unfortunate thing may be that I have to let go of all romantic attachments.. because I wouldn't want 'the romantic interest' to be saddled with my issues.

Oh well.. there are many different forms of happiness, yes? Let's look forward. Be strong and stand tall. Here's to flexible planning *sob*

More Western than the Western?

Last night was probably the second time I was reminded of my behaviour. My preference for English & not being well-versed in my own mother tongue. Oookayyy.. I do use English a lot for work, in fact we don't use the national language at all, so I am a little out of touch with the national language. Mea Culpa. I take responsibility and will use the national language wherever I can from now on.

The next matter to address is my daughter, number 4. She speaks Malay like a westerner. She is trying. We spoke English to her from the beginning, since she was born, after being appalled by the state of English of our elder kids. We want them to be bilingual at least and master English. However we didn't expect number 4 to completely sound foreign when she speaks Malay. Again, mea culpa.

What's next? Speak more Malay at home I suppose. And correct their English grammar at the same time. And read more Malay books. I can do it!

Live Your Life

Focus on the children. Be a good mother. The rest, if it happens, will happen. No need to be forlorn or desperate. Be beautiful. More work & less drama.

Room in Your (My) Heart

There'll be people who you will always hold dear and precious in your heart, despite the past (or the situation) that has separated the two of you.

A person to love he will never be, as he never was mine to begin with.

Let Go and Let God.

Close this door and seal it shut.

Pursue the open doors my love.

Thrive. Grab the opportunity.

MAY THE HAPPINESS BE YOURS (FOR) FOREVER AND A DAY.

Cleansing the Soul

Yesterday night we went for a singles' dinner (for want of a better word).. 4 single mommies got together to discuss various personal developments over fried rice and dimsum.. It was lovely to say the least..

It reminds me of the possibility of happiness.. by listening.. by sharing stories.. by learning.. by laughter and tears.. by reminding of the good women/ ideal we could be..

When I returned home I felt energized and reflective at the same time. I wrote in my diary and cried my heart out. Especially when I relate to my personal life. I want to be a good woman. If there is someone out there for me, please oh please let us be good to each other & seek forgiveness from our Maker in the relationship. Let's move forward with more certainty and achieve our dreams.

To be or not to be..

Waiting with bated breath. What's going to happen next? Will we stay together or will we part ways? Will I make the right choice or will I make the worst mistake of my life? Do I be patient or do I push forward? What will happen in the end?

No way to know for sure, until I do it. No way to tell if I'm going to be happy unless I take the plunge. I feel like running away again. Feeling apprehensive and uncertain.

Well it is ideal for him to remain single I suppose. On my part it probably is equally ideal for me to maintain status quo. Will the loneliness finally abate? Will I ever be completely happy? Will anyone?

What I can decide however is to be wholesome and accepting of my moment NOW. I am happy. Life is good compared to my moments with Mr Ex.

Sorrow

The following is an excerpt from Mika's Happy Ending:

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Feeling a tinge of sorrow, no rhyme or reason for it, but Mika's songs always make me feel a little better.

This particular song is so creatively written (in my view): the lyrics are sad to no end, yet it was sung in a hopeful way. How is that even possible? I suppose that is the genius of Mika. I hope he lives forever and makes many more wonderful happy songs. I love his soul. So vibrant and glorious!

Longing (All Things Considered)

Missing S. so very much. Long distance relationship sucks, but less when you have the type of (social media) connection you have now. Looking forward to being with him soon.

This time the love feels more mature. The longing more reasonable & less needy.. and the conversations more meaningful.

Experience & Expectation

What should marriage be like? What are his expectations? What are mine?

Still apprehensive yet hopeful. Other people get married & things work out yes?

Let's just take things one moment at a time. Love you my gal!!

The Next Step

Is this certain? Have I thought fully and deeply about it?

I do love him. Truly. Honestly. He is a calming presence who I do not mind having (and being) around for the rest of my life.

The signs are there. Positive.

What about the timing? Is it right? Do I wait for the stars to align or something?

Do the right thing my dearest.
Do the thing that feels right.
The thing that makes you happy.
The thing that calms your soul.
The thing that puts your heart at ease.

The Pink T-shirt Story

Many years from now we'll probably laugh this all off but right now we (I) am trying to understand why I get so sentimental about this worldly thing.

The back story is this: we do some volunteer work for our alumni society & for every event we kinda have a special shirt printed only for the volunteers.. kinda like a 'thank you' for the work done, because we don't get paid. It was agreed that these shirts remain as 'special edition' shirts & should not be reprinted.

Last week it was decided (to meet demands) to re-order a particular pink t-shirt.. which surprised the volunteers (me included) who were in possession of the (supposedly) limited edition shirts. When we asked who authorised the reprint, no one answered.

Whatever right? Like I said one day we'll probably laugh it all off. So what? It's another pink t-shirt and we should not be too attached to it. So what if a lot of people want it? So what if they don't reprint the other limited edition t-shirts? So we made the pink t-shirt look good right? Maybe I should just rest easy and take it as that. We made the pink t-shirt look so damn good that many people want to copy it. SO THERE.

How Should Being in Love Feel Like?

How does it feel like? Can't judge anymore  & I should probably throw away my playbook as is it unusable (obsolete).

It didn't feel like it used to feel. It shouldn't feel like it did (or should it?).

What is love? Caring for someone? Or feeling pity (that you can't leave the person)? Or feeling a sense of duty that you stay & suck it in? Or having the courage to be there for someone regardless of any temptation?

I don't have the answers.. and I don't know what I should feel. I know for now I should take it easy. Let it flow. Let it come to me. If it doesn't work out I pray for the courage and strength to let go.

Travel-Ready

Right now I'm getting used to travelling with the little ones. They're the easiest to bring around even without the elder ones. Things get easier in the long run I guess, with everything. This weekend we went on a retreat to Tanjung Karang with everybody on tow.. the younger ones, the elder ones.. and my mum.

My packing skills have improved a lot. Within a mere hour I was able to pack everything to go, and we used up every piece of clothing.. which means (I'd like to think) that I was efficient in managing the number of clothes vis a vis the number of days.

Now that we are back home safely, my next pet peeve is to unpack *gasp*

Suck it in my dear girl and get over it. Get it done.

What It Takes

Selena Gomez will be coming for a concert in Malaysia in July. She has made a name for herself ever since she was a young girl, and managed to manoeuvre/ traverse the PR intricacies.

What does it take for someone to be an achiever? LOTS of effort and heart and courage, I would think. There would have been a burning desire to begin with, fuelled by consistent faith.

For that you've gotta give that person some respect. That is why I no longer dabble in gossip, as I have no idea what the person's journey is about.

Currently trying to find funding for PhD overseas. I feel like going to New Zealand. In the circumstances however, this would seem somewhat an unreachable dream. Maybe I should just try and see how far I get, yes?

Zero Intervention

S is now on a holiday to London & later Barcelona. Have decided to take it easy and not miss him too much. Learning to be comfortable alone. He has planned for the trip a year ago & his mates going on the road with him seems like a lot of fun.

I will be happy for him and send a lot of prayers for their safety. There will be no mention of anything related to emotions or the "M" word or anything- I will be the secure confident independent woman I always was & be cool forever. How about that?

This is a rather good place to be in. I haven't quite figured my life out but we will be superbly and smashingly fine. No other choice but to push forward and be great, is there?

Measure of Success

Just now a senior requested the details of "Success Stories" of our alma mater. Our school started its operations in 1974 (incidentally the year students of my batch were born) and the guys from Batch 1 are at the age of 55, easily at the peak of their careers.

A whole lot of names were produced, all leaders in their respective fields: neurosurgeons, CEOs, Vice Chancellors, Professors, Directors and what have yous. Makes me look at my 'achievements' and be humbled in comparison.

How do I measure success? Right now I am far from it. Getting there (I guess). What defines success? How does a person know if he is successful? When he feels happy with what he has done and is at peace with himself. I would probably be looking for that equilibrium if ever I have to define success.

Deal breakers

Some couples break up and make up, while some part ways.

Here we examine some of the reasons for divorce which I have come across & observed:

1- "H" left after she found out that her husband was doing drugs & mismanaged her father's company (ran it to the ground, in fact).

2- "A" decided to leave after nearly 20 years of physical abuse. The decision was made when her eldest child was punched for defending her against his father's assault.

3- "D" had a husband who gambled his money away. He is a nice wonderful husband otherwise but not able to control the urge.

4- "M" reconciled twice with her womanising ex-husband before she decided to break the cycle. When he asked her to remarry for the 3rd time she said no thank you.

5- "F" asked her hubby to leave after fighting hard to stay in marriage. She realised that if he and his family didn't want her, she can walk away & nurse her wounds.

6- "Z" ended a loveless relationship because it wasn't worth it & they dont feel the fire anymore.

These are just stories to learn from. I'm going to keep moving.

Things happen for each of us to learn from. Be better. Be gorgeous. Be closer to Allah.

May each of us be blessed always.

Layers

This week was particularly interesting. S returned from Perth & we met up after being away from each other for 4 days, separated by the vast ocean (always the drama queen, ain't I?). At the same time Mr Ex has some financial issues (ongoing, as usual). I got in touch with N too, to get some input. A whole lot of things rolled up into one. What did I do? I embraced everything... and peeled off my layers... and cried my eyes out.

Getting into another relationship & having to deal with Mr Ex in the past tense, I realised that there were many accumulated emotions that I had suppressed for nearly 17 years (the length of our married life). This weekend I managed to release quite a significant amount of emotional baggage. How do I know? Because I felt light after that. As with the alimony & children's expenses that has not been paid, I don't want to be too bothered about it. Have decided to let it be for now. I believe in the afterlife and heaven & hell... so I hope Me Ex has a good reason to give when Our Big Boss asks him about the money that is due to the children. As for me I will try to pay off whatever I can from my own salary & pray for abundance. May my rizq be sufficient to raise my wonderful children.

Running Solo

Pretty soon (like, yesterday), I would have to figure out how to live and raise the children without any financial contribution from Mr Ex. Perhaps scale down our living area, move to a smaller place, sell the cars and buy a new one to avoid having to pay a lot in maintenance.. our expenses for food is manageable so that portion is fine. The next large expense is university costs for the older ones. The sad thing is probably they may have to delay their studies and work to pay their own way through university.

So it would seem that I would have to stay and teach at the same university while I finish my DBA. For convenience. My salary scale is reasonably good for my experience & qualifications. The uni is very close to home & I need not take too much time to commute to work. Once the DBA is done perhaps I will teach overseas.

How do I sell the house while staying in it? Once the deposit is paid I may have to find myself a rented unit, while I look for another house to purchase (perhaps never). The money will be used to put the 3 children through uni & after that the younger ones will travel to the ends of the world with me wherever I go.

Seems workable, yes? No point holding on to something that I can't afford paying. Selling is better, more dignified than losing the house to foreclosure.

As for romance and such, seriously it would have to be pushed to the back burner. One of the things that may not work out in my current state of mind & messy financials.

Mr Ex has by the end of this month to decide if he is able to pay us for maintenance. If he is unable to I would require him to surrender the Camry for sale. He can take a bicycle to work for all I care. Ruthless. This I have gotta be. He was merciless to me when dating the woman. What's with a few ultimatums from me right?

Marriage Expectations

When I do get married, what are my expectations?

I would like someone who can take care of my heart, someone whom I can trust.

I would like the union to be beneficial to both of us i.e. make us both better persons.

Number 3, my daughter, asked me to look for a good looking man to be her new father. Personally I don't go for looks but I would like someone who can make me laugh.

Of course the other stuff are a given: no criminal records, do not expect me to give him any money... and no physical abuse.. (among others).

Are my expectations too low?

Oh- I would also like someone who is single.. and one who is kind.. and responsible.. (hmmm.. the list probably could go on if I let it.. haha)..

That's about it really. The rest can be worked out as we go along.

Such as:
- his future plans & whether I fit into the picture
- his expectations of me as his wife e.g. cooking skills, dress code, involvement in external (non-family) activities, my future plans
- his financials
- his family approval of me
- whether he sees me as someone who can be his companion for the rest of his life (which is a bloody long time if he is not that into me)
- whether he is comfortable with my 'achievements' which is just related to work actually, but they can intimidate lesser souls

Purchasing Power

Number 4 got RM5 from her uncle this morning. My younger brother visited us and gave some pocket money for her school. This amount is way higher tham her usual RM2. She returned with an additional seaweed snack for Number 5. Bless her wonderful soul. Things are not perfect with me now but at least my daughter remembered her sister.

There is hope.

These days I have given up packing her snacks for school because I have no time to cook in the morning & the food may not last because she gets sent to daycare early in the morning. So my usual snack for her are biscuits or bananas or bread or crackers (this last one is not healthy, she says to me).. the food selection is not very exciting to say the least. Number 4 is also a fussy eater so we have narrowed down the selection to foods that she actually eats.

Now she receives pocket money which she is managing quite alright. She knows that she cannot spend any higher than RM2 so she learns about opportunity cost early in life. One day she will buy one item & the next day another item. Not everything at the same time.

I hope I will live long enough to teach my children sufficient values in life. I know my time on earth is not my choice. So I will do my best in this little time that I have. Love you lots.

I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry

Why do I feel enormous jealousy? Why do I feel like I should always be in control? Who will be my life partner? I really don't know.

Do I have to do this now?

My shortcut is to sell the house. Transfer to NZ to do my PhD and come back (if ever) with a scroll. Can we manage that? Let's just be dumb & pretend not to know any better & just do it. What's the worst that could happen? We'll probably walk the streets of Auckland as homeless persons? Maybe not, because the NZ government would have deported us by then.

I feel lost. This morning I was hauled up (an exaggeration, because I am a drama queen) to the Dean's room to answer the claim of delay in exam paper. My answer for delay was 'procrastination'. Well I know how to work the system because I had been an HOD once. I know how the window works.. from the time I submit my exam paper to the time when all assessments have been marked.

Truth be told I am completely de-motivated.. by work.. by the exam questions.. by the marking.. and so on.. But I don't have any other option for now, but to stay. So stay I will. At least until no. 3 goes to university.

Wish me Luck!!!

My True North

Things are never ideal. So I have decided to remain friends with N for as long as I am able. Somehow I derive energy from his strength and sensibility. Unshakeable.

No more ifs and buts. He is a dream that I cannot grasp with my bare hands. Transient. Impermanent. Not real. The "we" that will never happen.

Move along my dear. Life is unfolding as we speak. *Hugssssssss*

A Letter to my Younger Self

Dear Self,

I know it is difficult to be a strange, awkward 16 year old who kept moving from one school to another. I know you feel un-beautiful with pimples and tanned skin from your sports, and no boy gives you a second glance.

However do know that you will grow into a wonderfully gorgeous woman, who have many real friends on the road with her. Your skin will clear and you will learn to embrace your inner beauty which will shine through your eyes- your window to the world.

There will also be sad days before you can blossom into the woman, my dear, but you will be tough enough to handle them. Let these days mould you and learn from your mistakes. Know that you (we) are far from perfect but we can see the world in its perfection and positivity. Always look up and keep moving, even if at times your legs feels like lead.

Embrace all the essence that is you and keep treading. You may not know all the answers but let your instincts guide you. *Hugsssss*

Yours with tonnes of love,
Elya

Love, Love, Love!

Being a divorcee, I can't help but be a little skeptical about love and relationships (my own). There is interest & I have fallen in love with others, yet I remain a tad apprehensive about whether it will all work out.

Love is a gamble always, right? We could plan for every eventuality but when heartbreak is impending, there is no way to stop it. Maybe I should just leave everything to Allah. Be open and embrace all that comes my way. Good or bad depends on the way I look at it.

Please be strong my dearest. Happiness is within you. Remain gorgeous and unfaltering.

Penang

Note to all local travelers: REFRAIN FROM entering Penang Island during a long weekend and month end. It is havoc. There are just too many cars (it is probably better to cycle or ride a motorbike) & leaving the island to KL is a huge hassle as traffic is super-heavy at literally every other exit: Changkat Jering, Menora Tunnel, Tapah, Simpang Pulai and Rawang.

We safely reached home at 8.16 pm just now after nearly 8 hours of driving. My butt went to sleep on the seat & I don't feel any blood moving in the area.

My two girls were on their best behaviour (80% of the time) and I am super grateful for it.

Penang is super fantastic otherwise :)

I had gone with the intention to face my demons & face it I did. I had let go of the memories of Penang where Mr Ex used to haunt with his Ex-Fiancee. We had also gone to Penang to 'revive the romance' (so to speak) but it fizzled.

Penang turned out (this time) to be a wonderful beautiful place with many great people. I have embraced the island now & the best people I know stay there. Moral of the story: SEE THE POSITIVES.

S is now in Perth golfing. Incidentally he arrived in Perth before I arrived in KL- his was a 6-hour journey. It is sweet of him to be messaging his photos & asking me how I'm doing (I know it is completely outside his comfort zone to be doing that). We'll continue this for a little while longer I think. Kinda nice to be missed by someone :)