Writing Attempt

Early in April 2024, I signed up for a writing course. We are the tail-end of it, and to close it off we are to submit a 5000-word short story. I'm doing mine now & honestly I have SO MANY STORIES to tell. [Choose ONE, the course facilitator had said].

The real challenge is always the actual writing. If I feel like I was running on empty, or the fingers are ready to type but the brain is slowing down, or I spend minutes or hours not sure of what to write, that's it really- writing has its blockages sometimes, and when it's good it's really swell. When it is good the ideas flow, I write very smoothly with fluent vocabulary, and the connections are made effortlessly. [This is normal, many people say]

I have good days, I also have not-so-great days. Same with the PhD writing, WHICH I MUST FINISH!

Hence my dear, all the best and keep going. The book short story is waiting to be written 😘

Sometimes Smart People do Stupid Things

There are certain things that I have done in life that I wasn't proud of.

No rhyme or reason behind the action, just mere foolishness, or rebound, or mob mentality, or bravado, or brain-body disconnect, without regard to the consequences.

My point is: if adults are that foolish, why do we impose exacting high standards on our children and teens? It is a very tough time to grow up, trying to handle the volume of information available, and with the world's eyes all on you/ them, all judgemental-ly on you.

I found out that a person I dated post-first-divorce has been circulating our video call to others. Like I was a mere conquest. That, I probably was. I'm presuming that this was shared to male friends as bragging rights. At this age. Well, men will be men I guess. Have all the fame that you want. Snicker about me all you want. Circulate all the videos or screenshots that you want. I cannot stop all those things. The internet had enabled super fast communication and forwarding, I really cannot do anything about it. I resign myself to the fact that I have done something completely stupid to even contact this despicable person. Just one warning to you my friend. You have 6 daughters to take care of. Good luck.

What I wanted, he wasn't able to give

My expectation of this marriage was the barest of minimum. He understood that I have children, and a career, and aspirations. I understood that he had spent his whole life as a bachelor. HENCE, we agreed to give each other space to pursue, and do our own things. To me that must exclude other women or girls on the side. To him, it meant that (well), I could take care of my children, and purse my career and dreams. 

Everything worked out pretty well because we decided to trust each other completely. He had said that he is friends with all his exes. I did not like that very much, but decided to be an adult in this relationship and agreed (that these 'friendships' could continue) ON THE UNDERSTANDING that they were friends, nothing more. Lo and behold some of his exes are still his emotional support systems AND they are all still very much lovey dovey. That is a crock of bullshit. I found out the worst way when I happened to crack his phone, and the picture is not very nice. One of them is still very single -- his best friend, he had said -- and may come waltzing in without any notice for all I know. One might be divorced some time soon, and that is another train wreck waiting to happen.

So I am just waiting for 5 August to have the divorce finalised. It might be hard for him (he had said), however I wholeheartedly believe that someone sweet will come to his rescue at some point. 

I will live my own life, and he can live his, pursuing whatever interests he wishes. No longer will I care about him or his quests. I am so out of the picture already! It is really not worthwhile playing this endless, fruitless (?) game.

Moral of the story/ Note to self: Always ask for the best for yourself. Never settle for any halfway arrangements or agree to any conditions, especially not from a man who sweet talks. There is a saying that "if you just want a sausage, you need not buy the whole cow". Crude, but the meaning is crystal clear. Heck, I do not even eat sausages. So what the hell am I doing here? It is thus best for me to walk away and reflect on this whole shenanigan with a clear mind (or NOT, as it might be even better to reflect on MY OWN plans), perhaps somewhere in Acheh or Maluku or Maldives?

Writing

PhD is a huge badass piece of work. It makes sense how the whole process could take 3 years. Full time, a person could probably finish it all in about 2 years. Part-time, frankly I am barely surviving and have passed the 3 year mark by 3 months.

No matter, this is not a race. It is more of a personal achievement, and unlocking new skills. 'Research' finally is no longer a mystery which it once was. I still struggle with 'academic rigour' and criticality, and question myself to no end. However my overall grasp of research has grown from 'elementary' to 'intermediate'. I wouldn't label myself 'advanced' by any stretch of the imagination, but maybe a postdoc in future may give me that chance, if ever I want to pursue it at this late age.

I would love/ aspire to be a good writer like my supervisor, and I am very glad to have learnt from him.

Maybe I had loved him more?

Maybe I had loved him more than I had loved myself.

Maybe my understanding of love and companionship was different from his.

Maybe I had expected too much.

Maybe he had too much, or too little love to give.

Maybe he had thought I would be okay with all those girls running wild in the background.

Here's the thing: Him & His Nonsense were not okay, no matter which perspective it is seen from.

He may have tried to redeem himself during the counseling session, but the counselor reiterated the inappropriateness of his actions. Why did he think that what he did was harmless?

Maybe I am just a different breed of woman who does not embrace stupidity.

He had said that these are the things men do. It's very common and natural to have men gallivanting with other women and returning home to their wives. Well sir, a newsflash: this is how wives get STDs from their husbands: idiots who felt that they had the 'right', or thought that they had clearly differentiated the boundaries between 'paid worker', 'girlfriends', and 'wife'. Go ahead then, give yourself a pat on the back!

'Normal' would not even begin to define what he did. My father didn't do it, and I sure hope not my brothers too! There is a premium on loyalty where I come from, and coming from that premise, I hope that we would have made better choices.

Let me be the poster child of monogamy, and loyalty, from today onwards. 

Proviso: I am not a saint, there were those historical incidents when I had dated married men. I cannot give any excuse or justification for what I had done, except to say that those actions were abhorrent, deplorable and unjustified. If I could meet their wives I probably would: to apologise, and to let them slap or kick me around. However, meeting them could be worse. They may be better off emotionally in ignorance. I will keep in my heart forever who those men were, and their stories will only dance amongst the pages of my upcoming novels. At this juncture, who they were, is immaterial.

The Depths of Sorrow

Other than inventing a time machine to return and fix the wrongs, I am fresh out of ideas. He cannot ask me to 'get over it' or 'forget all about it', because it is simply not possible. My next step is therapy, to accept what has happened, to see things as they are, to release the burden of personal guilt or remorse, and move on. There was really nothing that I could have done to change anything. He made some bad choices and they affected me. It is what it is.

I really have no clue how long all this would take. Healing cannot be rushed, that I know. Some days I feel sad and a blackness starts to envelop. With that I realised that I was probably at the early stages of depression. Realisation is good, because then I know I need to do something about it. I must get through it, I have to seek a higher purpose, a higher power, a higher everything, not to sink any more. Now I have to stand on firmer ground, build my inner strength, and push myself up. As I am writing all these, I know how hard all this is, how hard it can be.

I had thought I had given less in this relationship (compared to the one before), but I could not be more wrong. We had connected at a deeper level (or at least I misguidedly thought), and we somehow needed each other (maybe he needed me more than I needed him?). I have cut off my ties & I am good for now, that is for starters. As sad as I am, there are no regrets, because I had been as honest as I could be in this relationship, in loving him, in being his wife and companion. He had taken my love and thrown everything in the dump. No matter, I am me. I realised that I could have been better in may different ways, but given the circumstances, and the time, and everything else I have had to handle, I have done what I could. I might cry a bit more as the days pass, but I understand that the pain will eventually disappear, and we will all be okay. Life is too short for regrets, or do overs. I have no energy to right all his wrongs that he should have handled in the first place. No matter. In the middle of chaos is the very beginning of greatness and multiple possibilities.

Being an 'Achiever'?

My late father was a great person. He was friends with the late Hamka, Ibu Zain, and many other luminaries. Legends in their own right. I'm really just me, trying to survive this life. I hope God is happy with me, and that my late father would be reasonably proud of me.

How I wished I could talk to him. I would ask: How did he plan his life? Did he always know that he wanted to work for the government? How is his stance on current policies? How did he and Umi meet? How had he felt when we were born? [Elated, I believe, based on what Umi told me]. What were his experiences taking care of all of us? What was his childhood like- who was his best friend, and what games do they play? What's the next thing? May I pick your brain- what are you thinking about?

Actually there are a lot of things I wanted to ask him. He left us too soon. Maybe one day in heaven we will have those conversations. I will show him his 5 grandchildren, and we will all have a happy time together travelling the world. [Well I don't know what heaven will be like, but I totally believe that it would have many3 more awesome places to visit].

It's probably just the world, which currently has too may people in it, or too many great achievements in one lifetime, OR it could just be that the media is better. We get to know about other people a lot easier, and they normally post their best lives, for obvious reasons, so that the rest of us feel like losers. WHEN IN ACTUAL FACT, our own lives are completely blessed in more ways than one.

So, what is my resolution: consume less (or no) news and social media. Let's see what happens in the next 3-6 months of blissful ignorance. "Do not envy people- you do not know of their journey", this was a quote I've seen before (I paraphrase). Let's do that. Let's embrace life as it is, and flourish.

Minimalist

My next aim in life is to have as little possessions as possible. In the house, we have too many clothes, books and 'stuff' that we do not use/ wear that often. I honestly feel like giving them away. Or selling them. After the PhD, I should probably take a long break and sort out the cleaning. Starting from the front of the house, or upstairs. So much stuff has been accumulated over the years, I really don't know how to manage them all. Is there any business that buys and sorts things from people's houses?

I have seen cleaning services that clean people's houses after death. Do they do it when someone is still alive? They probably can. 

Some of the stuff I want to keep for the memories, but other than that we actually do not need so much. 

These were my resources/ references which inspired this post:

Swedish death cleaning

Happy Old Year (2019 movie)

Inside Japan's most extreme minimalist apartment

I thought I was happy

Turns out delusional happy is also happy. Being under a false impression of being loved, had felt like love. My tears will keep falling for a couple more days, or weeks, and eventually I will be okay.

Once the goodbye is final, we can finally go our separate ways. I wish him happiness. The best match in my view would have been his best friend from Terengganu, who all these while have been working in KL. She is beautiful, independent, and most importantly, single. The plans he made with me could very easily be transferred to her.. and they're both from the East Coast, so she is not really uprooting herself. She will just be coming back home. My confident bravado that I have tamed a perpetual bachelor has led to my ruin. Who did I think I was? No matter how I spin this, I could not be her or Aiza or Che Na or Azhani or his type. The fact is: he has always had MANY choices. Even throughout the marriage. I was a prop in his drama set, constantly in the background, but not quite the main actress, or the soloist. He was.

Moral of the story: I must love myself double than now. Maybe triple. Nobody loves me like I do.

Was I Instrumental?

We are spending our last days together. Make of it anything that you like.

On the 5th of August, we say goodbye. Maybe forever.

He is best as a friend, anything more is too painful.

I cannot take/ fathom all the girls he has had throughout his life.

He and them are as intertwined as hell.

Best to let it be and be a fly on the wall, rather than in the fray.

Was I instrumental in his life? Was I significant? Maybe, maybe not.

I really do not know (Do I want to be? Well I want to, I am the wife after all!!!!)

Was I chosen, or was I merely a glitch within the larger scheme of things?

I have so many questions, the answers to which I no longer believe.

My deduction is this: marriage is not easy. 

It has 200 or more permutations and possibilities.

I wish I have this wisdom now, then.

I would have happily chosen to remain single, and not know any better.

Or maybe I would, because I get to do this life over.

For this I need therapy, because I am slipping down the slope of anxiety|depression|insanity.

Someone help me!

I have realised that the help/ boost that I needed must come from me.

Not from him, not from my friends, but me innately. Consciously. Deliberately.

I have to decide to acknowledge the experience|pain and be okay. My life is mine to steer.

Writing from a Place of Pain

Before the pain subsides, I want to harness it. To create something magnificent. My intention? To get this story out and for people to feel that they are not alone. Whatever it is that they have felt, all are true. We acknowledge the feelings, and the events, because they have happened. Sometimes we cannot explain all of them, but live through them we must. Embrace the pain/ grief, crash and burn, and be reborn like a phoenix rising from the ashes. That's not a bad analogy. no?

The author Ong Chin Huat was interviewed for his book Harmony Heights, and was asked: "Were the characters in the book based on someone you know?" He had responded that the characters were about "everybody and nobody at all!" 

That is my book exactly. He said it for me. As it is.

My book will be a mashup of all the people and characters whom I have met in my life. They have shaped who I am, and their stories will dance on the pages of my book. We shall not judge them (or their stories), although we feel that we should. The stories speak for itself and takes a life of its own. From the hot humid days in Malaysia, to the 'moderate' seasons of Midlands UK. Those are the 2 places I know and can write about accurately. The rest will be made up 😜

I am reminded of Eminem. His music in the early days were derived from misery (if I may use that word). He was up and coming as an artiste; he never belonged- a white guy in black music; he was trying to juggle his married/ family life; his daughter had just been born and he was a young father; there were endless financial issues,, drug issues, discipline issues, personal issues. From his songs then, I could almost feel him scream from the depths of his emotion. Similarly Linkin Park (Chester Bennington specifically) throughout their/ his career made music channelling raw, emotional pain. Screaming out from his very soul. His fans, friends and family had loved him but he felt completely alone and isolated. Many found their songs relatable, because they are true. Many would have felt similar feelings. Many I believe were rescued too. 

Eminem is now an award-winning artiste but his songs are not as raw as before, but it's okay. He cannot (or rather, will not) be in the same mental state ever again because his circumstances have changed. He has grown as a person. Linkin Park post Chester's passing have become more grunge and edgy (and less sad), and that is fine too. I am still waiting for Shinee to produce new songs after Jonghyun's departure -- not sure if that will happen -- but that's a story for another day 😭😔

This is my aspiration with my stories. To scream out loud (in polite Asian style), make myself heard and heal some souls out there. Life's challenges will keep coming at us, but it's okay. We will survive the onslaught and live another day!

Dating vs Marriage

SOURCE: https://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/business/money-report/93-of-singles-want-to-be-in-a-successful-relationship-but-say-dating-is-hard-recent-survey-shows-4-behaviors-that-raise-red-flags/5551617/

93% of singles want to be in a successful relationship but say dating is hard, recent survey shows: 4 behaviors that raise ‘red flags'

4 red flags identified in the survey:

1- Being drunk on the first date
2- Being too into Instagram/ Snapchat or too self-absorbed
3- Not knowing about politics or social issues
4- Dredging up trauma

My POV: 

Dating is hard, but marriage (or being in a long-term committed relationship) is double or 3 times harder! Especially in this day and age where the temptation walks into our lives through social media and whatsapp and telegram, and via 100 other ways. Some of us seek out trouble for the heck of it. Relationship values are becoming as loose as the sand; almost nobody cares anymore about 'loyalty': it has become a myth, as elusive as the unicorn. Maybe it's just me who have become a skeptic, but I know I do not want any relationship, open, committed, married or whatever with another man. For one simple reason: I don't know how to do it. From now on I will take care of myself and my children, until adulthood. After that, I will carry on life in my corner of the world, care-free.

Being Happy

I am happy because I choose to be happy.

There are certain circumstances in my life which are dramatic | disappointing | unexpected

Yet I made myself a promise to take everything in stride, regardless.

I am aware and conscious of my own strengths, and multiple shortcomings,

These are my battles to fight, and win.

Some parts of me can be improved, some I may just have to accept.

For example, I will never be a good musician- this I have accepted long ago.

It is a HUGE chore to memorise notes, and ensure the sound comes out right,

And I absolutely don't know what I am aiming for (same like cooking, in a way).

Doesn't matter, I can appreciate music and songs, and musicians, and singers.

I let them do all the 'fun' work of putting music/ songs/ entertainment together,

So I do not have to.

However, I can say that I am pretty good in teaching, and speaking/ speech.

I might be a good leader too, in my view.

I would say that I might be a good/ reasonable mother.

I can write well, but always need help with tenses and punctuations!

These are being improved on a daily basis.

DAY TO DAY TO DAY I AM GETTING BETTER 💖

I can plan things well, but need help in executing them.

My 'big picture' mind is quite advanced, and I am intuitive. 

This I am, intuition is probably my middle name, I kid you not.

No matter what comes my way, I will do good and be good.

People and circumstances may change, or the truth may eventually come out, 

but the point I want to make is: with a great attitude I can overcome "stuff".

No matter what, my life is beautiful and wholesome.

IN EVERY WAY!

Married to "Bad Boys"

There is some level of danger and romance when dating a 'bad boy'. He may be popular, or sought after by other girls, he may make others swoon, or he may just be a sweet talker. To me it's flattering when someone like that falls for a nobody like me, and for both marriages I appear to have sought out similar characters. I threw caution to the wind & reveled in the fact that he has dedicated his love, affection and attention to me when we got married.

FAR FROM THAT, they have always had other interests. Eventually it became really tiring for me to catch up. To be sexier, to be more mysterious, to love him more, to do everything for him, to sacrifice? Whatever things that I had done (for love?), they were never good enough. For the sole reason that there are better younger sexier fun engaging cute women out there. So many women, and yet so little time.

My game plan right now, is to love myself. I will no longer pursue further love interests. My life, attention, and my heart will be dedicated to me and my family. No more bad, or good boys. I have come to the point where men's loving words do not matter any more. I'm all good, thanks. Now please be on your way. Let's not ruin each others' lives, shall we?