The Economics of "Jodoh"

Finding a life partner has gotten harder (if not excruciatingly difficult already).

Being single is a confident life choice I believe. Being comfortable in your own skin, Having belief in the choices you make, Being WHOLE by yourself and not being identified by companionship, or marriage, or motherhood, or whatever.

Ladies in the 21st century have realised this, I think. In Malaysia, in Asia, views are changing with the rise of single parents, or Gen X and Gen Y parents who were brought up more independent and has more choices in life compared to their parents.

In my feed today I saw the terms "Leftover Women" and "Leftover Men", used in China derogatorily to describe unmarried women past their prime. A stigma for the women, not so much for the men who may still be deemed "eligible bachelors" even as they hit their 40s.

So what if you're unmarried. So what if you choose a single life.

This quote came from this feature article: The  famous Chinese writer Qian Zhongshu once compared marriage to a “besieged fortress, where those outside want to get in, and those inside want to get out”.

This 'singlehood' may be a trend now & into the future. The articles I have shared are unique to China due to their single child policy (in the past), but I generally foresee this 'trend' happening the world over. Singles do not want marriage, and married folks do not want children (due to the cost; the responsibility, the risk and the challenge of raising children the sustainable way).

Personally I do not mind my children not being married and me not having grandchildren. I will probably join a "Golden Age" home and pay for people to take care of me, or stay with one of my kids.. and my kids could probably take care of each other and the generation will end that way. Fullstop. 

If they do find someone to love, then by all means do marry and prosper. However it has to be for the right reasons, and for both to flourish in that relationship. May God Help Us All.

One Thing at a Time

Note to self: The next time our university has a Town Hall, I should just let the Live Event play and mute the speakers... and do my own thing. Read, or Write, or Fold Clothes.

I'm not sure what caused me stress: Is it because I have been here too long? There were a LOT of achievements and rightfully so, since we are a cohesive team lead by great people. Who gets thanked for the work? All or some of us? All were thanked in the end but why do I feel like this? Downtrodden.

After all that, nothing changes. We still have multiple intakes, more than we can handle. We still have to do everything: prepare for class, develop new modules, teach, mark, moderate results, approve papers, supervise projects and internships, be academic advisors, do research, do PhD, present papers, guide students for competitions, update ourselves with e-learning skills, learn ID and implement it, train/ mentor others, be a good corporate citizen, create impact for colleagues and public... and the list goes on. The harder you work, the more you get piled on you 😭

Maybe it is THIS that I am most bothered about. That some people give the impression that they are achievers and need no further recognition bla bla blaaaa YET they ask the rest to do 1001 things for them and take the credit that they have led the team towards excellence, riding on the back of others. 

Perhaps it's the (in)justice of it all? Perhaps it is just life? Perhaps it's just how organisations do things?

Did I do what I did because of recognition? No, not that I am aware of. I teach and learn about e-learning and whatever-it-is because I love doing them. I do not need titles or recognition (maybe, or do I?). How is all this anxiety-inducing? Perhaps in the sum of things this felt wrong. Can't put my finger on it though. For now I have to be happy minding my classes and students, marking my papers and finishing up the PhD. That's all that I need to do now. For myself. 

THE CHAPTER WAITING TO BE WRITTEN

Get up and go, and finish that CHAPTER 3, will you please!

The fireman, the nurse, the archer, the prisoner, a disabled man and the father of an official

What's common among the 5 entities above?

They have allegedly experienced side-effects post-vaccination, in some cases fatal.

Currently the government is investigating an **AEFI since a father of an official has suffered a stroke some days after his booster shot. 

**AEFI = Adverse Effect(s) Following Immunisation

In its earlier days of vaccination, and also prior to the official's father's incident, some unlikely coincidences were reported in the news. The commonality of it all: they had had vaccination shots prior and death was due to heart attacks/ clogged arteries

fireman

nurse

archer

prisoner

disabled man

There have been similar reported incidents of this elsewhere in the world:

CDC

BHF (British Heart Foundation)

Medical News Today

Australian Govt Health Dept

Jabagi (2021)

Caforio (2021)

My layman view (I am no doctor): there appear to be sufficient evidence to suggest the link.

I will let the facts speak for themselves in this one.

Falling in love with the person | Falling in love with the idea | What (more) do you want from me | Self-Prognosis

There you go! How NOT to do a title for a blog. TLDR on the get go, why not?

Currently I am guarding my heart. I don't believe in words about "someone borrowed my heart and never returned it"; or "returned it in pieces"; or "I gave my heart away and never got it back". To me that is a LOAD OF BULLSHIT. He had said this: whatever that is on my social media, is me goofing around. Those are not real. We are real. OK then, what about the entry that referred to our marriage date? Wasn't that one at least not a goof off? 

My view = my heart is my heart. It is my feelings that I felt for a person who I fell in live with once, or currently, or could have been. I can give my heart away & if it's not taken care of well, I can DARN WELL TAKE IT BACK, thank you very much!

There are all sorts of men in this world, and being in a relationship with one is complicated (but maybe not as complicated for a man to be in a relationship with a woman.. haha..). 

Status quo = I am here now & I am in a safe space. I do love him, in case anyone is curious/ wondering. I still do, foolishly so. I fell in love with him. No rhyme or reason. I followed my heart, again... and I take responsibility for it. No commiserations needed.

However the love he feels for me may not be the same. I am here filling a space he thought he needed. So in principle (even though it is me in this place currently), anyone could fill this place. That is the sad part, I think. I fill a space. Gee, thanks for that. 

He had probably fallen in love with the idea... and here I must say I speculate, because he doesn't want to talk about it. In the messages he would say "we'll discuss this" but never do. Maybe a taboo subject? Or it's just something that he prefers not to discuss. Telling me that this window of discussion appear to exist, is to make me feel better... and I will be okay in a few days, or will I? How long do I go along with this? Personally, one more year. Emotionally, will I be able to cope? Maybe I would. I could also get used to the 'idea'. He has a nice family. His close friends know about us. He is not embarrassed by me in smaller circles, more or less. So there is still that teeny weensy possibility that I am wanted, or rather I do not bother him too much.

How is Princess Charlene handling this? So impossible, yet I do not want to be the person to end it. in the small little corner of my heart, I love this person still. Despite my head working in the other direction. The narrative changes if I leave. He would say = YOU left, didn't you? I let you go because you wanted it. Because it made you happy. Again, words uttered so often, I eventually believe it. That it was ME, choosing the path that makes me happy???? I am the fickle one, the unreasonable one, the impatient one, the selfish one who always want MORE, the one who bulldozes his feelings and needs, the one who neglects, and not for his lack of commitment. 

Oh dear girl, how did you get yourself into this?

He will reply: well you're the one who wanted to get married. I accommodated you didn't I? I gave you what you wanted. What more do you want from me? I just wanted a companion in my old age. He had kept saying that. More than once. I had been too enamoured to know better, or to listen with criticality. I filled a space that could have been filled by any women (in marriage or not), a great friend, a cat, or a hobby. You see that, right? How I am special in his eyes?

Looking back, I was not special to my ex. I am not special to current hubby, or am I expecting too much? I should just take it as it is, whatever 'this' is and carry on. He is a good person, and most likely will ride along with me on this journey. What more do I want? I can literally script out this phrase in his reply > it is I that wanted this, he just went along to make me happy.

Psychoanalysis = this sucks. He's a better analyser and arguer that I am/ will ever be. For me, with loved ones there is no scheme or cunning. No shield put up. What they see is what they get. I am very straightforward that way. And I will bleed profusely.

At this moment, I will play along. It's not a bad situation; could be worse. I am already justifying. How I wished I can just take this lying down, without protest. And not question things. My INFJ personality and sense of justice is too strong. By extension my girls probably should not get married, or even bother with romantic relationships. Because this person who thinks you're special/ who needs you; is very hard to find. Well I think they can try finding that person, but perhaps staying single & being able to do your own thing is not too bad either. OR am I projecting too much/ expecting unnecessarily/ too much of a fairytale believer? My boys love like me, too much and too recklessly. I hope they'll be able to recover from heartbreak rationally, and find the reasonable one at some point in their life. 

In matters of the heart, there are no specific numbers or stats or probabilities. You make the jump with some basic calculations and pray | hustle for the rest to work out. Good Luck My Girl 💗

Clarity

Yes he had been kind and wonderful to me.

Yes we have made some airy-fairy pie-in-the-sky lofty plans which in hindsight looked like him trying to make me feel better. There is no cement to pour in the concrete. This house is not meant to stand long.

Will the children be protected from harm? Yes I would ensure this. My priority. My true pure loves.

He considers my wellbeing. Well he tries. For that I appreciate him.

He doesn't acknowledge me in public and recoils from my touch. Sadly today I saw a throwback photo with his scornful reaction that I was too blind to see in the past. No selfies in public either. He would just DIE from the thought, never mind the actual selfie. Poor girl, what have you gotten yourself into?

So many months I had spent wondering: Could I have done better? No my dear girl, no matter what you have done it would not have changed a thing. Life lesson 101. Nothing like it.

My personal deduction. I should stop this love search business. I suck at it. Please3 save me from myself.

What have you done, silly girl?

Some people have radars that repel trouble. I probably have my radar built in reverse. I attract men who are not good for me, and marry them. Mea Culpa. I take full respnsibilty. Arranged marriages are most likely for people like me. Who cannot decide. Rather unable to decide. Always reading the wrong signals. Always making the wrong decisions, never learning from mistakes.

Silly girl.

Were they good men? Yes I would say so, but bad matches unfortunately. With me in particular. Perhaps they would be a good match with someone else, but not with me.

Maybe I'm also not the marrying kind, who knows? I appreciate my men, but I don't think I had made a good wife to either of them. Bummer. Shit happens.

Whatever would I do now? Being the great proscrastinator that I am, I will finish my thesis first. Will give this marriage another year & we'll see what we can do next. Gloria Gaynor, I will need you again when this eventually happens.

Overcoming Insecurity

This is one thing that I do not know how to do. 

Big picture: I am an independent, educated woman who happen to be married. After a painful divorce in 2014, I remarried in 2019 to someone I love (well I loved the first guy too but it didn't quite work out). 

Hubby was single when he married me and had a lot of female friends. Not a problem, because I embraced all that he is/ was. He also has a lot of male friends; it is his personality- he makes friends easily [CHECK]. He has his own schedules [CHECK]. He has activities related to work that requires him to travel [CHECK]. He has many nieces and nephews who are really attached to him, and typically spent their holidays in his house to this day [CHECK]. I even slept at my own house those nights, to allow the space & not be the 'difficult aunt' [CHECK and CHECK].

Why do I have this niggling doubt, that something does not quite add up with this person from his past? Why can't I let this one go? This person "A" used to stay in this house when she was studying. He considered her as his own niece, because he knew her dad. When she left, there is a locked room full of her things untouched for years. We are coming into our third year of marriage and her things are still in the room. TAKING ADVANTAGE MUCH????

He allowed her to use his car to pick up her things last Saturday, and I thought she will take every damn thing. She took 4 boxes that could have fitted into a small boot. 95% of her stuff remained in the room, irritating me. I have half the mind to call a mover and send all of it to her preferred address, or I can just dump them off at a junkyard. These things have not been needed for THREE years minimum; what are the chances that they'll be relevant now? 😔🤔 

Another niggling question: who is that person she brought with her? She claimed that this person was  a friend during her masters study, or is she? One of them had said I looked thinner compared to the last time (he said) BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE MET, OR AM I MISSING SOMETHING??? Just Who The Hell Are These People!!!???

Unfortunately I am already in interrogation mode. I am praying that I survive the night. S.O.S.

The D word

Separating from a spouse is never easy, and personally it is extremely difficult to be 'classy' about it. There is a LOT of emotions to process and there are people around us who will have their own perception judgement of the whole thing. The parties concerned will be in their own heads, trying to manage; and the more of a public figure you are, the harder it becomes to have your moment of reflection/ silence. Whose divorce(s) am I referring to specifically at this moment? Wang Lee Hom's and Jason Momoa's.

My condolences to both, because they have built a family with their respective spouses, there are kids who will be affected by the split, and I pray to God that there is no "other woman" in the picture.. she may be dragged into the fray no matter how innocent she may be. Somehow I am reminded of Johnny Depp & Amber Heard's divorce and one of the Franco brothers may be called to court to testify... and also the matter of one unlikely-social-media-celebrity Dr Hanafi "belah tepi" who was confronted about an alleged affair (by his then wife) on video. 

My youngest brother is also going through divorce, or it may be more accurate to mention that he was blindsided into divorce. Wife had applied for a transfer on the pretext of taking care of her mom, and my brother received divorce papers a year later. Again, not a classy event. I will spare you the details and protect innocent souls.

Since it is super difficult to be classy/ to hold your head high in the private sphere, I would probably advice divorcees to avoid completely altercations on the social media. The internet, for one, does not forget; and secondly, please protect the children for goodness' sakes! Thirdly, maintain your class and the chances of maintaining your mental health (and long-term reputation) are probably greater. Seeing a shrink would be a good idea. There may be a lot of crying and reminiscence/ reflection and trigger episodes following a divorce (I fully subscribe to the six stages of grief). I pray that all our hearts are protected and strengthened despite this painful event.

How Things have Worked Out

Weekends are spent writing the PhD. Without fail. However what I found is this: as I write more for the PhD, I also write more in my blogs.

That is one skill (probably) that I take away from the PhD process. Writing.

Another skill is probably analytical thinking. I have always questioned many things; that can be probably be considered as analytical at some level, but with the academic writing I learnt to structure my thoughts and support whatever stuff I'm claiming with research... and the volume of research is humongous I kid you not! 

Blessed am I to have a wonderful supervisor who charts the path for me to follow. I just basically did what he asked me to do & hopefully in another 2 years I will have that certificate.

Why did I do it and why now? Because it is time, I think. I had to do it whether I like or not, academia requires it. Having a great supervisor and good support system (Graduate School) helps the journey immensely. Typical of me: I am already preparing my "acknowledgement" section, who to thank once I finish the thesis (haha). LET'S KEEP GOING 💟

Life is a Marathon, not a sprint

Got this phrase from one of the multi-level-marketing talks that I used to attend (a lot!) in the past.

From their context, the speakers were trying to encourage the distributors to keep at it until they succeed, because it may take a long time (I paraphrased).

This phrase reminded me that this journey called life is not straightforward. Definitely not immediate. It will take time to maneuver.  So many options are available, sometimes there are dead ends. There is a goal e.g. to be/ to remain a good person through it all, and there are many paths that we can choose to get there.

Perhaps calling life a marathon is not even correct. We have different 'routes', although many may have a common destination (called 'success' perhaps). This is me over-analysing.

Our wish (or rather, mine), is to have a good life. To be happy. To stay positive. 

To quote Mr Spock: May you live well and prosper 👽

Polyglot

This term refers to someone who can speak multiple languages well. 

Beyond hellos and thank yous and select curse words.

I have passed 150 days on duolingo, learning chinese. It's just 5 mins a day, so please don't get your hopes up too much. Lessons are getting harder, but I have some the most basic vocabulary for greetings and drinks/ food ordering. My limited food & drink options are: water (shuay); tea (cha); coffee (car-fey); rice (fan); fish (yueh); noodles (mian).

Now I'm learning about asking for locations e.g. (where is the) hospital (yi yuan), toilet (shi shou jian), restaurant (fan guan). 

My personal apologies to all chinese speaking individuals for my simplistic/ attempted phonetic translation. Duolingo does a much better/ fantastic job at this (obviously!).

Currently I speak english and malay well. By extension I can probably claim that I speak indonesian; or rather (on average) I can understand more than 50% of their speech content. Maybe in another year or 2, I could probably understand say 30% of the chinese language? If I watch a chinese movie now, I would understand less than 1% of the total conversation. Yet I remain hopeful.

I would say that the chinese language is pretty difficult to pick up, because one word (e.g. "re"; "fan"; "yue") need to be pronounced differently to carry a different meaning. Compared to spanish perhaps, or malay, that have more direct/ specific vocabulary (and pronunciations). 

My friends and I had travelled to Spain in the 90s and we learnt some basic spanish phrases from our traveling companion, a Malaysian who had interned in Madrid. When my children were growing up I had watched Dora the Explorer (does that count?). I have lost the language completely though (never had it in the first place) except the random ola, por favor, vamanos, manana. Maybe I can pick up spanish next? 

Actually these are more for sharpening my brain, to avoid Alzheimer's. Blogging is probably another useful activity. To remind me of memories I have lived through.   

When my past meets my present (A work of fiction)

Jean doesn't have to know everything. Well she suggested it. Not me.

There she sat. Sweet. Demure. Unassuming, like she had always been. This is a TERRIBLE idea.

Jean smiled and shook her hand. Jean had just finished her presentation, was glad that it was over, and was mentally running it over in her mind. Jean does that too much sometimes. That made her too engrossed in something else, instead of being in the moment. Irks me at times.

"Did it take you long to get here?" Jean's introduction. Jean is not typical that way.

She had answered no, traffic was kind. 

Between the two, Jean is the more talkative. 

She, on the other hand, was my quiet companion. The one I had fallen in love with and intended to wed years ago. We had our run and it did not work out. She eventually married, and we have always kept in touch. In fact, I know her husband.

"Let's order" I chirped in, before the silence became uncomfortable.

"I thought you're bringing Josh". 

"Oh, about that. It didn't work out. We divorced last year." She has always been direct. Kinda like Jean too... and me.

"Oooo.. kay, sorry to hear that. What'll you have Jean?" Josh didn't even tell me!

Jean was going through the menu. Either Jean did not notice our interaction, or did but masked it well... like Jean always does. 

Tea went o]n pretty well. She asked to be dropped off at the train station, that we did. 

The interrogation in the car on the way home was another story altogether. 

Jean works in HR, and I felt like I was an accused in a domestic inquiry.

She started with: "in your best interest, please tell the truth at all times."

I would rather drive home first and talk it out at home, but Jean will have none of it.

The first question was the figurative sock to the stomach: "Was that your ex-fiance?"

I have never lied to Jean, so... "Yes"

"Fuck". Jean never swears.

"Do you still have feelings for her?"

"No, you know it didn't work out between us"

"Now that she's divorced, are any feelings returning?"

"No, of course not. We're together now Jean. You're my world"

"Okay, I will take that statement as status quo. If ever you mess up, you.. will.. be.. toast" With index finger pointed to my face, While I'm driving. The absurdity of it all. I would give her eye contact but for the attention that I need to give to the road.

I love you Jean.

Unreasonable Jealousy

My cousins used to visit us during school holidays and their family used to stay for a weekend or two, for get togethers. My grandparents, uncles and aunts would bring many goodies & delicacies from the 'kampung'. They loved to cook. I would help locate things in the kitchen, chop, pound & clean; cooking has never been (and is not likely to be) my favourite thing to do. We would enjoy meals and long talks together; catch up on news, laugh and reminisce.

My late father loved children. For my cousins, he used to buy candies and little toys for them when he came home from work. I would get the same candies, he tends to buy a lot... but not the toys. These are the small little toys that will break after a few uses, you get what I mean. I used to get really jealous of his attention to them. Never mind that I get bought candy all the time, and I have lots of toys that are worth much3 more than the trinkets, and that he sends me & picks me up from school every day. That little teeny weeny attention irked me.

However, being the rational being that I am (and hopefully have always been, although hubby may not fully agree), I used to reason things out in my head. That they're only here for a couple of days. They come only once or twice a year. And candies & toys make kids happy. So I tried to be happy for them. One one occasion I voiced this out to my mum, as she said matter-of-fact-ly, that he's just trying to make them happy, and they come once a while only. No need to be jealous. 

Till today I feel jealousy strongly. Especially when hubby pays attention to other girls. Again, the rational mind kicks in (sometimes late) and I reason that these are his mates, like me with my guy friends, and he loves me. Perhaps I should get into a course on confidence building. I actually stand on my own successes and personality, so he's lucky to be with me. I have a lot to offer and he will be more than silly to chase girls around. Well he'd better not or he will see a different side of me that he wished he had never seen!!!!

So: the deduction? Stay cool, calm, collected & classy. Bring back the power to me. Be focused & be happy. It is common to be insecure (I think) however in the bigger scheme of things, I should place importance on important things 💖

postscript: this is a wonderful TED talk about "marrying yourself" 

[message/ note to self: LOVE YOURSELF]

About Polygamy (again!)

Polygamy to me is like eating cow's brain, or wasabi. I do not like them. At all.

One day I may eat my words, but so far I find myself gravitating away from polygamy situations. It is not something that I want to explore.

For hubby, if you decide to take on a new wife, so be it. As agreed (or rather as I had insisted), I will choose my own path when that happens. If it is fathomable or digestable or workable, I might stay. If I can't stand it, I will willingly walk away. No regrets. 

All the power to those who are in a polygamous relationship. I cannot imagine the strength, and probably the stress of being in that state of mind. Day in day out. You are probably the most resilient, and a confident lot, and in some cases given with no choice to be participants. 

I repeat for n-th time, it is not for everybody. And definitely not for me. [Again, I might change my mind later in life, or I may be embroiled in it at some point. In fact I even considered being someone's third wife at one point. However the conclusion was: It ain't for me!!!]

Preference

I have been married twice. In my second marriage now.

I have come to the conclusion that  (some) men would prefer not to proclaim that they're married.

They both probably loved/ loves me, but sadly enough in the completely public sphere they would rather not take a photo together, or stand together, or admit that they're married to me unless they really3 do not have a choice. 

'completely public sphere' = weddings or large events

'partially public sphere' = family events, or events involving really close friends

'private sphere' = me + him + direct bloodline family members

Maybe it is my fault. I am too 'private'. I do not insist on announcements or proclamations to establish the relationship. For both marriages the ceremonies were private affairs and we had small numbers of people at the event. They love my company in private, but shy away in public. So I am the wife but in the public sphere my function is unclear. Frankly I am confused. 

I know I should be more positive. I really should. I am a wonderful person and anyone would be proud to claim that I am his wife, right? I hope so. Maybe I think too negatively. He may have 101 reasons to stay away from me during public events, unlike men who hang around and keep their wives company?

Heck. If this one doesn't work out I will stay single all my life. Sorry to be feeling like this, like one foot in & one foot out. This is my self-preservation. I will walk away when this is no longer feasible. 

When I was your age

This post is based on this article: This could be the last generation capable of loving

Our parents went through hardship; their parents even more: my grandparents faced the World War, inflation, unemployment, uncertainty, fear and famine.

My mom had to plant the rice fields the manual way, under the hot sun, at a young age of 7-8 years old. That time there were no objections or legal claims of child labour. EVERY member of the family broke their back in the rice fields because they needed to produce to eat and survive.

What was I doing at 7-8? I had to take care of my younger siblings. Mom taught me basic cooking when I was about 9-10 and by 13 I was babysitting my brothers over the weekend whenever my parents 'balik kampung' with the babies. 

What were my children doing at 7-8? Basically they had an iPad and Playstation and PSP and iPad mini (well not at the SAME time), but you get what I mean. We used the reward system to allow them to use the devices for certain periods of the day. Apart from schoolwork and basic age-appropriate chores they do at home, they hardly suffer hardship/ had to do hard labour.

What will happen in the future?

My children may not want their own children, due to the high cost of living. They're still very young now, and might change their minds later on. My little daughters do not want children 'because they are annoying' and they are children themselves. Things may change.

I do not have a deduction for this post. Perhaps we should introduce more hardship to children? OR do they learn about hardship and heartache and disappointments from their games? Maybe they do. I surely cannot ask them to plant rice fields (I do not know HOW to do it myself!).

What's going to happen when the metaverse comes to fruition? I hate to think that this might just be a new drug that'll cause child neglect a-la trainspotting? I hope not. Let's hope humanity and common sense will prevail.

I play the game, I don't make the rules

This post relates to an FB post by Lim Hwah Beng that was shared in our whatsapp group. One person disagrees with him painting the picture of the "ease" of getting (or producing) PhDs; however another person who had interviewed PhD candidates for a job post agrees (that some PhD holders seemed incompetent). Who is right?

For me this issue relates to "academic/ education inflation". Sir Ken Robinson talked about this in his TEDTalk way back in 2006, and most of the content STILL rings true today.

Personally I think in Asian countries, this is even truer. Qualifications is everything. Only recently have we started to recognise informal learning, on-the-job learning, and the variety of TVET courses. Have we got a long way to go? YOU BET!

In relation to the FB post, I would probably say that this issue is prevalent because we put a premium on PhD: we need more and more and more PhD holders to increase our university ranking; to be a Head of School you must have a "Dr" in front of your name; to have promotions etc the PhD is key. Hence the scramble for PhDs.

However for me, it is more important to identify the CONTRIBUTION of a person. He/ She could have a PhD; or Masters; or a Degree; or a Diploma or High School certificate; or nothing at all however he/ she is a good parent. That counts for a LOT. We need more good parents to raise good, respectful children. There are also those individuals who have learning difficulties, because their brains are wired differently from us 'normal' people: what then? what is their hope for the future?

Education is never cut and dry. There are courses (in my view) that we should be allowed to choose. The cost of education is sky high and the investment + ROI has to be justified. The employment market is also not that great and many graduates have in fact hopped on to the gig economy.

What is the plan for the future? There are all kinds of people, there are all kinds of work, there are many ways to earn a decent income. Let's not discriminate on the basis of higher vs lower education, because every human has a right to make something of himself/ herself.

Yes the education quality needs to improve. Some PhD holders may be questionable, but then again, i believe in justice and karma and all that. Investigate if you're hiring. Drill them on concepts. Have a rigorous selection process, why don't you? Let them answer for it. 

The post is shared below, for those who do not have FB 

"Goodness" tracker

When my children were small I used to observe how they respond to our hired maids, or to adults in general. I think children, due to their purity, can sense /feel insincerity a mile away.

I used to welcome the maid at the door, children around me, and observe if the little ones gravitate towards or move away from the person. If they tend to come to me or walk away from the person, that person normally do not stay with us for long. There is always something or the other that is revealed eventually, and the person is not normally a good fit with the family.

I can't really put my finger on it, why it is that way, but I guess it is the children's built-in bullshit scanner that gives everything away. It always work. Except for once instance: I put it down to me being a poor judge of character. The person is essentially a good person, but when she left she promised to return to work for us, but never did. I was silly to trust her completely, and did not inform the agent, they were unable to trace her. When they did, she was already married and didn't want to work with us anymore.

CONTEXT: This story refers to my personal experience/ quest for a live-in nanny/ maid who will take care of my children when I went to work. We spent quite a fortune for agent's fees (because we are hiring foreign workers) and in some cases they leave/ run away before the contract ends.

Would I have done things differently? Maybe. maybe not. My circumstances were unique to me and I made the calls that I needed to make. I will accept responsibility and move on.

And children, always be pure and simple and goodhearted. I wish all children will grow into beautiful wonderful adults who will make this world a wondrous place full of goodness. That is my wish.

Self-Sabotage

As you know I am now doing my PhD. As of this moment I am supposed to type my Chapter 3, but got side-tracked with blogging. I have writing ideas but compared to blogging, PhD pace is something like a paragraph a day. Understandably and rightfully so, otherwise anyone and everyone could finish a PhD in a matter of weeks... and the discipline/ mastery takes time... and I must be patient!

It is an interesting journey (this PhD), and I find it wholesome, and I think my teaching + supervision have improved because of it... HOWEVER my procrastination skills have also moved up a level😕😫😵

I remembered reading some posts/ articles/ book chapter in the past about self-sabotage: why do people delay success, or feel they're unworthy of success/ of a good partner etc. Maybe that's me? [I hope not].

Hence I will stop blogging and continue my writing of the thesis. GO ON THEN 🙌

Being There

I remarried in 2019. 

He lives 6km away.

I have my own house with grown children.

Hubby and I have come to an agreement that I may spend some time in my home and some time in his home. He is respectful of the space I share with the children, and very mindful of the elder children's 'comfort' if he is around in my house. He visits once in a while, and occasionally joins us for meals, but do not normally stay for long. For now, we have "his house" and "her/ my house".

At night I will be at hubby's and in the daytime I will be with the children, when hubby is at the office.

Weekends will be fully at hubby's with my younger ones (they're not so little anymore at 14 and 12).

My older children helps to take care of their younger sisters when I am away (elder kids aged 22 and 23).

This arrangement is confusing to our friends, who asks: Why don't you two just stay together?

Mainly I think it's me who wants the children to be closer to their schools, and I want to maintain my own home to come back to. Please do not judge me. Probably some other time I will psycho-analyse myself 👻 but for now, let's leave it at that... because I haven't even gotten to the point (of this post) yet 🤣

My children are grown, yet being there is really useful and wholesome for me. There are moments when we share conversations; laughs; puns; news' updates; questions. I love that they still speak to me about their games (which I do not really understand, but try to), their funny moments at school, their friends and activities, their plans for animation (again, not something that I completely understood, but I try), and general things like "Do you hate Furbies (singular: Furby)?" [well I don't hate them but I find them strange: what are they supposed to be exactly? 🤔]

Grown kids don't speak to you as much, they're having their own lives and friends and things to do. 

So I appreciate these "growing years" conversations very much.

Occasionally the elder ones will open up and ask me adult questions, like: what do I check for in my employment contract? or how do I manage my credit card/ should I have one? or which cars are nice? or how do you decide when to buy property? and so on.. and we will talk.. 

My profession as a lecturer is probably the best (for me) because talking is something I love to do 💁

For now I am happy to be the person whom the children talk to, or refer to.. and I hope they come to me for anything anytime.. because I love them. And I love hubby MORE for being an understanding person to a selfish being like me 🙈

Are we losing our humanity for content?

This came on my newsfeed this morning Walmart is not ripping me off

A lot of people have done a lot of foolish things to get views, and views translate to money and fame I presume, because the content has gotten weirder and less sensible.

Death has also been the result of daredevil selfies, such as this. My condolences to the family of the departed, my heart goes out to them. I wish we could be more vigilant and take a more calculated risk for socmed-worthy photo ops.

Professionally, there are those who need to think twice or thrice before posting about his/ her wards. Children are to be protected and not shamed this way.

My message to my children: at your very core, please please please be a good person. 

Call me a 'makcik' all you want, but to me selling our soul or humanity or forgetting our civic-mindedness in pursuit of views is not cool.

Social media the the toilet of the internet, Lady Gaga said. I can see why she said that. Her context was well-presented and well-said, in very little number of words.

4D TV

This post is inspired by the Tasty TV. People tend to say "only in Japan" and the Japanese have created wonderful (and in some cases, weird) inventions as their gifts to the world.

This TV allows us to taste what we see on the screen by mixing the flavours. We can lick the TV surface and savour the food that is being cooked/ shown on TV. Basically I see 'promotional' type tastes e.g. chips or candy > sellers can probably set the "taste profile" for the programmer to set it on the TV?

Hygiene-wise, this is probably a personal TV/ device. Can't imagine sharing the TV with your housemates, or office mates, or a family of people licking the same TV 😱

If the TV is commercially available, will there be 'fake' versions.. or cheaper alternatives of taste spray/ flavours? What is the warranty like for these types of TV?

Let's see what happens next with this device. With anything from Japan, and more recently inventions from China (and upcoming India) too, I tend to watch with interest.

Booster shots

MySejahtera has scheduled a booster shot for me on 13 Jan 2022. I have accepted it.

Another friend was called for a shot on the same day but she has postponed it, because she's like to go for a wedding on the 14th. Judging from the bad side-effects during her first and second shots, she would rather not take chances with the booster (so that she can attend the wedding).

As for me, I am keeping positive and going ahead. With me, we never know. If I skip this one, I may have a full schedule after that and not be able to attend the rescheduled shot date. Had learnt this from experience. My schedule is sometimes nuts. Or maybe it's me who could do better with my time management [definitely the latter!].

Another friend is literally afraid of the shot. First, second, or booster. She gets fever from the thought of it, rather than the actual shot. No side effects afterwards; she is essentially fit hale and hearty, and gets through the 'effects' like a champion. Just put the needle away. If Theranos was not a fraud, we could probably do vaccinations with a patch and make billions of people happy.

Gaming | Schedule

Personally I should be managing my time better. I spend too much time sometimes on the Homescapes game, and maybe have spent a bit more than I should for the in-game purchases. It is perhaps modest $20 per month compared to this but still unnecessary. 

Right now I am trying this:

Mornings (6-9am): work on PhD > Weekends 9-12am

9am-5pm: work hours

12-2am: PhD again

The rest of the time will be filled in with cooking, cleaning, washing (etc). 

Once a month take one full day of 'nothing' and rest the mind.

I am learning Chinese on duolingo and that takes about 5 mins a day. Quite manageable.

The writing for PhD however, is major. A lot of reading. A lot of thinking. A lot of editing (my supervisor says I edit too much!). I will finish it on time and carry on with my life after that. I must!

In short the gaming time can be shortened. 5 mins per day like duolingo. Instead of a couple of hours, which is arguably better spent washing or cleaning or cooking or being with the children! [There probably should be another entry on how to be a good mother when you're career-focused or while doing your Phd, but I am not that mother]😭

Letting Go | Acceptance

Over the years she had accumulated sacks of tin cans, for recycling, she had said.

She's planning to sell these to the "suratkhabar lama" man at some point.

In the meantime the sacks and the space in between houses sniffy critters that sometimes venture into the house. Part of the hazard of being a hoarder.

He keeps t-shirts. In countless numbers. Some were gifts that were given to him by someone. They are in different sizes, for years that he slims down and years when he grows more prosperous around the belly. Some shirts have yellowed fringes, but they do not get donated, because they can be washed and worn again, he said. In the meantime these shirts take up space and age (not like wine).

Mum collects containers. We have been able to persuade her to throw away the plastic disposable containers (ones that the government decreed to replace styrofoam containers), but she keeps the semi-permanent containers. In case we want to reuse it, she says. Over time they accumulate in the kitchen. When I was at home for Xmas I had put them in bags, to be given away/ donated/ thrown away. Hope that they disappear the next time I return home for CNY.

I collect books. LOTS of them. I buy them almost every year at Big Bad Wolf book sales but haven't quite read all of them yet. I am in the process of sorting and selling or giving them away, eventually. This is probably the 5th or 6th year of "eventually".

Why do we find it so hard to let go? Personal reasons probably. For me it is the thought of not having read the book yet. For mum and hubby it is the probability of using them in future. For her it is probably the memory, or maybe she wants more to be gathered? 

I can probably find the psychological reasons behind hoarding, but would like to share this article about Swedish death cleaning. It's not a new notion, but something that recently turned up in my feed. Basically it is about cleaning your stuff (when you have entered older age), so that your kins do not have to sort through your stuff/ make the choice when you pass away. I like the idea. I do major spring cleanings every year but STILL lots of stuff accumulate. In fact I threw away a RORO-bin-worth of stuff in November 2021 & is likely to fill another one by February 2022.

The words 'death cleaning' may sound macabre, compared to Mary Kondo's system of decluttering. The latter may also be more 'digestible' by many compared to the former. Can't imagine telling my mum "Ma, you gotta clean your things because we don't want to do it when you die". Compared to "Wouldn't it be great if we could use this space taken up by all these containers". The second one translates better for our relationship 😀

When my late grandma passed on my youngest uncle (he also passed on a few years ago) literally threw out everything from her kitchen except the pyrex plates, and everything from her wardrobe except 2-3 pieces of her clothes and may pieces of new kain batiks. We were informed to take the kain batik as needed, or her clothes for memory (I took one each; not sure what has happened to her baju kedah, but the kain batik is still with me in fact it has become one of my favourite pieces). Mum was distraught when he did this, but he was insistent: these are just taking up unnecessary space, he had said. My uncle's house reflects this. Not much clutter. Everything in place; what's on display are decorative items & the non-decorative ones are stored well out of sight. I wish I have his resolve when it comes to cleaning & throwing things away. I am probably somewhere in between my mom's and my late uncle's attitude. I donate a lot of stuff. Spring cleaning is done every year, some items are harder to let go compared to others, but eventually I loosen my hold on them and say goodbye.

Let's Live in the Real World

The metaverse is poised to be the next big thing.

There's money to be made.

Cities to be built.

Experiences to be had.

Fun-filled, no less.

Why was it built?

In my view, because they can.

Or, some may answer: why not?

Should it be controlled?

Should it not?
Does the law apply there?

If it does, which one? Whose law?

Is it an imaginary world where anything is possible?

Or should it reflect the real world a little.. or a lot.. or not at all?

Who will be there?

Will they be your real friend?

It may even be possible to connect with otherworldly beings, I suspect

For example: if a bereaved son wishes to see mother departed, he probably could

Input the character, fashion the avatar, let the AI do the rest

Why not

Like any new invention, or worlds, I always see the education potential

A classroom in the metaverse would be interesting

My teaching assistant can be an AI 

Who answers based on pre-programmed responses, and then some

He/ She may even replace me one day

No law degree required [sound dubious!]

So will the certificates be recognised?

If an AI teaches it

What good that I potentially see

Is the fountain of youth

Our avatars will never grow old, or die

It lives in eternity, and becomes you long after you're gone

Now that's a thought

This post is my reflection of this article: https://www.thestar.com.my/tech/tech-news/2022/01/03/misinformation-has-already-made-its-way-to-the-metaverse

Sanctuary

Today's post is inspired by this entry: https://www.nst.com.my/news/nation/2022/01/759840/batu-pahats-intriguing-past that showed up in my newsfeed.

We have been here in Batu Pahat since the 23rd of December 2021 to spend our year end holidays: rest & relax & literally do nothing (well I managed to write a few pages of my PhD, with difficulty). 

I am a Batu Pahat girl, even though factually I have spent a very short time in this town. Our family moved to Batu Pahat in 1988 when I was 14, By 1990 I was off to boarding school, then to college for my A-Levels, then to university and finally settled down in KL, returning to Batu Pahat once or twice a year for visits to see mum (mostly) and relatives (occasionally). 

This town happened to be my late father's last job posting. He passed away in 1991 at the age of 46 and was buried here. Geographically the town is closest we have ever been to his 'kampung' in Sri Merlong (since my father started working in 1974) and mum decided to stay put; opting not to return to her birth place in Pasir Mas, Kelantan. 

[Please skip this backstory if you find it too long. The actual entry is below 🤣]

The article painted a picture of an interesting Batu Pahat.

What I knew about Batu Pahat:

1- The stone that was 'pahat' (chiseled) is located at Minyak Beku Beach. When the event happened and water gurgled out of the soil, a well was built at the location, but now a dry well remained. 

2- People come here for seafood and nasi briyani... and kerepek (chips) from Parit Raja

3- There is a 100+ year tree in Simpang Rantai that could not be cut down, and the municipal authority created a roundabout with the large tree on it

4- My former school (Temenggong Ibrahim Girls' School TIGS) was used as a hospital during World War II (and the old block is still there being used by students & during my time there were some 'sightings')

5- This town has lots of pineapple and palm oil plantations

What I knew from the article:

1- In 1456 when Siamese fleets were fleeing from an unsuccessful attack on Malacca, they landed on Minyak Beku beach and ran out of water. Out of desperation they chiseled on rocks and water came out from a particular rock. This was observed by a villager who told the story & somehow the "peristiwa" (event) named our town

2- The Batu Pahat Club (which building still stands until today) was officiated on 1 Jan 1894. This makes the building 127 years and 2 days old! It still serves the same (or similar purpose, I think) as a club for government officers

3- Batu Pahat had a black pepper and gambier plantation that yielded US$1,500 in 1894 (+/-US$50,000 in 2022) to US$55,375 in 1909, fifteen years later (+/- US$1.69 million today)

4- We had a Bank of Batu Pahat founded in the 1920s and was acquired by Singapore's OCBC in 1963

5- We are the second largest city after Johor Bahru (our capital city).

Not too shabby, Batu Pahat 💝