I Will Survive

Talking about something with someone helps. I want to get my life sorted yet there are still many battles to fight and a few more dragons to slay. All my problems will not be solved at once, but at least I can try to reach a point when things are a little more settled.

Moral of the story: choose the right guy to marry. Not one who asks for your money and drags your name through the mud (and does not appreciate anything you have done for him).

For my children:

1- NEVER lend your name to anyone for any loans or favours, not even if this person is your eventual wife/ husband.

2- Plan the number of children you want to have: one is ideal, or the maximum of two. NEVER be persuaded by anyone who says he/ she loves you and wants a big family.

3- A person who loves you will give you freedom and allow you growth, not cage you.

4- (Especially for my girls) Find your own income source, it gives you options.

5- Love yourself first and believe that Allah is just. No matter what happens with your significant other, you have YOU and Allah on your side.

6- Always believe that this life is WONDERFUL and attract good things and people into it.

7- Remember to be thankful all the time for the blessings bestowed upon you.

8- Always see the good in people (even though this may be the hardest thing for us to do).

9- Always be kind.

10- Love Mother Earth. Be alert and engage with the world around you.


What is next? I am taking things a day at a time and letting things flow. I haven't figured out much yet (to say the least) but I have to have a strong stomach & heart & gut to slice through the waves.

Life, here I come. Let's embrace the comings and goings of things, people and events.

The Little Car (Person) That Could

My car is a Perodua Kenari 1.0, a compact (read: tiny) car that was initially meant to be just for me, because Mr Ex's Toyota Camry 2.4V was supposed to be the family car. When we parted ways he took the Camry and my trusted Kenari went everywhere with me.

The thing is, it is a city car but it doesn't know that. We have taken it to Kelantan, Perak, Johor.. and this Sunday it will be making its way to Penang! My little ones will be coming with me and we will have an adventure of our own. I have decided that it is time to be brave and face my world alone. This is my life and I am in charge. My family members or S or my friends can be there for me, but they can't take my journeys on my behalf. This I gotta do on my own.

So- what will happen in Penang? I really don't know or have any specific plans, but I have my cousin staying on the mainland. A number of female friends are based there. We'll see my son & the rest we'll figure out when we touch down. Free & easy, that is my kind of holiday.

My dear girl, open up and embrace this beautiful world. Life is waiting!!!

Apologies

Sorry is indeed the hardest word to say. However if we over-apologise it is also very taxing and tiring to hear.. is it not?

I probably would like apologies in which the "apologiser" actually means it. I can tell.

So in a relationship, how often should I apologise? As often as I can whenever I made a mistake? Isn't this tiring?

Maybe the better option is to go with the flow. LET IT BE.

Cranberries are Good for You

This post is a 'just because' post. Because I miss someone and is in love with someone else. And I am completely and utterly fed-up with another.

Had bought some 300g of cranberries: they're supposed to be good cancer fighters. We'll see.

This post is kinda like 'much-ado-about-nothing' in blog form. There are 200 things on my mind and none very particularly productive.

Health-wise I feel an onset of the sniffles + cough combo. No issues as I usually survive. My daughters have fully recovered. I get the tail end of it. No worries. My body has to build up its immune system yes?

Had just gone to school to submit the application for Primary 1 (2017). Everyone is (will be) in school now (soon). Time has flown very fast & I feel much older than I was before.

How did my life become so disorganised? Well is it? I have so many documents upstairs I don't know what goes where anymore. Some should be burnt perhaps. I still get a tad anxious when browsing through the divorce papers (it's been 2 years for God's sake!!!) but I know the past is buried with my hopes and dreams.

Trudge on bravely my girl. You have grown so much into the beautiful woman you are.

Intertwined

This is probably true when 2 people are involved in a relationship: we get caught up in each others' lives and in some cases it is hard to pull away. It is not a hypothesis but a mere assumption with no basis. Well maybe just a one-sided basis i.e. my own experience. (What am I getting at here???)

What I wanted to say is, once I dated N or S.. somehow there is a need to connect all the time. In comparison before we had the relationship I was quite fine on my own thank you very much. Didn't have to check my whatsapp 5 times a day, right?

Now with S my whatsapp usage is tapering back to almost normal.. because he is busy most of the time.. and sometimes don't even have time to reply to my messages.

(What courage will it take for me to participate in this relationship?)

How long do we chill? As long as we want, I suppose. I will do my own thing & he his. (Do we have a relationship then?). Maybe I am overanalyzing, as usual. I will let it be for as long as I can be patient. When the patience runs out, well we'll see (right?).

I feel my heart is taken care of. I feel that I have a friend who's there for me. I feel that I have someone to bounce off my stories/ ideas/ issues. That's not too bad yeah? (as compared to being an alone lonely soul).

Is he the person for me? He could be. He calms me down. My balance. Will this be enough? What do I want really? Can someone help me with it?

2000 questions. As usual. No specific answers for now. Awaiting for inspiration. (Help me please).

Missing You

Missing S so very much... but learning to be patient. He's being super cool about it, so I have to learn to calm down. Do my own thing. Find my space. Pursue my interests.

In a way this is good. I get freedom to roam. He is always there for me, just a phone call & a heartbeat away.

Non-Issue

Sometimes my emotions can blow common banal things out of proportion. So just now when I felt like crying (for something so petty I'd not even write it here) I decided to sweat it out at the gym. Problem solved. Serotonin levels up. I'm good to face the world.

Reprieve

The children are out with Mr Ex for dinner. My alone time begins, albeit for just an hour or so. Bathe. Eat. Cut my nails. That's it really. Silence is a luxury. Ironing starts after this. Come on, you can do it!!!!

No Complaints

Things are pretty settled now. With the children. With me. With the house. One or two hiccups crop up here and there sometimes. All manageable.

What's next? Monday I have to check the status of my DBA application. When I called they say they have received the application but when I checked online it was mentioned there is no record of my application *shriek*.

Next on my to do list today is to iron the clothes & clean the toilets.

Administratively, I have to register my youngest daughter in school, arrange for my eldest son's guarantee letter & pay my income tax next week.

Honestly I could use a PA right about now (but I really can't afford one).

For fasting month I will order the food from a restaurant. One protein & one vege. We'll cook rice & we'll make do with this arrangement. The alternative is to cook for sahur and breaking of fast. I have to be completely realistic about this: I can't manage it.

So I am ABSOLUTELY thankful to be living in a city where everything is at my fingertips. Literally. All these modcons do make my life more bearable. I am so very glad.

Numerology

Just because I am completely bored I surfed a numerology site.. out of curiosity.. these were derived directly from http://astrology-numerology.com/num-relationship.html

This is me & Mr Ex

6 and 9: This is generally a very compatible relationship prospect as the 9 is one of the few numbers to gain 6's utmost respect. In a family situation, the 6 is unsurpassed as a manager, and the 9 is never reticent in heaping praise in recognition. This often creates a mutual admiration environment that provides a happy home for both partners. The 6 helps the 9 stay focused on details and common sense issues, while the 9 broadens the 6's outlook and sense of the world at large. The expansiveness of this pairing may suggest the need to keep a close eye on the budget.

This is me & N

2 and 6: This is another good love match. The 6 ranks first in family while the 2 tops the chart in love and caring. Still the pair need to watch their Ps and Qs as the 6 has a surprising need for approbation, and 2's thin skin can suffer with the direct and demanding approach that sometimes characterizes the 6. Considerations of feelings is a must.

This is me & S

3 and 6: This is a natural combination that works well in most cases. The 3 is full of enthusiasm and ideas, and the 6 provides the stability, support, and encouragement that often makes this combination an idea team in many ways. The chemistry here is very strong and durable. The challenge of this combination can come in the form of 6 jealous feelings toward the oft flirtatious 3. Usually it will be the 6 who will have to learn to deal with an inborn trait.

Essentially all 3 matches could work.. but right now I am going on the basis of instinct and divine inspiration. I will let it flow when it comes to S, and have turned the page for Mr Ex & N. All the best my dear girl!

Dusk

As night approaches the loneliness sets in. Attend to the children. Bathe. Solat. Cry. Lift myself up again, for tomorrow is another day.

Focus on happiness.. and family.. and friendship.. and growth.

Good Morning

Currently learning to grow and have faith in love. Visually my emotions look like the little deer (fawn?) who have just been born & trying to stand on wobbly legs.

Still haven't figured out much yet. Don't know the parameters of love or haven't measured my capacity to love (don't know how), but I will move forward nevertheless with my plans and welcome love when it comes (or when it is time).

From now on I will think positive thoughts. There are many wonderful things to be grateful for and I am fine. To put less pressure on myself & S, I will consider him as my best friend and confidant. He is free to pursue his interests (as he should) as much as I.. and we will welcome the "feelings" as they appear. Sound very new-age-y but right now this is the best that I (we) can do. 

Focus on HEALING. Let go of the past and release the anger. It is not useful to keep it pent-up. Today I am released from the mental shackles. I am happy being me. I am beautiful inside and out. I have many people who love and support me. I am so very blessed to be given this life to live. I will be alright. Things will turn out GREAT.

Treading with (a little bit more) Certainty

Right now I am at a happy place. Things are going right: I have gotten back my groove at the office & I am becoming more efficient with home duties (especially cooking!).

S is a sweetheart & he looks out for me, so I feel like I have a silent cheerleader.

Let's be happy and heal. Life is too damned short for regrets or sadness.

Talking about sadness.. I have found a song for me at this moment.. Let it Go by James Bay.. Mr Ex this song is dedicated to us & our gone and concluded relationship..

So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?

Where is this Anger coming from?

Still angry with Mr Ex. WHY oh WHY?

I still get tears in my eyes thinking of what he did with her (compared to his treatment of me).

CAN WE PLEASE MOVE FORWARD & STOP THIS?

She probably treated him better & she got reciprocal treatment. I had probably gotten sloppy from our many years of marriage & he got bored. He probably felt unappreciated & looked for someone who would appreciate him. HOWEVER divorcing me was the worst mistake that he has ever made in his life, bar none.

Look at all the great things you have achieved my dear. There were many wonderful souls whom you have met. You have taken part in many activities, you have travelled, you have experienced many new experiences. Things are actually a gazillion times better than during your marriage with Mr Ex.

So where is this anger coming from?

Let go. He was never yours in the first place. Allah lent him to you for a brief moment for you to see the conduct of man.

Now he is out of my life, so I will live the life I want.

How to Avoid an Affair

During lunch yesterday we talked about relationships & how they knew the significant other is the one for them:

Azam said he knew he wanted to marry his wife because she is (and has always been) his best friend.

Amy said she decided to marry her husband because he made her feel safe & took care of her.

[Why did I decide to marry Mr Ex? Because I wanted to spend my life with him. Because I thought we would have a lot of fun together. Perhaps we did, for the first few years before all his old habits resurfaced. All those girls. I don't think he'll ever be able to survive in a monogamous relationship.]

Anyway, the conversation steered towards 'how do you avoid an affair?'. Azam shared his friend's story: every time he considered having an affair, he would come home and look into his children's faces as they sleep & he would end the affair the very next day.

As for me, I just can't do it. I would not be able to look the person in the eyes if I had been the least bit naughty with another man.

So the game plan now is to look for someone who is genetically engineered to be faithful OR someone with a conscience who can take a moment to rationalise the impact of his actions OR (at least) someone with the bloody guts to look me in the eyes and say 'this is not working out, let's go our separate ways'. Let's do that, shall we? First choice is of course the man with the conscience, any day.

Being (Fabulously) Human

Last Saturday night my girlfriends & I went to a talk by Dr Zakir Naik titled "Is Qur'an God's Word?". Following that I watched his videos on YouTube & listened to the various debates he participated in & the many questions he answered.

Earlier in the morning we had gone for a Tafsir class where the Ustaz covered Surah Al-Balad (The City).. the 90th surah & the city in question is Makkah.. and one of the lessons mentioned in the surah was how men are created by Allah with judgement to choose: good or bad, right or wrong. This 'privilege' is not given to the Angels as they are not able to disobey Allah & does whatever that they are told (and for this are guaranteed Heaven).

With this freedom of choice, we humans are made accountable in the Hereafter for the paths we took. Hence there is the 'battle' between doing good or bad or things in between (people like to use the term 'grey areas').

In summary, it is a great power: to choose right from wrong, good from bad.. and in the end the thinking process behind these deeds will be questioned by our Maker in our final journey. Angels don't get to choose. Animals or plants can't choose either. Allah in His Infinite Wisdom has allowed us that privilege & choose wisely we must.

Longing

When we were married we hardly held hands anywhere.. and Mr Ex would walk 5 feet ahead of me, perhaps ashamed to be associated with me and the children..

With Aishah they held hands & took photos close together.. and he had the broadest smile ever. How so very heartbreaking.

N seemed to have taken interest again in his former flame in the group, what with her trip to Paris & all. Whatever. It is a free country the last time I checked. He is free to do whatever he wants.

S is leaving for UK & Spain early next month.. and just before that he will be golfing in Perth. I will be by myself & I'll be alright. I have to decide that, because no one will be happy on my behalf. I have GOT TO lift myself out of the pits.

Back to the point that I wanted to make.. it pains me therefore when certain married women ridicules the things that many people long for.. the companion.. the man you marry is so very precious because he takes care of you & loves you & is there for you always. I see family photos & I see people who have made a commitment to stay together no matter how bad things get, because there are good times too. In fact if we adjust our lenses there are many wonderful beautiful things that we will see.. more than the awful things that he does to irritate you.

I should do the same. I should see the good & stay focused. Let myself be loved even if I am completely & devastatingly terrified. Let's do this: the credo "when you love a man let him go, when he comes back you then it's meant to be".. and if he doesn't, then there are many more men waiting & even if I have to be on my own, I'll manage (in fact I'll be FABULOUS).

Source of Fear

What is the reason for fear (of losing)?

In my case it is probably the fear of messing up a relationship & hurting myself again.

Can I please focus on happiness?

Realistically no relationship is happy & upward looking all the time. Can we please grasp some basic concepts & embrace the reality? Heal yourself my girl & put your trust in Allah. He will give you the best.

Source of Anger

The trigger was a gathering involving a single lady who cooked "pulut durian" for the boys who happen to be married and did not bring their wives along. This was my sinister view of it.

In actual fact it was an innocent request and the girls (not just that single girl) magnanimously agreed as the host, to celebrate the guests.. and there were many guests who attended, not just S and his married friends.

Somehow I still have low self-esteem. Blew my top which caught S completely by surprise. I asked him to choose the girl if he wants & I will walk away readily. In hindsight this reaction was abnormal, given that we are quite settled in the relationship and he is rather enamoured with me.

So yesterday when he returned we talked about various stuff. I am so glad he is mature and handled me well. If he were as immature as I was, the discussion would have been disastrous.

My oh my, what have I done? I must learn to relax and calm down and not jump to conclusions. Let's just live in the moment. Focus on MY life and the children. The trauma of infidelity is not easy to get over with, even when I am in a secure loving relationship. I do love him yet I am completely scared. I have read somewhere that this attitude will ruin a current relationship.

What attitude will I take with S? Will just enjoy the moment & chill. He loves me and we are headed towards marriage, so I have to learn to calm down. He is a good person, hopefully we have compatibility.. and I suppose the rest is left to fate. (I am completely terrified!)

All of Me

When you're in love, all the feelings are magnified. Love, longing, irritation, jealousy, sadness, fondness.. are all mixed up in a proverbial hot soup. When does it stop? Do the feelings ever stop? Maybe they do. After marriage some feelings get dumbed down (I guess) because both become more secure in the relationship, but I do hope that in my next marriage (whenever or to whomever) the feeling of love (and respect) will burn bright all the time.

Am I easy to love? (Is ANYBODY easy to love?)

I had asked this question to Mr Ex a few months after the divorce. He either forgot to answer or refused to answer because the message remain unreplied.

The way I figured is that each of us is not easy to love. Only the person who believes or is silly enough to get into hot soup with you will do their best to understand and match your complexity. In this (I think) lies a powerful concept.. done right the union can be the most fulfilling experience anyone has ever had in their lives.

So, where do I find this person????

The person who will help me unpack my baggage. One who promise to love me in my good and bad and horrendously terrible days. A person who (dare I say it) loves me and whom I can love. Someone who can accept my children and take me as I am.. and someone who I can accept. (Who's this "lucky" person anyway?)

Proposal

Yesterday night S & I and his nephew did a proposal for a golf driving range & golf academy. His niece is an architecture student & almost effortlessly did the perspective view of the driving range and captured the images from various planes of elevation. Simply superb, as I would be completely clueless and hopeless when it comes to these artistic designs.

I did the linguistic part: the slides presentation, objectives, operations, business model & the related stuff. What I found was- it was pretty fun. S has a particular vision in mind & it translated to words and transformed into images before our very eyes (with the help of Aiman & me of course.. *always remember to take credit my dear girl*). I do hope he gets the project because it is an interesting notion, achievable & in a way greatness-inspired (because they want to groom professional golfers from a young age).

My concern is, as usual, the environment: I dread to think of the number of trees they have to cut down, to create an open space that is the driving range.. and we already have one too many golf courses and driving ranges in Malaysia.. and it is a sport that is affordable to a select group (I for one cannot afford to play golf, literally).

If I were the landowner (honestly) I would probably preserve the green & turn it into an educational centre similar to Rimba Ilmu (rimba.um.edu.my) or Sultan Idris Shah Forestry Education Centre (www.sisfec.upm.edu.my) for kids to learn about the living breathing glorious flora and fauna surrounding them.. OR even something like a SkyTrex (www.skytrex-adventure.com) where kids and adults can climb and frolick underneath the canopy of mature trees.. OR simply leave it alone, let the trees grow & create a recreational park like FRIM (http://www.frim.gov.my/) or Bukit Jalil Park. A whole lot of people can enjoy it and the most expensive is probably SkyTrex at RM58.. because they have to maintain the equipments.. otherwise these premises are literally free of charge.

Maybe one day I can convert S into a believer. Until then I will go with this exploration of talent- I realised that I do have a knack for these written proposals & persuasive language (so long as I don't have to do the presentation myself, because I kinda suck at it).

Someday

On certain days I would think of N, and decide that it was all in the past. We will never be together in this lifetime so I would have a moment of silence, a prayer if you like, for the Maker to keep him safe & happy. He has his family with him and he loves the people he's with, and I do not see any room for me or my children in the big (or small) picture.

Well, the thing is, with people you cannot have.. there's always this element of mystery.. as if he would be THE one for me.. and I will be insanely happy with him for forever and a day (but would I be?). If I do decide out of sheer bravado to marry him & be in a polygamous relationship, the most likely outcome is that I will be miserable.. and will not survive the multiple land mines scattered in the relationship. Let's not even explore that.

Initially I was miserable when we broke up, but eventually I forget missing him (we all do after some time, yes?). I was miserable when we dated- the highs were stellar & the lows are pits of hell (this is merely a figurative speech, as I hope never to experience the pits of hell ever.. huhuhuuu). Whenever my heart breaks, it's like a piece of glass crashing to earth: from a high altitude & in top speed, and breaking into a million shards the moment it hits the ground (again, this is figurative, because I am dramatic- so sue me).

Will we ever get together? Most likely not, so I will not pine for any contact with N.

Let's move forward my dear. He is an imagination- something that could have been and not to be pursued in the interest of self-preservation and sanity.

S is real. He is sweet and reliable, and I am giving the relationship a shot. I hope it leads to marriage, I would love to have that level of intimacy with S.. yet I feel that he has been badly burnt in the past & is not in any hurry when it comes to me: he is treading ever so carefully.

This morning on Fly.FM the DJs Hafiz, Dennis & Geebo talked about the dating circle & horror dates. So far *touch wood* I haven't been on any horror dates. Well I don't really date actually; would rather stay home with the children. Both N and S came to me through some common events & we connected. The fact that we have crossed paths before (when we were younger) makes the dates more secure and less risky.

So let me end with a dating advice. Have someone on speed dial for a rescue mission if the date turns out *blech* AND make sure at least one person with an active phone number knows where you are i.e. give the restaurant name/ address AND if you can, drive yourself (or take a taxi) there, because you would not want to be left stranded if he is your ride & the date went horribly.

So N, goodbye & all the best to you. I hope you will be happy always- I know that you are, with your loved ones. I will pursue my chances with S & see how far we can take this journey. Most importantly, I will live my life with no regrets. *Hugssssss*

Hot and Dry

This heat spell is causing a little bit of discomfort but is completely perfect for drying our clothes. My second son usually does the laundry at 8 pm and hang out the clothes by 9 pm.. and lo and behold by morning they're dry!

Have advised everyone to drink more water. The mineral water bottles downstairs need to be replenished very often & it is a good sign that we are all hydrating ourselves.

Fasting month is approaching soon, in less than 2 months. Hope we'll get some patches of rain to relieve the heat. Still do not have air-conditioning in the house as I love the sauna treatment every night. Haha.

Household Management 101

Me and the children are now getting the hang of it when it comes to housekeeping & managing our schedule. It is very liberating to not have a third party in the house & we have fun now. Even the little ones have adjusted to the daycare timing and our weekday routine.

For all these I am extremely grateful. Hope this will continue and we will always be united as a family.

Out Slaying Dragons

My knight is preoccupied tonight. It is interesting how S' married friends turn to him for relationship advice. Perhaps because my sweetheart doesn't judge.. and he will always try to help no matter what. S told me just now that this is psychology.. understanding others.. he doesn't have to be married to solve (married) relationship issues.

Touché. Noted. Understood.

I wished he was around when I had the crisis with Mr Ex. I wonder what he would do.. or what advice he would give me. I probably would end up burning him together with Mr Ex and Aishah. I was THAT angry. Still am a little bit. (What is wrong with me???)

Maybe I should be his case study. Why not. Pre & post analysis. Let's try that out.

I'll Never Forget You

Just now we received news that a good friend (male & married) is now dating another friend (female + divorced) and he is planning to make her his second wife.. and they reconnected during an event held in late Feb 2016.

Am I the only one ringing alarm bells.. or is everybody completely oblivious to the fact that this will not work out?

Moral of the story: NEVER date a married man.

Now the wife is looking for the other woman because she wants answers. My stand? Cease and desist. DO NOT get involved.

N was the married man (the only one I ever considered)- he was one of those people who is sensitive and caring and loving and what-have-you(s) BUT he is already married to the love of his life. What does that make me? An extra @ spare tyre in his car boot?

I will always remember him.. yet this is one of those "I love you but I can't be with you" cases. Newsflash: my being in his life doesn't change anything. His quality of life may change for a brief moment when he is courting me.. and when he gets me ensnared he will start looking for the next person to marry. Please get that through your head. Reality sucks & is extremely hard to swallow.. yet it is what it is. Unadulterated pure stinking reality.

Go ahead. Be supremely angry with yourself. Be disappointed that you have stooped that low. Never judge anybody else from now on, because for a brief moment I was actually the other woman. No game plan, had jumped without any parachutes prepared & had crashed to earth shattered into five hundred million pieces.

He is happily married. He is a good father to his children. He has future plans not involving me. He is probably still hung up on his past quest (who married another) and I am still thinking of him why???????

Let go. Forget this. It doesn't improve my lfe in any way. CEASE and DESIST. There is nothing left here for you my dear, not least of all in the hands of a married man. If ever you marry him you will be a miserable angry woman. Let go. I can rise above this crap. He still irritates the hell out of me, so I will minimise my comments in the group. Now it is weird as if we are on 2 separate channels @ radar. So be it. I will survive. In fact I will do fantastic!

Relax

Calm down. Be silent. Think.

There's a lot to do and settle but I have got to eat the elephant one bite at a time (figuratively).

Got upset with No. 4 just now because she threw a tantrum. I know I shouldn't. Every parenting book I had read mentioned the need for patience and understanding.. but then I blew my top. She did apologise to me and her little sister just before leaving for school & we're all alright.. it's just that sometimes I wish that she wouldn't have started the tantrum in the first place.

Learn patience. Need to work on it. BIG TIME.

Whatever the Outcome

No matter what happens with me & S, I have decided that I will always be his friend. Because he is sweet and we kinda clicked in a certain way.

After going through divorce and being able to reach a mature age, I have decided to learn from my experiences.. be it good or bad.

There is no point being bitter about things. Mr Ex has his own positive points and flaws, like the rest of us. I just hope that he maintains his responsibility to the children & makes all the payments until they all finish their education. I'd rather not think too much when it comes to him. I get stressed up unnecessarily. If persuasion doesn't work then I will have to give him an ultimatum. Make the payments or I sell the house. Make the payments or I will relocate and you will never see the children again. The last resort (which will most likely be an empty threat) is I'll hand over the children to him & leave forever.

Maybe I am still bitter when it comes to Mr Ex. To my children, I would advise never allow anyone to use your name for anything.. even if that person is your spouse. At the first sign of distrust with valid evidence, cut ties immediately. Once a liar, always a liar.

Now I'm just looking for an honest person who will not expect me to support him financially. To hell with those type of men. It is not a wife's responsibility to support the family you idiot. If she does choose to bear some of the household expenses from her own bloody salary AND do freaking everything, then give her the bloody emotional or household support she deserves, damn it. I should have given Mr Ex a few kicks and slaps before we divorced actually. That may appease my anger. Now no matter what he does I will not in this lifetime return to him. Prison doesn't look good on me. Sorry.

What's next? Look forward and keep moving. Leave the past behind. You have progressed so much my dearest. Let's ACE this!

Cooking Repertoire

List of things I can cook (among others):
1- Spaghetti Bolognaise
2- Spaghetti Carbonara
3- Spaghetti Aglio Olio
4- Currypuff
5- Doughnuts
6- Sambal Tumis Ikan Bilis
7- Ayam Masak Merah (3-4 varieties)
8- Ayam Kicap
9- Sambal Tumis Udang with Petai
10- Chicken/ Beef/ Fish Curry
11- Apple Crumble
13- Bread Pudding
14- Jam Tarts
15- Jello
16- Cookies
17- Butter cake
18- Fish Patty
19- Tomyam
20- Tempe (fried, sambal, kicap)
21- Lontong
22- Curry Mee
23- Mee Bandung
24- Mee Rebus
25- Chicken Soup
26- Fried chicken/ fish
27- Chicken Rendang
28- Chicken Rice
29- Ayam Halia
30- Ayam Kunyit
31- Nasi Tomato
32- Grilled chicken/ fish

N's wife's list would probably be 'everything'.. haha..

S asked me the other day if I can cook any Kelantanese dishes. Unfortunately I can't & decided to tell him the truth. So probably he would have to cook those or I would have to learn if we do get married (I know I am getting ahead of myself here..).

Vain Peacock

Had to return home for lunch because I left my makeup bag. Can't rock the nude look to my 2.30 briefing session *shriek* (by the way, it takes makeup to create the nude look too, mind you).

Yes I have been reduced to that vain person who cares a lot about her looks. However, I will look at this positively. I managed to buy lunch for my son to eat before his Friday prayers. I get to see my daughter as she returned home from school, even if she seemed more interested in he phone than talking to me.. and I will look presentable at 2.30 when I see the students.

Mr Ex didn't allow me to apply a touch of makeup when we were married. Only lip gloss, and make sure it's colourless. Yet he looked for a person with full makeup & bling2 from top to toe, with crazy colour outfits. Men are confusing right? Women are easier to figure out. Just keep us busy with jewellery, handbags, clothes & shoes.. and we will be completely happy.

Whatever your external look like my dear, make sure your insides are as good-looking.

Colin Firth

This blog entry is dedicated to one of my favourite actors. When I marry (next), I would like to marry someone having similar characteristics with the guys/ roles he played on TV & the big screen: Mr Darcy in Pride & Prejudice; Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones' Diary and Jamie Bennett in Love Actually. *SWOON*

However I am very realistic at this point. He is an actor who have personalised these roles & made them come alive. As a person he may be as sloppy as the rest of us, ya?

To Mr Colin Firth, all the best in your career & I do hope you will take a part in telling many, many more great stories. Thank you for enriching my life & bringing Mark Darcy to us.

I Heart Smartphones

I don't usually express love to inanimate things, but I absolutely love my smartphone. It has become very convenient to blog using this platform. Literally an idea comes to mind & it can be transferred on screen immediately. The writer in me will be coming out anytime now, I can feel it! (yet the voice in my head goes: really? when?)

Having said that however, I am still exploring my skill set & don't know what type of fiction I will write about. Even seeing this blog actually, I could see that I have been writing entries since 2005.

My first entry is reproduced below.. maybe I should start celebrating my blog anniversaries from now on.. this year my blog turns 11.. my baby.. haha.. always the overreacting drama queen, aren't I?

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29, 2005

Intro

So.. I've decided to allocate myself a lil piece of real estate on the net.. it might be a good outlet for me to let off some steam once in a while.. in my own secluded corner..

It's Just Is (like that)

If life experiences can be undone or forgotten at the click of a button, will that be a good thing?

Initially after the divorce I had wished that all the painful memories could be erased & I can start over with a clean slate. That may not be a good thing however, because I will not have any pre-knowledge (or prior knowledge) to survive in future. That's an academic's perspective. Haha.

Past baggage, although sometime heavy, has shaped me as a person. I remember Angie's words- to allow myself to become better not bitter. Because life is beautiful and Allah loves each of us. He will not give us something that we cannot handle.

An Acquired Taste

S has this way of looking at life which is unique and downright frank.

He doesn't apologise for being naughty.. and he has this concept: that sometimes I don't have to know everything about my significant other, because men are men and they do the things they want to do.. only that some men are honest about it & some put up a façade.

This whole concept is new to me, but I do appreciate him being him (in fact, I love him for it). The next thing to do is to process the information (as usual I take time to do these things).

We agreed that we have a relationship.. we may progress to marriage/ long-term commitment.. we will respect each other's activities & commitments & family time.. I may take time to pursue my studies & get my life organised.. and he appeals that we discuss our issues before I decide to 'just be friends' again.

Today I feel calm and settled. This may last or this may not, but I have decided to think positive all the way. Start trusting again & leave the rest to fate. I love you, S.

Love that Blossoms

My eldest son turned 18 last month. He wants to marry his girlfriend. As a mom, internally I went *GASP* and *SHRIEK* and *!!!!!!* but externally I reasoned with him.

His reason was that he wants to be with her always and forever after.. and if they don't get engaged now she may meet someone else & leave him.

So I went on the premise that we can plan but Allah is the best Planner of all. If it is meant to be they will be together in holy matrimony. If not, someone better is waiting for both of them.

Just now we averted something close to a national crisis. He wanted to visit her in Terengganu & they made their own arrangement to meet.. and they came up with the brilliant idea that he will stay overnight at her grandparents'.

This notion will not cause a stir in suburban Puchong.. but in a small village in Terengganu this is akin to a scandal @ affair. So the grandfather called her father.. who foamed at the mouth.. and her mum called me. She may have a certain opinion already about my lacklustre parenting skills, but didn't show it, and we talked about how this trip can be cancelled. Luckily I had been on the phone earlier with my eldest son & had gone thru the reasoning process. He eventually relented and agreed to stay put in Penang. *PHEWWW*

Love is a many splendoured thing I'm sure.. but at the age of 18 an intervention may be required and necessary.

Time Out

Why do I fall in love so easily? Why am I so easily persuaded? Tonite we met to discuss the event on the 30th. I really miss him & perhaps I do love him.

What is next? I don't know. I have asked him for time. Because I don't know what I want. I do feel the connection with S but I don't want to be the only one who wants more.

I love you S & I miss you. There I said it. I hope you feel it too my dear.

That Sinking Feeling

Lonely. I'm so Lonely. Waaaaaa

However I have decided that life will be wonderful despite the loneliness. There are so many things to be grateful for. Many people love me. Many opportunities are opening up for me and the children.

No matter how it turns out with Mr Ex (my instincts tell me that he is planning to get married), I will remain positive that he will be responsible for the children.. or risk my wrath.. haha..

S messaged me last night, asked me how I'm doing. Being me I told the truth: that I'm not really OK but will survive. I think he has never met or dated anyone like me. Probably he's thinking whatever have I gotten myself into? Well he doesn't have to think much anymore, because we will remain as friends forever after.

Let's be wonderful despite whatever issues that crop up. Once my classes start I may not even have the time to blog. These are the moments with myself that I treasure. Alhamdulillah.

My Ideal Job

Where I get to travel on an all-paid expense & write & have flexible work hours.

Would the job please find me. Haha. As if.

Travel writer. That's the job, isn't it?

Will look for options once the teens start their university studies. For the time being I will lay low and focus on my own studies.

Outcome-based Relationship

When Mr Ex and I first dated, we were studying in our first year of university. Love blossomed late because I was still under strict 'no romance during studies' instructions by Umi. Anyway I flew off to UK and he had to repeat some papers and joined me a year later. So for one year we had a long-distance relationship. He rejoined me during my final year of university & we married the instant I graduated.

All in all we knew each other for 3 years before we tied the knot. We wanted to marry earlier but since we were not working yet, we had waited for security i.e. a paper qualification that'll help us for the future.

That's more or less my story with Mr Ex.

With S, he had been single for all his life. He was engaged once but they didn't make it to the altar. To this day he's probably still hung up on her, I don't know.. but with me he has not mentioned marriage or anything close to it. We have known each other since July last year because we worked on a few alumni activities, but started dating sometime in December 2015. I started prompting about marriage when we started getting close.. and no matter how persuasive I was (or how threatening), he just won't mention the word.

So, to cut the story short, because it is getting late.. I have taken the liberty to make my own conclusion about me & S:
Possibility 1: he never wants to get married, ever
Possibility 2: he wants to get married, but not to me

Anyway I have noticed that the profile of girls he dated are the sweet petite compliant damsel in distress types. Oh so help me! Wake up & smell the roses. I do not fit into the profile, he has never mentioned marriage and he only thinks of me after all his friends & acquaintance & family members have been entertained. Yet I'm still hanging around why???

Mamma Mia

Life is happy when you want it to be. My soul has to decide that it is happy and the body plays along with it... and eventually the heart heals.

Today's song is Mamma Mia. Especially the chorus. Singing it in irony. Because in certain cases you are totally in love with a person & that person loves you too, but you really can't be together.

Engagement party for N's sister in law today. May she find happiness with the person.. her fiancée.. for now and forever after.

For me the skepticism is still very strong. S knows this I think. I'm in no position to commit to, let alone marry anyone. He is a sweetheart actually & he probably is willing to be my companion... but traditional me would like a marital commitment. See how my mind works?

I've come to realise that whatever I do, I would like to gain brownie points with my Creator. My heart and conscience can't take it otherwise. So thanks Umi & Baba for raising me well.

Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know,
My my, I could never let you go.

Missing You

At this point I am missing both N and S. Is that possible? I suppose it is, because I'm feeling it. The sadness is about S though. About something that could have been & I had felt unwanted. With N, well... there's no way that relationship would work out, so I walked away.

Good nite. May we achieve all that we dream of. *Hugggssssss*

Dateless & Lonely

Relax. Take it Easy. Things will get better.

In the larger scheme of things, there is actually no room for a man (romantic relationship) in my life. So many things to manage.

Let's be immersed in this new state of mind. It is liberation. The road is now open wide. Explore and be completely one with yourself.

Let go of things that are not meant to be. Say goodbye to your plans (or daydreams, rather) concerning that person. They are also liberated from my hold.

Mixed feelings. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. Like I want to run back & take back my words.. yet at the same time I feel like I want to disappear and take a holiday somewhere.

Life is good at this point. I will be alright. Sayed is away doing umrah. I wonder what du'a he would have made for S. I hope he would du'a for S' happiness, that S would find the girl he favours, to settle down with. Someone who can make his life better. Someone he adores.

Some things work out & some things don't. That is life. Move on. Let's not be dependent on a man to be a source of happiness. There is a switch in me that I should be able to flick to reach the state of peace.. of acceptance.. of happiness. I will work on myself and be wonderful. Let's go my dear. Love you lots.

Elimination

From now on I will do this. Based on pure instinct I will reject (or leave) the man who I feel unsuitable to me. Early on. Before any love is developed in my heart.

Honestly I was surprised by my reaction to the "relationship restructuring" with S, because I thought with him I had guarded my heart. With N, I had loved with abandon (which was prettty reckless in the circumstances because I fell down hard). So I hope the next guy is a patient person who  help me uncover my complex.

Good night my dear. I love you.

Well someday someone will give this message to me. Why not? it is completely easy & free to dream, isn't it?

Lonesome Soul

Not having a social calendar means that I have now a lot of time to go to the gym, cook, clean the house, sort out my affairs (bills, letters), read, wander into space...

Not that I had much of a social calendar before anyways.

Sleep and wake up early. Get the children ready. Freshen up.

Honestly now there's hardly time now, even for make-up!!!

Need to lose another 1.2kg.. not because I want to fit into a size XS wedding dress (that's our running joke, Yanti & I).. but because I want to achieve and maintain my ideal weight.

For me this weight thing is a burning promise to Mr Ex.. that I will never be fat until the day I die. So I have to fulfil that oath. I intend to. Don't worry about it.

Hitting the Open Road

Dear World here I come.
All faculties intact.
Heart in pieces but it is still beating.
I will be alright.

What's next?
My studies
Being a good mother
Focus on work

That's all that I can handle for now.

Still processing, feeling like a slap in the face.
Best thing I never had?
Possibly.

Better, much bigger things are coming my dearest.
You are fabulous.
Survive.
Thrive.
Flourish.

I feel like locking myself up and dancing crazily, but the kids have to eat. So I will complete my duties and crazy dancing will just have to wait.

Love you Babe!!!!!

Baby I Got Me

It's true what my experienced-in-dating friend said. No matter how many times you fall in & out of love, the feeling of heartbreak is the same. After 2 guys post-divorce, I totally get her.

The only difference now is that there is absence of anger. Being mature I had wished both N and S well. How did I recover? Venting through writing (like so) and listening to loud upbeat music. That's it really. This is how a heartbreak is meant to feel like.

Still trying to get over & rationalise S. He does not see me as someone he would marry eventually. Not meant to be (in his books). I will be fine. Whatever right? Life is too short.

Be

Rise up to it and grow... damn it!!!

Stop moping.

Move forward.

Realise how great you are.

How beautiful.

How wonderfully lucky any man would be to be in your company.

To hold your heart. To keep you safe.

He's probably still out there.

Well, if you're anywhere close I'm right here alright.

Actually.. even if you don't show up I'll be fine and complete on my own.

Not the Marrying Kind

Now I think I'm getting closer to the truth. By pushing. Persuading. Questioning. Perhaps I'm not such a bad lawyer after all (I wish!).

For some reason I can't get him to commit to anything close to marriage.

He misses me. Yes.
Does he love me? Not quite (maybe), he does not say it directly.
Is this (Will this be) a long term relationship? Yes.
Can I see @ date other people? No.
Are we going to marry sometime in future? Don't know.

He mentioned something along the line of "if it is meant to be we'll be married".. wtf is that.. it's not even a proper answer.

Not that I'm looking to marry him soon anyways, but I want certainty. Would be good for my mental health.

In the final analysis I conclude that he has chosen to remain single.. either that.. or he is looking to marry, but the person is not me. Both scenarios are not consistent with my image or self-esteem. I'm outta here.

The Need to Love (and be Loved)

Why are we all so desperate for love sometimes? Me especially. What is it about being in love that is so sought after?

Perhaps I like the attention. That someone is thinking of me. Well my children and family thinks of me. But I guess it is different when you have a special someone.. one person.. who thinks of you.. and you think of..

I want a companion who loves me as I am. Someone who I can grow old with. I am old fashioned that way. Not exactly white picket fence etc.. but a home we build together, our sanctuary. I want someone to love with whom I feel safe & treasured.

So take note my dear.. you can't expect it from people if you don't give it. Am I ready to give? Do I have it in me or has Mr Ex drained me of my capacity to love and care?

Well I think I am able to love and care and trust again, and I pray for someone kind and worth giving my love and attention to.. and hopefully he feels the same about me.

Still in sad sulking mode.. but I'll be alright. Whoever S chooses I promise I'll be happy for him. Seriously I don't fit the profile of the usual girls he date. Let's leave this one be. Can't wait for my May class to start.

Mismatches & Common Ground

We are as different as night and day, yet he urges me to find some common points.

From what I see, these are our similarities/ workable points:
- we are both very practical & direct people
- we work very well together (on external projects unrelated to romantic relationship)
- we are comfortable being silent, when in each other's presence
- we are loyal to each other
- we are both family-oriented (close to our mums & siblings & extended families)
- we both understand the feeling of heartbreak
- we are both good drivers
- we complement each other: he grounds me with his sensibility & I provide the 'happy' element
- we love the outdoors

There are a lot more differences, but that's material for another time.

My next question: Do I want this? Do I want to make this work? Will I make him happy? Will he make me happy (I think he might, if I can understand what makes him tick).

Let's not be a people-pleaser or the martyr again my dear. You did that with Mr Ex and look at the treatment you got from him. I will be my own person now & I am no longer easy to handle.

Well the next question is: Does he want this?

Time Out

If you love somebody let him go. If he comes back to you then he was meant to be with you. If he doesn't, well it means that you have better places to go to and better things to do.

We are now in the friend zone. Let it be. Time Out. Have a Break, without the Kit Kat.

Let's explore the real me. Who am I? What do I want? How will my future be?

Let's not be dependent on a man or thing or situation to make me happy. I will depend on me.

(Easier said than done!!!)

The other part of me however longs for attention. I do adore him but don't want to be in a position of an unrequited love. So I am taking a step back for him to figure out what I am to him. 

Do I have to be with a man? No, not really. I am a confident complete woman & I do not have to prove myself to anyone, being draped on somebody's arm. Whose hands are big enough to hold my crown? That person will be my man.

Social Media Free Day

Today I will not open my messages or post anything on social media. Let's see how long I will last. It's actually not that important right? Well maybe certain private messages are necessary. Other than the message to my eldest son, I will take a break from everything else. Enough exposure already. Don't be a chatterbox. Be patient and observant and QUIET. (How do I do 'quiet' anyways?).