Thursday, February 29, 2024

I'm sorry I can't

Some women may accept certain indiscretions by their husbands.
Am I too strict or unrelenting?

Some women understand that their men may need 'entertainment' from other women.
Am I too restrictive to expect my husband to pay attention only to me?

Some women let go of small matters, because he was loyal.
Was he loyal really, to be gallivanting with other women?
So long as he returns home to us, it is all forgiven?

I don't know how wives with husbands in entertainment handles all these issues.
Maybe they're built of stronger stuff.
Maybe their men are stronger to deflect temptations.
Maybe they have a bigger purpose to serve.
Maybe the benefits outweigh the cost?
I am being presumptuous, and these speculations may not be fair.
Many men are loyal, but I ended up with the "casually loyal" ones.

Most women may take all these experiences in stride, but not me.
This is my last marriage ever.
I am but a broken-hearted woman,
I no longer hope for love from a husband or male companion.
I am enough.
I will survive.
I will keep walking.
Please protect me from falling for men who are bad for me.
I need to get the rose-coloured glasses off.
What I feel is immaterial.
I have to see what is in front on my eyes,
for what they really are.
WAKE UP!!!

One Day I will tell you about Today

Today I cleared out the last of my things from his house.
Next step is likely divorce.
I will talk to him tomorrow.
I wonder if i have the energy to listen to his explanations.

I had married a forever bachelor, this second time.
It can be clearly deduced that I am not important in his life.
Whether I am there, or not... It does not matter to him.
I may be useful to have around,
but even if I'm not, his life will not be any different.

Well I don't expect to be put on a pedestal,
but sometimes I would like to feel like a wife.
How does that feel like you say?
I don't know, but I don't really feel it in both marriages.

Both don't want to declare they're married.
Both would rather NOT have me around in public events.
Both prefer to tell the world that they're single.
Both enjoy the company of other women very much,
Especially gorgeous attentive young girls who giggle too much.

With 2 samples I don't think it's fair to generalise men.
I won't want to collect further samples.
On my part I will consider that I was not a good wife.
Not one who makes her husband happy.
I think I caused both men misery (where do I begin?)
Not a wife material.

What's a wife material you say?
I really don't know too.
I just know I am not.
Hope that is enough.
Don't ask any more.
I do not have any answers πŸ™…

Wednesday, February 28, 2024

The One that Got Away

Sometimes the romantic idea of the one that got away is miles better than the actual person you married. Because you realise that she is FLAWED AS HELL!!! 
You then reminisce, what if I had married the other one?
That would be fun/ different/ at least she is not like my wife?

Men, if you are thinking this, please put these thoughts AWAY.
They are not helpful and does not contribute to the goodness of your lives in any way.
If at all it will push you to seek a joy elsewhere, which you may never find.
Because guess what? That other person is FLAWED AS HELL too!!!

There is no perfect being, except the Creator.
Newsflash: YOU MY HUSBAND is not perfect either.
So why seek happiness/ perfection elsewhere?
Isn't it better to find perfection in the person you're married to?
I would hate to say good bye but unfortunately my mind is kind of made up.
Have I not warned you?
Thanks for paying ATTENTION!!!

A Litany of Angry Words may be better than silence

Hubby may find this blog, OR NOT.

It doesn't matter. I have gone silent on him.

Why call or message when he is with his love interest, right?

I never disturb. That is just not me.

So my litany appears in another platform. This one.

When I see him tomorrow I probably have not much to say.

Because I have exhausted my words here.

Oh my God the heartbreak is so REAL!!!

It's like I can ramble for YEARS if I could.

But I probably shouldn't.

It's unbecoming.

Sometimes Love is just ain't Enough

Second time around, I confirm this.

It is just not. There are other things that we need:

  • Maturity
  • Communication
  • Respect
  • Trust
  • Loyalty
  • Honesty
  • Support
  • Resilience
  • A binding promise

The above is just the tip of the iceberg.

We probably need to throw in money in there somewhere. Or good financial planning.

And health, and be good to look at, and must contribute to the marriage/ pull our weight.

We can still be here in the next 24 hours and I'm sure we will add something to the list.

Effectively I have lost faith in love. The everlasting one is from parent to child, and to a lesser extent between siblings. With husband & wife, it's kind of 50-50/ touch & go.

Much respect to husbands who took care of their wives well long into their golden years and beyond. I haven't found that guy, and do not wish to find him at this point to be honest.

How we ended up at Square One

Well not exactly square one, because I have learnt new lessons.

New lessons ain't bad, because now I have knowledge. The only way now is up up up. Once I picked myself up from this puddle of mess.

I'm now back at my house. Thank goodness for a house, for a job, for an income to sustain me. I will survive. One step at a time. Let's make it. Because I can. I will. I have to. 

Choices are important. The decision is no less difficult or heartbreaking no matter what station in life you are in. Gemma Chan in Crazy Rich Asians portrayed this well. Her character is loaded as hell, is highly successful in her business, buys whatever she wanted, and hid these trinkets from her husband's view to not hurt his feelings. What did he do? He found another woman who is accessible, more available and attentive to his needs. She (Astrid) loved him damn it. But that was not enough. He was seeking something that she could not provide. Will this vicious cycle ever end???

Time for some Britt Nicole's The Sun is Rising "You're gonna make it"

I suspect even if divorced it won't make such a big impact on our lives. We never announced the wedding because he was not ready (I don't think he ever will be). Many of our friends do not know & probably think I am just a hangers on since 2014. Whatever. Like I care. Before God we were wed 5 years ago & I know what I know. 

He is not going to be too concerned either way. Married, unmarried. Whatever. Up to you, he would say. Yes it is up to me and I am filing for divorce. There is just no point pretending. Carilah calon baru. Dah jumpa pun agaknya.

I am not a bystander. I am the main event. Thank you very much!

Five Stages of Grief in 3 days

This is an exaggeration, because the cycle will repeat itself.

Currently I am just allowing myself to be crippled by sadness, a little mix of anger and disappointment, and this constant dull heartache which I know will eventually go away. He will be okay, he always claim that. No matter what. I am but a blip in his radar. Mere seconds. Blink and you miss.

I do not expect that he will be too surprised or startled or unfazed by all this. Eventually he will concoct a funny story to describe our marriage, without assigning blame. He is kind that way. That he is.

How was 5 years in marriage? It was alright. It was good while it lasted. 
We made it work. We never fought. He treats me well.
Then why on earth do you want a divorce?
Because I cannot be a bystander & get hurt in the process.
I am worth much more than that.
If the marriage is a liability, I must cut my losses.

I'm starting to see it now.
The liposuction.
The urgent need to lose weight.
The shoes, endless shoes. Fancy shoes.
The colouring of his hair and moustache.
The insistence to have me tone my body 
(because maybe now he has a body to compare mine with?)
Oh my, it is all coming to me now.
Like a (figurative) tonne of bricks.
But the lucky thing this time I am not thrown under the bus.
I'm presuming that she thought he is single.
Because we never did formally announce our wedding.
In their equation, I probably do not exist. 
To them I might well be a unicorn, or a troll, or a leprechaun.
I will do what he does and not assign blame.
It is not his fault, because men can stray.
It is not her fault, because she didn't know.
It's probably my fault then, for not taking care or myself, or him, haha.

It's not haha funny, but haha ironic.
I did what I could but it is not good enough.
Please try again.
But I probably won't.
Goodbye Romeo.
All the best for your quests.

Nothing Breaks Like a Heart

No matter how many times this happens, it hurts.

I can understand how certain movies focus on erasing the hurt (e.g. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), like it is some type of pimple or wart that you can zap away. I am for embracing the pain & emerging stronger on the other side. And I am glad that I can do that privately, because I am not a celebrity. I can be by myself, dressed in any way that I like, without paparazzi taking my photos or analysing every little nuance of behaviour, comparing it to my past mannerisms which I may not even know or realise I had.

Thank goodness for privacy. And being a common man. It's liberating.

Some moments I want to cry; I do remember the good times too; I do love him and in some respects care for him; and love his kindness. However the big picture is I cannot live with a person who is not loyal. It's just too much to ask of him, because she stands with the POV of men can marry 4, they can look at women, it's normal for men to want other women (and all that stuff). 

Funny that I have chosen to wake up now. I began to see my stupidity. He is not all that. He is just a person. So am I. We have been chosen to spend 5 years together and the time is now up. 

Am I a bad person for wanting to separate? Whatever. Do I care???

For my mental health I am making this choice. I cannot be here & have him slash my heart.

Too many unanswered questions. Too many suspicions. I really do not need this sort of speculative uncertainty. He clams up when certain calls come up on his phone. Or he doesn't answer it.

So be it. Please follow your heart my dear husband. I will not be here anymore the next time you turn. And I wish you the best always. You are a wonderful person & thank you for the 5 years. Toodles!

Men and their Needs

Men, please do not be upset with my recent posts. Many men are decent I believe, and they're hard to find. I had settled for 2 men at different times of my life and we appear not to be good matches. I take responsibility. I chose them. I made them marry me. And they strayed because I didn't take care of them. Other women were able to do the job better. They are more caring, like to be together all the time,  plans a good time with each other, manages the household well (or gives the impression that they do during the dating stage), prioritise the men, manja, sweet, and did I mention caring?

My personal conclusion is that I am just not wife material. I will no longer seek marriage after this, it is just not worth it anymore. I have my children, my job, and soon my phd, and I will have stuff to do instead of focusing on a husband

Perhaps another advice to me is: don't rush into it. Seeing that there'll be no more romantic relationships in the future, I will not rush. I will not even move. Like the movie scene where the cafe patron just sits and watches the people, vehicles, and the world go by. I am that person now. A bystander. Don't mind me. I'm good where I am, thank you very much.

Another advice that I need for me: YOU SAW THAT BOTH OF THEM HAD A TYPE AND I AM NOT THEIR TYPE!!! Why on earth did I choose not to see/ acknowledge that? Ex-hubby likes tall chubby girls. Hubby likes petite damsel-in-distress types. HOW did we end up together? Did I choose to see what I want to see? Probably. I was blinded by love, or lust, or something. I really don't know. Or my selection of men is flawed. Or marriage is just not for me, because I don't know how to do it. No matter how much I adapted, I cannot fit the job. It's just something I cannot do well, or even decently. Like modeling, or acting, or cross-stitch, or crochet. Not my thing.

History Repeats Itself

He is a caring man, hubby is. A nice guy overall. Kind, does not scold. Patient, does not berate or raise his voice to me (or anyone, for that matter).

However the personality clashes have happened. We are not the same people and we don't really live by the same values. We coped, because we loved each other. I know I did, I accepted a lot of things which he did (e.g. turning the TV on because he wanted some sound when he sleeps vs me who sleeps in silence and darkness). We found some workarounds. Sometimes I will go and sleep in the spare room, in darkness and quiet. He has recently agreed that some days we can sleep in darkness and quiet, but asked me to wait until he dozes off before switching off the TV. Fair. That I did.

I probably should hear him out before taking drastic actions. That I will do when he returns tonight, or tomorrow? I don't know & at this point I don't really care. Men think that when they have other women their wives do not notice. I beg to differ. At some point we WILL notice. Mid-life crisis in particular, is VERY GLARING no matter how much you deny it. I must say kudos to the wives who have disciplined or forgiven or tolerated their husbands for these periods of their lives, to go on and celebrate their 30th 40th or 50th anniversary together. I am living through 2 men's 40s and 50s and not surviving the onslaught. I guess at some point they will stop, maybe at 60 or 70, or maybe even 80? Maybe there is a strategy when (young) women marry men in their 80s, so that they have their husband's full attention?

I am not young anymore, he is not either. I do try, in the circumstances, to make myself presentable and healthy at this age. He does too.

He has wondering eyes unfortunately, and sometimes this breaks my heart. I wish sometimes he could be more discreet with the beautiful women ogling especially when I am right by his side but he would say "men can look, such is our nature, it's wasted if I don't look (because she dressed up and everything)" and I have learnt to swallow my comments, look away and pretend nothing happened. No more. I will not be in that situation anymore.

As much as I love the person whom he is, his family, his kindness, I am 80% sure that I will be saying goodbye. It's an ROI thing. I am in a marriage expecting a minimum level of communication and respect. He was much better before, especially in the first year of marriage. In the 5th year, he just said "what to do, this is my wife of 5 years" and that's it. I know I am to blame too, because I am worse: I forgot the date completely. So there, I accept full blame. On the basis that he deserves so much better, I will make my way out. My time here is done.

The Weight of Expectations

Being a woman in Asian society may be a challenge at time, depending on the circles you associate yourself with.

I divorced at 40, remarried at 46 and my mother in law hinted at me about grandchildren. I replied to her (most likely wrongly) that I am already entering pre-menopause and may not be able to bear children. Hence when hubby returns from Jakarta I will propose that he marries a young girl to bear that grandchild for his mother. Well technically she never brought it up, but I guess what is in someone's heart and spoken aloud deserves some type of attention, and action, on my husband's part.

You can be highly educated and successful in your job AND you will still be expected to be a good cook and homemaker and take care of washing, cooking and cleaning. Most of us do anyways. Well, if I might say that myself. Not me, I don't mind washing the plates but I'm terrible with all the other stuff. Sometimes I cook, but not because I have to but I WANT TO. Huge difference there, brother! I plan to seek divorce and not do any of these things for him anymore. Let him find a maid or a wife or a maid he can sleep with for this purpose.

Being divorced in itself used to be a HUGE taboo. Would society prefer a woman be continuously battered by the man who was supposed to look after her? Is she expected to sit down and take it when her husband goes gallivanting with other women? Would it be worth sacrificing her happiness to maintain a united family front, complying to society's unrealistic standards (as she looks into the camera, dead in the eyes)? Why does society impose numerous expectations when no one has walked a mile in our shoes?

So ladies, please do not apologise. For being single/ married/ divorced, for choosing not to have children, for not knowing how to cook/ cook well, for not being a Martha Steward disciple, for pursuing our careers. We live by these choices and took responsibility. What's it to them anyways.


Tuesday, February 27, 2024

You know a good song is about to come out!

Artists and heartbreaks = this is a formula for some great songs

  • Save your tears - The Weeknd
  • Piece by piece (re-made) - Kelly Clarkson
  • So what - Pink
  • Back to December - Taylor Swift
  • The Sun is Rising - Britt Nicole
  • Love Song - Sara Bareilles
  • Someone Like You - Adele
  • Praying - Ke$ha
  • Flowers - Miley Cyrus
  • I will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
I am going to take it all in stride and make a SMASHING SONG!

Who is Aiza?

She has had her stuff stored in the locked room for years.

When we were married the room remain locked.

She came by a few years ago to get her things... partially.

She had thought that I will not be at home, but I was, and she seemed uncomfortable to see me.

There are letters that reach the house often. Another woman's name.

When I asked who is that, he says that she is Aiza's mom.

He had been friends with Aiza's dad before, and when he left (divorced her mom), he felt responsible and took care of Aiza and her siblings.

Aiza calls him often too, to ask for silly things: regulatory information (doesn't she have colleagues, or other friends practicing accounting??? he is not even in the same field!!!); where to get sugho (www.shopee.com???); to send him stuff (engkau pernah duduk kat rumah ni bertahun, takkan takde alamat kot???) and to update on deaths and weddings in her family (WTF and who the hell are you??? his nieces and nephews update him too, but he didn't leave and take the call outside when they do!!!).

I think she may have been his ex-fiance. Good friends of mine has said to let it go. And I did. But apparently she did not. If she is a foster daughter she wouldn't have addressed him by name and spoken so manja on the phone "Awaaak, tahu ke kat mana jual sugho?" (please read this in a manja way).

It had been mental torture to look at the locked room. When she took some of her things I peeped and looked. Mainly stuff in boxes. I don't know what's in them. He had said books and clothes and some kitchen utensils. She had been married by then, with 2 kids, apparently to a wealthy guy: could you not have taken these back to your big house??? SOMETHING IS VERY FISHY HERE!

I have let her go, but there is that feeling when she calls or when he takes the calls outside.

When his friends or family call, it is always inside.

Sometimes he puts on speaker phone, or I get called to join into the family video calls.

Or even if he takes the call outside, he will tell me who that was.

With this person, he never does tell. He will say mind your own business, you don't need to know. So secretive, and precious.

If this happens, then I know FOR CERTAIN that it was her who called.

Either her or some other women he's trying to be sweet with. 
But this is a story for another day, maybe tomorrow πŸ‘»

She, I would say, is his old love lost. He would like to have her, but couldn't. But he promised (or gave the impression) that he will always be there for her. And he was. He is. Still.

Clarity

Well I'm not fully clear-in-the-head yet but I can start to see what's next.

I will let this sadness wash over me. Bring it on.

Once I find my feet I will keep walking.

My journey continues...

The loves of my life will be there always, for me.

That, I am sure of.

p/s: We are connected by blood and they cannot leave (haha).

Please read that last sentence in a less creepy way,
I may look creepy at times but I'm actually quite normal (my autism aside).
My children, my flesh and blood, will be informed in due time.
We will live our lives together as we should.

The pain, second time around, is as real as before.
Almost like deja vu because I am still with the same company doing the same teaching job.
However I thank God for this. Teaching makes me forget the pain.
When it comes I can swipe it away, "Go away, I'm in class"... almost.
My presentation will be on the first of March. Wish me all the best!

A lifetime is too long

Many people asked me reconcile when ex-hubby found someone else.
Stay, for the children... they had said.
You have spent 15 years together... why don't you forgive him?
Well I wanted to & asked him to leave her, but eventually he realised it was not possible.
So I left instead.

I don't want to spend my life wondering who he is thinking of,
Who is he holding the nights when he was/ is away
Whether he found happiness with her, more than or as much as with me
What was it that I did that caused that
Well I am a stubborn person and that normally is the reason
And I could be more romantic or caring, but I did not try
I have made many mistakes, may have been too aloof, or could have.. should have.. would have..

But I cannot wonder no more
He has made his choice
I am free to choose too
He cannot hold me back
I have my path to follow
Let me BE

Monday, February 26, 2024

It was not for me

There was a scene in Love Actually where Emma Thompson, playing the character of Alan Rickman's long-time wife, found a box of jewelry (containing a necklace or bracelet, I don't quite remember) in her husband's pocket. She got really excited, thinking that that would be her Christmas gift, and the rest of her day was a joy.

When she got a CD/ VHS boxset for Christmas (again, I don't remember details well), she knew that he had someone else for whom the gift was bought. Tearing up, she got up and left to the kitchen to prepare their Christmas dinner. I watched it many years ago & re-watched it post-divorce. It was a sad scene to begin with, but hits differently the second time/ post-divorce.

Despite the bummer that was, the character which she played eventually recovered and found herself.

Such is life. I went through that. The engagement ring he bought her was more expensive. Higher priced than any ring he had ever given me. From the very action I understood my worth, and mustered the courage to walk away. 

Some may argue that I was too extreme. Maybe I was, but I cannot imagine negotiating these sort of turns and wonder the rest of my life: who am I to him? Almost 16 years of my life, bore and took care of 5 of his children, and I am worth less than an engagement ring. That cuts deep my brother. You cannot do that to me. Not once. Not EVER. 


Proposed Strategy for Hubby

I would suggest that he marries someone young, perhaps as young as 18? 16 is possible too, as that is  the marriageble age for Malaysia but he must get her parent's consent.

He will have the joy & beauty and elasticity for about 10-12 years, because biologically women start losing their skin elasticity after 28. Some exercise & healthy food choices may help but essentially biology always win.

For another 10 years till she's about 38 she can look after herself well into her 40s. She can dress up for him, cook nice food for him, give him massages, praise all his achievements, be proud of all his Tan Sri/ Datuk Seri/ Datuk/ Datin/ Ambassador connections, and attend all the weddings or events looking fabulous, with the makeup he will buy for her.

By that time he will be about 70 and based on the average mortality age of Malaysian men, approaching death & hopefully no longer looking for a mate. By that time their children will be about 20 years of age & almost financially independent. When he dies and she's in her 40's she may still find another person who will look after her, and she will have that child to care for her, provided they raise him/ her well.

Back to the present day... if he finds this someone within the next few months I probably would help him to ask her hand in marriage. I will give him that much fodder to gloat to the world. If she asks if it's really okay with me I will say yes, we have agreed. I might even attend their wedding who knows. Or maybe not, because we didn't have a wedding reception, it would be bad judgement on my part to attend. Plus it would be uncomfortable for others at the event. Ignorance is always bliss.

After their wedding we will finalise our divorce and I will move to New Zealand with the children.

And in the end, everybody lives happily ever after.

Maybe I spoke too soon

I had told my dinner buddies during the reunion 2 days ago that "it is refreshing to be married to a mature person". Well technically it is still true. Being married to a mature guy is indeed much better than being married to a whiny immature person.

These are the things I have learnt from 2 marriages. I have not had boyfriends, so I do not have anything to contribute from this aspect. These summaries are based on 2 boyfriends who I eventually married:

- find a mate who you can converse with; no point marrying someone just for his looks or body, if he cannot contribute in a conversation, or give an opinion on things (big and small)

- find a mate who is a good friend, and hope that even if you end that marriage the friendship will subsist; a friend knows you inside out, your inner beauty and demons too (in some cases); if he marries you in spite of all that, he has embraced "you" in totality, not just the nice sparkly bits

- to me, a trustworthy person is my top expectation; it equates to being loyal and loving you and being there for you as you will for him; hence when infidelity happens I will be out of that door faster than 2 tail shakes; if it happens once it will happen again and again... and again; men (and women) don't change, especially after they are older than 40 (well some do, but it rarely happens, if ever)

- a kind person is a keeper, someone who treats you well; for me I do not expect a hopeless romantic with gifts and flowers every valentine's or anniversary, a kind person is enough: i.e. someone who doesn't abuse you physically or emotionally, someone who keeps your secrets, someone who you can share your joys and tears without judgement

That's about it really for me. I used to have some physical traits' expectations e.g. a tall person, or someone with beautiful eyes but I have let them go because they do not really mean much. It is the PERSON who matters.

Every individual goes into marriage with love, with hope, with some minimum expectations. Myself included. A good marriage builds you up and makes you both better individuals. If your mate no longer values you and eventually chuck you aside like an old shoe*, it is time to move on my girl!

*even if he doesn't plan to (chuck you aside), even if he says that I can love you both/ love you all, or I can be fair... I feel better leaving, because I DO NOT LIKE CROWDED PLACES!!!!!!!

Blame it on Youth?

For my first marriage, he was the same age as me. We dated in university and married right after graduation. I bore 5 of his children and after 15 years of marriage he found someone younger and better. We divorced on the year during what would have been our 16th anniversary.

For this second marriage I found someone a tad older, he was my senior in high school. He had never been married & had his own ways, which I adapt to. I appreciate his maturity, the way he looks at things. We have wonderful conversations about anything in the world. Now after 5 years of marriage, I may face an impending indiscretion. 

Men always talk about it, about finding a second one. Especially after a certain age. 40 comes to mind, or 50 (or maybe even 60 or 70? I don't know, because I haven't reached the age yet). They consider themselves in their prime as their wives approach perimenopause or menopause (I am looking at relationships like mine, whose wives are about the same age; having met them at school or university). Somehow they go on a lookout (or gives the impression that they do) for younger girls who are all that. Their wives used to be young and hot too. And the husbands themselves are not young either. 

Yet somehow men's market opened when they reach 40s or 50s as their bank account and wallet sizes expanded. And the men freely and openly state that their wives have let themselves go, tak jaga imej, selekeh and all that. Like THEY have been gorgeous all these while. And ironically we prepared their clothes and clean their underwears & socks, polished their shoes so they could look presentable. A friend of mine even buys clothes for her (ex) husband, good ones that match him and made him more fashionable BECAUSE he was her husband and she wanted him to look good. He got all dressed up and left. Is this the thanks we get? 

I hate to generalise, and it is not fair to, because there are still many wonderful faithful men out there. My late father, and late grandfathers on both sides,  were all loyal to a fault. I guess we get who we get. I get the unfaithful or experimental ones. Lucky me.

Well I can probably blame me for being too busy, or not taking care of my image, or for not taking care of him BUT I will not do that. Some men stray no matter WHAT you do. I happen to attract those types. Or I just don't have the skills to take care of a husband. Some people can & some people cannot. I am likely the latter.

Today I am reminded of Umi's words. Mum says the unlikeliest things but sometimes it makes total sense. Her strategy, for this modern era: marry someone gorgeous, have some gorgeous looking children and when he leaves you have beautiful children. Well that strategy is not bad but may not work if you marry royalty (the father may keep the children) or a really wealthy guy (you may be pressured to give up custody). Umi added: well if he stays faithful then you're in luck. If not at least you have beautiful children. Well it's too late for me to try that out because I am no longer of child bearing age.

So my next plan is to just finish the PhD and move on with my life. I can achieve things without him. He had been a wonderful support, I don't deny that. I wouldn't have reached this far had I still been in my ex-husband's clutches. However it is time to move on. I have things to do and stuff to achieve. 

Sunday, February 25, 2024

Overthinking

A friend had asked us: why do people divorce?

I would say that there are various possible reasons.

It is not accurate to oversimplify, and we are different people at different ages, so there may be more than one way how a marriage may end in divorce.

One simple reason is "it was not meant to be". Like any relationship, even when you were dating. If the person is not the one for you, it will not happen i.e. marriage is not in your horizon.

Another famous reason, popularised by Americans and Hollywood actors who don't care to elaborate is "irreconcilable differences". 2 short words but speaks volumes. They do not want the same things anymore, so it is for the best that they're going separate ways.

For me, I didn't want to share him (ex-hubby) with others. Some may call me selfish. Well I don't "own" him, he is his own person. However it kills me inside thinking he is with someone else in an intimate way, if he is still married to me. It is just too weird and goes against my core belief. I cannot trust a person who went behind my back & found someone else to love. Yes in Islam he can marry more than one, and I acknowledge it. But I do not have to be in that transaction. He can have all the women he wants, but I will not be one of his collection. Not when he treated me terribly and puts me down and gets crazy jealous YET expects me to give my all. It is just an unfair exchange. I do not want to be at the receiving end of a fresh relationship that is new and exciting. He comes home to me and feels "meh". Count me out, thank you very much. That bothered me. The choice to separate/ divorce  was not easy but necessary, because I don't want to be tortured with unnecessary thoughts. 

If current hubby does that thing, like ex-hubby then I am out too. Not going to be a bystander as this whole thing unfolds. It's a bad vibe, such a negative energy. To be thinking about it. Or not thinking about it, or trying to be cool about it. I just cannot handle this uncertainty. I can easily walk out & have a clean break. Because I don't need nonsense in my life. I will not sacrifice and give myself to a  chauvinistic relationship. I am a person and I am doing my best. Love me and take care of me. If you cannot handle it, I can easily leave. I can take care of myself.

As usual, when I do speak to this friend of ours, I must remember to not make it about me. Like this entry. I must assist him. If it is merely a communication issue, it is best that he works it out with his wife. The sad part is the children, because some wives are unreasonable and may not let him see the children. And the housing and living arrangements. And being comfortable alone, after so many years with family. Well actually as I advise him I may have to advise myself too. To take my best foot forward. One day at a time & soon I will be okay. such is life. We get disappointed, we learn and we move on. Not everything is cut and dry, but for me cut and dry and even absolutes are the easiest way to explain things. I may not understand if he says he loves me and says the same to one or two or three others. It's just too much for me to fathom. 

Yes the heart has the capacity to love a LOT of people, but how I wish that that love may be expressed without hurting others. Having more friends may not hurt existing friends, because you make friends at work, and in social events. And you make time for all of them. Friends don't require as much time as wives or husbands, so the time demand is not constant. And in a ways friends are not invested that much in us, as much as husbands or wives are.

Why would he want someone else: maybe he wants attention? So I have a lot of weaknesses. So does he. So I am stubborn sometimes. Well he knew who I was from the beginning. This is me. He agreed to take me as I am.

I am just too tired to be frank. He can do whatever he wants. If he doesn't explain his situation well when he gets back from Jakarta, I am out of here! If this one ends I will not be married ever again except perhaps if he is an 80 year old billionaire. Or ever. That is the better choice. Life is too short and I do not want to spend it with idiots.

Publication

Just want to park this here, for future publication plans: 

https://authorspublish.com/50-specialized-manuscript-publishers-that-accept-direct-submissions/

My personal favourite publisher is Penguin. I got acquainted with them when I was a young girl, looking for cheap books to read. Their classics are affordable and provided me access to the wonderful world of reading. 

From the Penguin website: 

Penguin Books was originally founded in the UK in 1935 by Allen Lane, who envisioned a collection of quality, attractive books affordable enough to be β€œbought as easily and casually as a packet of cigarettes.”

They have stayed true to their words. Even in Malaysia, where books are expensive, they were able to sell each unit for RM10. Other international books are priced RM40 (barely) and mostly RM80 upwards.

One day I will publish with them, mark my words.

Why not tell the truth?

Sometimes I wish that men, especially after 40, will stop thinking with their dicks.

OF COURSE you will eventually get bored of your wife after being together for so long.

(You think she is not equally, if not more bored to death with you???)

OF COURSE there are younger fresher looking girls out there. At the office, at the gold courses, at the restaurants, literally where ever you go.

(You think you wife doesn't get tempted too??? You think your wife wasn't young once???)

OF COURSE your wife is stubborn & does not listen to you & is too busy taking care of the children or doing her work or is always sloppily dressed at home.

(Did you ever help her with housework, or childcare, or cooking, or cleaning, or her work??? Did you ever give a reason, or the chance to dress up and look good??? And the money she earns from work, is she not helping you too with household expenses???)


Well this last argument goes to the men, because Muslim men may marry up to 4 with a proviso; emphasis is mine

From the Quran, Surah An-Nisa: 3

If you fear that you might not treat the orphans justly, then marry the women that seem good to you: two, or three, or four.1 If you fear that you will not be able to treat them justly, then marry (only) one,2 or marry from among those whom your right hands possess.3 This will make it more likely that you will avoid injustice.

β€” Tafheem-ul-Quran - Abul Ala Maududi



So, what is the point of hiding and cheating and being a jerk?

Why not marry in Malaysia properly, if it is a right & you have strong and full belief that you will be fair to all your wives? Your wife will find out eventually. She has been honest and faithful, and took care of her dignity. They should not be lied to. Ever.

And to the other women, stop hurting your own kind. 

There are many other men to choose from, please do some homework & try again.

We stand stronger together, not against each other.

Don't ever sell yourselves short, and don't grab other people's husbands either. The woman on the other side (and his children, if any) are REAL persons with feelings. She is/ They are not collateral damage. Damn the husbands who do not obey the oath they made to Allah during marriage. How dare you take on another bloody wife when you cannot take care of the loyal one you already have. Shame on you.

Bloodshed in Gaza

The war (and genocide) has been ongoing since 7 October 2023.

What started as a retaliation has taken an ugly turn, with no end in sight.

In Gaza lots of people have died, many buildings and infrastructures were completely destroyed.

When a community has been endlessly oppressed, one day they may just rise up.

Humble Beginnings

I have utmost respect for this Cambodian beauty queen who returned home to her village after winning her Mrs International Ambassador crown. She put the sash and crown on her mum and took a photo with her, smiling all the way. What struck me was how simple the house was, filled with clothes in disarray. She did not disguise and took photos of certain corners of the house. Some others would do a separate photo shoot in a hotel room or suite. Not her. She told us "this is who I am", and I find the photos very sweet. 

She had made a simple speech/ interview, and I quote

β€œOnly one word, thank you and thank you for all the mistakes, this is a dream that I used to dream, now I see, but I’m sorry, I still do not hope.

For those who have never imagined, it feels different.”

A humble person, very grounded.

And I suspect she may get flak from the "upper class" for embracing her roots.

To hell with them. She is as real as anybody can be. 

My kind of gal. 5-star through and through!

Irretrievably Broken Down Relationship and not Allowed to Leave

Excerpts:

"He married in 1963 but said his relationship had broken down in 1984."

"β€œThe institution of marriage is still considered to be a pious, spiritual, and invaluable emotional life-net between the husband and the wife in Indian society,” said the court’s judgement."

21 years is an awful long time to be trapped inside a loveless marriage. 

They were not allowed to leave the marriage, because this is a holy institution (says the judge).

Based on the facts both parties remained loyal to the other, perhaps (and I speculate) because society demands it & divorce is simply taboo and unheard of.

I wonder if the judges had their hands tied too? Precedents, and traditions. Those together makes a potent combination. And the poor souls have to contend with matrimony till the end. What a way to live.

Why not let them divorce and be at peace with it? They would be better off I believe, and move on to bigger and wonderfuler things. Their children deserves to have happy parents, and the parents deserved having separate lives unshackled by the heavy chains of 'tradition' and 'social expectations'. 

If divorce had been taboo here in Malaysia, we may be in a lot of trouble.

Many of us got out because the law protected us and allowed divorce. Why stay married when there is abuse, physical and emotional? Why stay in a marriage when there is neglect? Why stay and suffer in pain and silence? Why be in an imbalanced relationship where we women do not get protection and expected do everything for the man? The look of the subservient woman who serves her man to death is no longer cool. Many of us are as (if not more) educated than our man. Many earn and work as hard  as (if not more than) men. Can we not expect this minimum protection: against abuse, infidelity, unfair treatment and/ or careless caretaking? 

Now back to the guy in India. He appeared to be a good man. Does his duties. Takes care of his wife and children. However the fire had died.

If I were the judge I would probably award them an all paid re-honeymoon trip, and some sessions with the marriage counselor to spice things up. A lifetime is too long to be unhappy. 

Innovation

India's Story of Innovation is anything but inspiring.

They begin with necessities and what needed to be done now, giving rise to frugal innovation.

They make use of their vast network; their people & ideas; and connect with potential collaborators & funders, such as via the Honey Bee Network.

However it is not without setbacks. Success may be within grasp, but every little push in the right direction may help. Such was the story of Anand Kumar's Super 30, which has been made into a movie.


Nostalgia

Last night I joined my A-Levels reunion. 
As the photos flashed on the screen we remembered how young we used to be.
And how carefree life was then, before the responsibilities.

Teens after high school, we learnt with and from each other.

Some of us have passed on, Al-Fatihah and prayers to them.
May they be at peace in the Land of the Eternal.

Some were generous enough to sponsor various items.
It was great to see everyone in wonderful health and spirits.
Had caught up with a number of them, 
some of us I remembered their faces but did not recall their names.
And I was not that popular anyways for people to remember #realitycheck

We had used so many nicknames then & just realised that we had many "Zul"s in the batch.
However they were called other names during A-Levels,
and we never bothered to ask their real names πŸ˜‚

If this research is to be believed, I probably have added 10 more years to my life!









Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Income Generation

I am currently overdrawn and looking for alternative sources of income to pay off the outstanding sum. Not that much, about 2 months salary. If I have to I can pay it off (and not eat for 2 months

This man's side hustle making pets' headstones. Which is a smashing idea, come to think of it.

There are tonnes of ideas, one of mine is to start a canva account & sell templates. For teaching, training & exercises which comes with sticker/ brownie points.

I could also start online courses & get paid every time someone registers for it.

Another friend of mine became a 'ghost writer' for articles & thesis. Pays well too.

My husband says get on with it already. Whatever it is. I am too good in talking & not much action.

That, my man, is correct.


What's next?

Currently facing a career crossroad.

What do I do next?

Not teaching for long, based on the student quality that we're getting. And chatgpt. I don't blame chatgpt. Students use it, because it's there. I blame the students for not using their brains.

How do I teach when I end up angry like that?

This teaching job, although satisfying at certain moments, do not earn much & do not learn much.

I learnt lots about students and human behaviour, but I have lost a lot of learning opportunity in the industry. In practice, I would learn more in a year than years in education. Which is normal & the trend anyways, otherwise where would the saying "Those who don't do, teach" come from?

Saw on the websites of Harvard & MIT that they're welcoming post-doc candidate. Maybe I should go for that. Learn more, why not. I do love learning anyways. Hiring me probably ticks a couple of the DEI checkboxes: Asian; Age; Female; Developing Country origin; Mother. Why not? I probably could do some convincing. They may just let me in πŸ˜‰

Change is needed. And I feel that it needs to happen now, or soon. Because I am dying inside.

Is this a Trap?

Of late I tend to be more wary of students who ask me to "check their work".

I would go as far to say that sometimes the whole thing is a loaded gun.

You check & they expect "A" or high marks when you check.
You check & comment; they update their work, and keep asking you to check for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th , 6th time, AND expect and "A" (when you ended up doing their work by multiple checks)
You check & tell them that the checking is merely to ensure pass, and they tell you "then what's the point of finishing it early and asking you to check?"
You check & may overlook one point (that you pointed out to another student)
You check & help them, and they get good marks, and say this is all their effort (almost always)
You check & allocate time & they are ungrateful

I should probably go with my friend's style, no checking services.
She checks thoroughly after they submit.
She will only answer questions related to the assignment, but NO CHECKING POLICY for her.

I should probably do that.
For my sanity.

Thursday, February 01, 2024

Thai's Moral Principle Project

This video originated from Thailand, captioned as part of their Moral Principle project.

Created 9 years ago, it popped up again close to the Thai elections & was circulated on social media.

Thai adverts are known to be funny/ witty and this one is no exception.

It emphasised the importance of responsible leaders.

Made me think about my own leaders at the office and of the country.

People become leaders for different reasons, and there are all sorts of leaders.

For me, I need my leaders to be responsible and ethical, and in it for the right reasons.

Otherwise, we may just be headed for ruins.


Zaman ini Zaman Fitnah (This is the Age of Slander)

A man sent a viral message that he had to pay more than RM10 when he asked for extra packets of sauce in McDonalds. He shared a screenshot of the receipt in his posting, and this piece of news blew up amongst Malaysian netizens keyboard warriors.

McDonalds responded by sharing a recording of their CCTV of the man acting badly by scolding their staff and INSISTING that they issue and print a receipt for the sauce packets. Indeed this social media era is full of slander. My wish is for more good people of social media, to correct this imbalance. To put it mildly, we have too many idiots online.

So before you believe anything on the Internet, please do your due diligence.

You never know what antics some people get into, especially in this social media error.

Too much free time + (shady) viral messages & videos + Malaysian keyboard warriors = IDIOCY

Disinterest

Apparently in nature, certain species of female frogs fake death to avoid sexual advances.

This is interesting... because sex, although primal and necessary in some cases, can be a distraction in other cases. I wonder what better things these frogs had to do πŸ˜‚


You cannot be Everything to Everybody

This a personal and heartfelt message to mothers | career ladies | students and girls everywhere.

Always love yourself. Keep yourself in high regard because nobody else will.

Don't spread yourself out too thin. Value what you do.

Do your best, but don't beat yourself up too much if things do not work out. Despite our best efforts, some things are just not meant to be. Learn from it and move on. Go on to do better and bigger things. 

Why? Why NOT!

Take care of your health. It is more valuable than any treasures of the earth.

Never let any man make you feel like a lesser person. We are enough.


Choked

This piece of news reminded me of the Netflix movie "Choked", about an opportunist (or a survivor) who took advantage of a similar event in India, when their government discontinued the RS500 and RS1000 notes purportedly for crime prevention.

When one thing happens, one or more of other things unravel.

The other day my youngest daughter asked about "the butterfly effect". 

When the wings of a butterfly flapped in one corner of the earth, at another corner mass lives are lost.

If you like this concept, consider watching Babel. Pretty interesting.

How Movies Normalise Things

Last night hubby and I watched Ranbir & Anil Kapoor's Animal.

It's the typical Indian movie fare: about the eldest son of the richest man in India who goes out of his way to protect his father (and his sisters), fighting hundreds of men with his bare hands & deployed the biggest gattling gun ever made (in India, no less).

Cut to the scene when he received a heart from a donor & fell in love (or lust) with the donor's fiancee, and eventually got involved in bedroom antics with her. IRONICALLY he had berated his cousins for employing escort services during their months away from their wives YET he keeps this woman in a secret location for his trysts. WTF. He acted holier than thou but is the devil himself. I suppose there'll be follow up scenes later on where he justified that his (new) heart beats for the fiancee, it is not his fault that it did because the heart did not belong to him but to her, the heart wants what it wants bla bla blaaaa... but I did not wait to see all that shit.

Hubby got upset because I accidentally turned off the TV. I just wanted to fast forward to the next scene but inherently turned the TV off (maybe my finger pressed the button that my heart wanted to press?) & said it was a stupid thing to be upset. 

Looks like I still get triggered with such scenes of extramarital affairs and infidelity. Men will be men, many claim its their right to exert power/ control over the wife and for Muslims, to marry more than 1. So be it. This morning I told hubby if ever he gets into such position, just give me a 30-day notice and I will be out of his life. We'll take it like an employment contract. EVERYBODY is dispensable. If things don't work out with hubby I will not remarry an Asian. Ever. Too many of our men are wired in chauvinism. If not him, it is his father or friend or worst, mothers and sisters. I just can't win. I had a friend whose father in law asked her husband to marry another woman because she cannot bear him a child. So blatantly was that said. To her face. Saying that she flipped was an understatement.

So with movies like Animal, it just doesn't help. Same with movies that glorify hedonism, or crime, or bad behaviour in general. Bringing the issues to the forefront is good, it makes people think. However glamorising them and saying that it's okay is JUST NOT COOL.