Homeless Bees

Yesterday night the Fire & Rescue team dropped by at the house to remove a small beehive that the little bees built on the pomegranate tree.

They brought the truck 😍
It parked in front of the house.
Since it was not an emergency the siren was not turned on.
However a behemoth of a vehicle parked up front drew out the neighbours.
And easily there were nearly 10 uniformed men on my yard #swoon

Incidentally I was also reminded of the rescue mission recently where 6 rescuers lost their lives (click the link here) and wondered when this group will have to partake in similar rescue missions.

Why did the firemen come at night?
Apparently extermination issues (bees, wasps & hornets' nests disposal) are done at night for reasons of safety.
I had thought that they'll be wearing the beekeeper suit and such, but they came in uniform.
They had lit up some newspapers and smoked out the bees, took the nest & off they went.

[Backstory: They had asked me to purchase a pesticide spray, but me being an environmentalist wannabe had bought a water-based repellent. This water-based repellent cannot do the work apparently, because it could not ignite any fire]

The whole extermination thing was done within minutes.
I had thanked them and off they went.
So ladies and gentlemen, our friendly fire department personnels are here to help.
As with the police, army, civil service teams.
Men and women in uniform who help selflessly.
And at times will put their lives on the line
To answer the call of duty.

This morning some homeless bees are seen to be buzzing near the area.
Hopefully they're not too upset with us.
All windows of the house are closed as precaution.
I hope they will find a better place soon.
Or would they build a new nest?

Being Proper

Growing up, I was educated in 2 all-girls' school: SIGS & TIGS both located in Johor.

Being in SIGS, especially during (the late) Ms Dawn Parry's stint as Headmistress, we were taught the essentials of being a lady. She will remind us in her speeches during assembly and all teachers somehow will guide us on rules of behaviour (how to sit, speak, carry yourself).

Incidentally, one tribute by a former student can be found here: http://ppunlimited.blogspot.com/2011/03/dawn-parry-remembered-as-woman-of.html

I had thought this was probably a small representation of how things are taught in a finishing school.
But I had never been in one, so this was a child's imagination (then).
Being young and not knowing any better.

Unfortunately these things are no longer taught as much as before.
My children most likely did not go through it.
So they had learnt from me.
The student of Ms Parry.
Who have learnt but a fraction of her decorum.

I am the least proper actually.
There are moments when I cringe for myself.
But I do try to correct myself somewhat.
Because etiquette is a rather beautiful thing.

In TIGS the process continued, but not as holistic.
We were reminded more on "filial piety", and being responsible.
As I was much older then.
We were taught what we need perhaps?

At home Mum has some strict rules.
Mainly focused on being polite and respectful.
As she had been raised by her grandmother.
Who ran the household in a matriarchal way.
So she had learnt the proper way of managing the household.
Mum (hands down) is likely the most efficient homemaker ever.
She had time for EVERYTHING
and do it properly she did
and raised us well.

Me, being the student of great teachers (in personal & professional life)
may not be the most proper but I do try.

Free Soul

When I was in Uni, one of my friends dated this guy who seemed nice. Good looking. Well-behaved. Quite polished/ Cultured. Someone you probably can bring home to mom.

They broke off eventually, before reaching their one-year anniversary.

Being the busy-body that I was then (still am now, but hopefully a tad more subtle), I had asked her: Why did you guys broke it off? Because they seemed to be matched. In looks/ height, in background, in intellect, in conversational skills. Outwardly there appear to be no reason for a breakup.

Her answer was diplomatic, and concise. She just said: You know, he's one of those guys whom you can call a 'free soul'. No elaboration. Just them words. I had wanted to ask her what is exactly a 'free soul' but didn't, seeing that she will not offer more than what she had just said.

Many years on (22 years to be exact), we stumbled across this guy again on Facebook. Works a nice job overseas with a cushy salary. Still quite dashing/ good-looking. Still the same guy more or less.

[Uh-oh, this entry seems to be headed towards the 'gossip column' category.
Apologies & stop reading NOW if you are gossip-averse].

Again, because I was a busybody, I looked at the status.
Followed by rudimentary PI work (of casually asking friends)
He is still single.
The remark came back.
Free Soul?
(With question mark)

This could or could not be the reason,
but I do not (and will not) do research to test that hypothesis 😅

Like my friend many years ago, I will just leave it at that.

Hello World

Soon this blog will be launched for the world to see.

When? I don't know.

Still skeptical & very much concerned on how I should handle the brickbats.

Of course I take the stand that this blog will be a huge success (but that's just me being over-confident & it likely won't be).

One day, but the day is not today.

🙈

Romance

This post is inspired by this poem by Atticus, which was shared via Whatsapp:

The person who posted it had asked: Why?

The answers which he got are as follows:

• I think "break your heart" here means "break into your heart", i.e. fall in love deeply.
• No comment
• I think the girl meant to say that "loving me won't be easy"
• 'jangae main2' (don't play with my heart)
• These kind of people would remain single for a very long time 

followed by 2 replies:

• or they may find someone just as complex
• perae sokmo laa (they'll fight to no end)

Since this is my blog & I get full creative license (insert evil laugh here), I will tell my story of living in that complex relationship.

I was melancholy-complex and Mr Ex was attention-seeker-complex.

Both had issues with love and acceptance. 

Me: I had always been the odd one out/ ugly duckling in the family. 

Him: That episode when his dad walked out on his mom.

So, our marriage was very battle-y, from get go.

There was a lot of love, at the same time there was also a lot of unreasonable suspicions, allegations & multiple accusatory, generalised, sweeping statements from both sides. I take full responsibility, as much as him, for immature behaviour. Despite being the parents of 5 children, we were totally child-like in our communication. We did not fight fair. This I am able to write and admit after 4 years and 7 months being divorced, and after the healing has taken place.

In the end, things happened the way it happened. It was too late to fix.

Long story short & In Summary, it is what it is.

We were not supposed to be together, but we got hitched.

There were so many alarm bells that went off before & during marriage, all of which were ignored, due to my stubbornness, and to some extent my determination to make things work. Because I don't normally fail at things. Silly Girl.

We still communicate now. Not as intense as before, because we are no longer married to each other & no longer have vested interest of any kind except our common bond to raise the children. I do respect him, as he has his talents and good points personally & professionally. Beyond that, we are literally strangers. Never again will we broach that "M" or "R" subject. The stars have spoken & ours are no longer aligned.

There were so many learning points for me, having been in this relationship.

I have learnt to accept who I am.
I have understood that I need not step into the shadows.
I should instead shine as bright as much as I like.
Those who cannot stand it can move out of the way.

I am still as mental, as unpredictable (and a bit hormonal) as before.
However I hope that I have learnt to listen a bit better now.
That I can see other people's perspectives and issues a bit more realistically,
and be a little bit more understanding and forgiving.

I know that I may not be as pretty as some people,
or as popular, or as socially adept, or as demure,
yet I am who I am,
and I am reasonably confident with my achievements,
as little as they may be.

I will raise my children the best as I can.
No matter what challenges they face,
I hope they will remember how much they are loved,
and how much God protects them,
to be able to make the right decisions.

I hope they will all be good persons,
Ones who would have made the world a little bit better,
than before their presence.

So when it comes to romance,
this time around I promise to love a bit better
to understand his side of the story
to take a moment to reflect
and not be too caught up in pettiness.

Big picture: please help me take care of his heart,
As much as he takes care of mine.

💕

Inspiration

Today I started working out again after months of hiatus.

The inspiration came from the most unlikely source: Super Junior.

For the record, I do not really follow K-Pop but this song came out on the radio recently & had asked my eldest daughter (the real K-Pop fan) to look for it.

Super Junior: they're not 'young' by K-Pop standards, most of them are already in their 30s (according to daughter). However seeing them in the video (and I am referring to their movements and agility, rather than their perfectly sculpted faces 😉😬); they probably still can give the younger kids in other boy bands a reasonable run for their money.

Their band make-up is also interesting- although most members are tall & lean, there is one plus-sized guy in there, representing the rest of us mere mortals. That he was not kicked out of the band, or pressured to be thinner and/or comply with market demands, is quite commendable.

So the exercise mat & dumbbells came out today. I worked up a sweat and felt great. (The burn may come later or perhaps tomorrow, but what the heck).

Thank you Super Junior 😎

Anything Can Happen

Once I had lain awake and wondered, will I continue to be in an unhappy marriage?
Will we continue to fight, accuse, sulk, make up... then fight again?

Not knowing that he was equally as (if not more) miserable as (than) I.


I had thought that the only way out is probably death (his or mine).
Not in the suicidal or maniacal way but eventually/ in time, or by natural causes/ illness.


And the way out had been presented in the way of a divorce.

The D-word. Something that was totally unexpected and got me completely blindsided then.
So unexpected that I had to seek medical help.


WHY?

Hadn't the marriage been unhappy?
Hadn't I suffered emotional abuse? (He equally so, perhaps)
Didn't the children go through some level of stress?
Hasn't there been episodes of him disrespecting my family? (Or me, his?)
Haven't he always had straying eyes? (Haven't I always turned a blind eye?)
Hadn't he always distrusted and controlled me? (And me, him, to an extent?)


YET, when I discovered the other woman and all the trash that came with it, I had had an emotional breakdown. Did I not see it coming? (Like, really?).

Last night I was talking to S about the past meds & counseling.
He had jokingly said "sometimes this happens again, yes?"
"No, none of the episodes ever recurred, thank you very much!" I also answered jokingly (I think).

Anyway, what got me thinking was this:
Why did I take the affair and eventual divorce badly?
Did I not see it coming?
Was the relationship not breaking apart to begin with?


Hence this was my epiphany this morning (thanks to S, as he is a source of a number of breakthroughs and I love him!):
- I had probably been living in denial
- Both of us probably had tried our damnedest to make the flailing marriage work
- It never occurred to me that he would cheat or find an outlet (in the form of another woman), because he had his paintball, cycling, work and what-have-yous.

SO- the moral of the story (for me at least) is: Shit Happens.
It could happen, It would happen if things simmer & never gets addressed, and in my case, It did.
Not for lack of trying, or lack of love, but because of apathy.


How will I do better in this next relationship?
Talk about it.
Address the unhappiness.
Understand the origin of the 'issue' (whether a flash-in-the-pan or something more deep-seated).
Fight fair, never hit below the belt.
Stay on topic and resolve it we shall.


That's how S have handled our issues with me (Bless his soul!).
A mature method that I do appreciate (now more than before)
And from his method I have learnt and grown to be a little bit more mature myself.


My takeaway points/ resolutions:
Please calm down and be mature.
Let's Talk about it, in a constructive mature way & understand the issue (or the aspects of the issue, if it is more complex).


Hence, in the hands of the right person anyone will flourish.
The person being a significant other, a parent, a manager, a leader, a teacher #thinkingpoint.

Write That Book!

In a get together yesterday I was reminded about a book I had wanted to write about my late dad.

Initially it was supposed to be my form of closure. Of saying goodbye to him. And somewhat reconnecting with my roots. Needless to say that has not happened yet. Why? I ask myself that question too.

In the meantime Sona has written a book and on her way towards her second one. How fantastic is that. Therein lies a challenge for me to get going!



ISBN: 9789830720883

It is available in bookstores, as well as in UM and UPM libraries & may one day be turned into a drama. Good for her.

So, I have signed up for NanoWriMo for the second time. No pomp and splendour like the last time too, but me the writer is more determined this time (I think). 

The stuff written in the welcome pack looks pretty encouraging and this time I am literally jumping into the unknown. Good luck & may the world see my novel very very soon!

The Strangest Thing

Woke up this morning not quite settled.

Thought I would be okay with all this, but apparently not.

My friend marrying a married man is not okay with me.

However, since she has made her choice, I will acknowledge and respect it.

How she will handle her children, her life, her social media channels, her/ his scheduling, her acceptance of the first wife (who doesn't know of her existence), her overall emotions- will be up to her. I will Let This One Go. Drop it. I shall not carry her (well I never have, but you know what I mean). No longer will I entertain her issues. Or grouses. Or anything, really. And no longer will I share my deepest thoughts or concerns with her. In a way this is me mentally saying goodbye to you my friend. I hope you find the happiness that you seek.

I'm sure once the honeymoon period is over she will have her own battles to fight, and I hope/pray that she will have the strength to move along. Because I will choose not to get involved. Even as she updates about her meeting his brothers and new MIL, I did not and cannot bring myself to comment. Hence stay away I shall.

I could of course harp to S and express how I feel to him, but it would be immaterial.

This is where I stand strong and move forward. Drop the unnecessaries & focus on my own life. My own children & sweethearts. My own direction, and to some extent my principles too.

With S he is quite clear on my stand & that need not be repeated ad nauseum.

Be loyal or be alone.

This is such a hard way to approach life, but when it comes to monogamy & husband-wife loyalty I am a huge advocate of it. Bar none.

One time when I dated N, we considered marriage & me sharing him with others but that was a terrible idea. If there is one formula to crash and burn, this was IT.

There was no way for me to escape unscathed, or to be happy/ settled for that matter.
That he loves and is in a relationship with other women, while in a loving relationship with me is too mind-blowing for my small mind to accept. Let me just handle 1 man and 5 children, and please do not throw in other women or children in the mix THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Unless some exceptions apply, some listed below & of course are not exhaustive, there is no actual reason for me to grab someone's husband:

1- when I have exhausted the list of single or divorced men, and they either are uninterested in marrying me no matter what I do, or are complete good-for-nothing bums of the earth, that the only available choice are married men; or

2- when the first wife consents and is aware and is okay with my existence and my marrying her husband & we can come to an acceptable arrangement (pre-nup & post-nup agreements come to mind); or

3- if the first wife is sick/ infirm and unable to cater to her husband's needs, and he doesn't want to abandon her, and I happen to be the only available person who will be able to cater for his needs in this whole entire planet (or the country lah, at least); or

4- he can justify to my mother, my children, my siblings, the society, his other families, his wife: that our marriage will be a good enough reason to bulldoze through everybody else's feelings; or

5- that I am satisfied that his love for me is based on pure heart/ caring+gentle nature/ genuine need to protect a woman and her children an d not purely for the physical aspects (should test this theory at 65, if I am still available); or

6- the only way to seek God's Mercy is marrying another woman's man & by no other way; or

7- someone can show me proper research with focus groups and interviews, that the other women and children are not affected by polygamy (or at least proving that they are able to rise above it and not let it get to them); or

8- if the man has done proper warning and mitigation before our marriage: I would suggest that the woman be pre-warned that there will be this probation period where he is thinking of marrying another & she has a chance to persuade him otherwise. And he has to reciprocate by treating her as if she is his new and true love. And after all that he/ she/ they STILL thinks that he should marry another; or

9- when I can honestly and truly convince myself and believe that this whole thing is alright and there is nothing else that I could do to better fill my time on earth; or

10- when my heart and emotion and gut feeling accepts this, sans (mental) kicking/ screaming in protest

Then & Only Then will I consider marrying someone's husband (if one or more of the above situations apply).

This is my mental state: To avoid trouble and focus on enriching myself.

Unless the person completely has no choice & the marriage is her way out of something worse.
Then go ahead. Do It. And accept/ embrace EVERYTHING that comes with the man she will.

Eyes Wide Open

Today is the reception for my friend who married someone's husband.

I attended the ceremony. As she happened to be one of my closer friends.

Yet I feel conflicted. Why?

In my heart, I do wish her happiness.
As she has been searching for many years with many men and through many tears.
I hope he's a good man. Based on his company, he probably is.

His best man gave a speech about the beauty of marrying your best friend.
I doubt that personally. How is she his best friend & he, hers?
He hasn't cropped up in the picture until very recently & all that stuff is shrouded in mystery.
She normally tells us about the men she dated but not this one.
Lo and behold, she drops a message that the marriage happened.

Even in his speech, he said they crossed path 2 years ago as they happen to be from the same hometown. They reconnected in Ramadan this year for breaking of fast & the rest, as they say, is history.

My overactive imagination + devil's advocate thinking suspects that this is a case of him throwing a line & she took the bait hook line and sinker. He has his good points I'm quite, sure so she wouldn't have had such a bad bargain.

Knowing what I know, based on the information volunteered to me, I do hope that he will be fair to both his wives and manage these marriages the best that he can.

Emotionally, I feel a void. A little drifting away from her too perhaps.
In my heart of hearts I do wish that the first wife will NEVER EVER find out.
Because finding out something like this is probably one of the worst feeling in the world.
Like being punched in the stomach.
Like hovering in between reality and fantasy, not knowing what to grasp.
Like a person who is so useless that you get tossed aside for someone new.
Well that's just my demons that needed slaying.
Looks like they're not completely dead & gone yet.

Who would be suitable in a polygamous marriage?
In my view a really strong-hearted and iron-will sort of man.
Meets a determined, devil-may-care woman with fantastic self confidence.
Good financial position of the groom may help, but not a pre-requisite.
The first wife is usually patient & has an immense capacity to forgive
(and in many cases, completely clueless of the whole shenanigan until one fine day)
This is again a very personal observation, based on what has happened around me.

Certain people also chose not to be in the photo.
Perhaps they had rather not be seen as 'getting involved' or in cahoots with the grand master plan.

Why be a moral police?
From the perspective of 'making a good woman out of her', they have sealed the deal in holy matrimony. He has good intentions.
My view is my own and every one is entitled to their own opinion.
That I had felt conflicted & not comfortable is immaterial.
Her life will be led by her and her man.
and they take responsibility on the decisions they have made.
Together.

Overthinking as usual, but you know me right?
Complex is my middle name.

Bobo di Mana

This is the official clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YsPkaO96KY

The song translated means "Bobo (Dear), Where are You?"
In this duet the woman questions: where have you been?
The man replies and tells her that he loves her & will not stray

[Where have I heard this conversation before? Haha]

It has created many spin-offs and covers such as this:

and this

This is the 'roast': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iA8_8PX-BI4 (one of many)

Makcik Roastmah did a roasting of this video over open fire.
Had a fantastic laugh watching her antics. On point.

Big Picture: Dato' Alif Syukri & also NurSajat probably had a good laugh themselves (all the way to the bank). Well done yet again.

Room for Doubt

As usual, the drama queen has an issue and everyone else is dragged along with her (Pity).

The other night me & the boys (friends of mine & S) casually talked about polygamy.
Theme: the naughty things that the men do to hide his 2nd/ 3rd/ 4th wife. Because one of my other female friends has an uncle with 4 wives. And she mentioned how he managed to keep everyone together (essentially it is a juggling act & sometimes a ball or two will fall to the ground).

The boys started telling stories about:
- one guy who married his girlfriend in the morning & mum's chosen candidate in the afternoon, so he has one unofficial wife (former gf) and one official wife (mum's choice);
- a politician who married 2 ladies in one night- he left after marriage solemnisation #1 to marry #2, citing "I have work to take care of" (they still do not know about the other & Mr Politician is now working on snagging number 3);
- a man who diligently, early every morning goes to the masjid in KL for prayers & after he died, the 2nd wife came to meet the 1st bringing 3 children; and
- a man with 4 wives at all time & if anyone seeks divorce he will let go and 'replace' her so that
 he will always have 4.

[in my mind I went "SHRIEK" "OH MY GOSHHHH" "NOOOO" "WTF" but I suppose my face didn't show it, because they had kept on sharing the anecdotes]

On the way back, me being me, I had asked S: does he have anyone else? or intend to have another one on the side? I know men do have such inclinations (because they can) yet S the sweetheart gave a rational answer. He said "Just Trust. Each person is innocent until proven guilty." Fair.

YET me the combatant & self-proclaimed lawyer-feminist still argued that I still need to have that small inkling of doubt to cushion myself against heartache. With Mr Ex I never had that cushion & the whole experience was a disaster to say the least. [I think this statement: about choosing to have doubt, hurt S immensely].

It is always a head thing with me: this polygamy thing.
Some questions and answers (and more questions):

Infidelity vs Polygamy: What's the difference? 
With polygamy the man makes the lady a good woman by marrying her.
[Did it start with infidelity?]

What is the price of Loyalty/ Trust?
Lifelong love? Or at least we can aim for it.
AND a happy heart, because doubt & suspicion kills the soul and drains the energy.
How do I let go of distrust? Therapy?
Or will the relationship (or the person I am in a relationship with) reassure me about this?
Most likely I have to reassure myself.

Are the parties truly happy knowing the situation they're in?
The men are usually reasonably happy & most times proud.
The women, I have not met many but the ones whom I have met are not exactly blissfully happy with the arrangement. Some find a point where they decide: no more drama & sucked it in. So they become happy (I guess) in that choice that they have made. Or rather, they decide that they will no longer participate in drama/ negativity/ stress. There are worse problems in life.

Maybe I should just stay single for the rest of my life AND if I do live long enough in a healthy state, I should probably marry someone many years my senior with a few more years to live (based on the national mortality rate, the male I should be aiming for should be aged at least 70). [Holy Crap!!!]
Because maybe then I would be (re)asssured that he will not stray? If I wait till my children are grown (and the youngest reaches 18), that is another 10 years at least. Oh boy. Good Luck Madam!

So scary. Why did I even get married in the first place? Purely due to the folly of youth I suspect.

And because it was fated (see previous entry). Let's just leave it at & carry on.

Complexity | Depth | Stars Aligning | Fate

Can't decide on a specific title so there.

The theme today is on Serendipity: on how certain people meet; on how they connect (or in some cases fall in love- temporarily or permanently); on how something simple like sharing a life together (in matrimony or otherwise) can be as complex as hell.

Why? My take: because we are each a hot complicated confusing mess. We (I) can hardly figure out what we (I) want in life & we (I) are (am) far from settled YET we (I) want to settle down & want stability. Get that? How does (Will) that work?

So my other view is: there is OBVIOUSLY a greater force at work here. BIGGER than all of us combined. No coincidences. Nothing happens by chance except what has been fated.

This is one way to embrace it all.
Because I still do not know if I will be married to S and when.
But I have decided on a cut-off date. By Myself.
Because I do not like uncertainty.
But at least now (with the understanding & acceptance that all these happen for a reason, for me to learn from/ experience with a completely open heart), I am a calm soul.