Dumbstruck

Feeling sad about this whole business. Yet I have to move forward. I can't rely on men, can I? Unless they're on paid service then they're reliable.

How do some people get so lucky? Maybe because they believe it. I should have the same belief shouldn't I? Let's just try that, no harm.

I believe:
... that there is someone kind who will appear in my future & we will love each other in the right way
... that my children will turn out well-adjusted and successful
... that I will have my bungalow in the suburbs
... that I will have my BMW X5 in the garage
... that I will have enough money for my travels
... that I will be a good mother to my children
... that my children will love each other
... that things will work out well for Mr Ex, N & S; may they find happiness in other people who is not me
... that I will school my children using money set aside from my salary
... that I will have a source of income that is halal
... that overall I am a good Muslim

Love you lots. These things are temporary so look forward & be happy. May he find happiness in his future. I am too complex a creature to be loved.

The End of An Affair

Well it wasn't an affair because he's single... and it's not the end because we remain friends. Let it be. This is very clear and certain. We are friends. No further expectations.

I don't know why every time I break up, I have an almost desperate urge for the person to reconnect with me. Just move on. Even if we had remained in a relationship there is no telling how far we would have gone.

We work very well together... and that's the extent of our relationship from now on. There's a dynamic which is interesting- we complement each other. Let's just maintain that because I have let go. I am quite distraught. In actual fact I have been crying since last night & my eyes are swollen... but whatever, right?

This is IT

Let's not do this anymore.
The waiting and longing is killing me, and you don't feel the same.
Or you're just acting like this is nothing (it probably is).
You don't seem like you want this.
Neither do I.

So...

What are we waiting for?
For someone better to come along?
And then tell the other, by the way this is not working out?
Is that what we're doing?
What ARE we doing?

I'm really sorry for dramatising.
It is my middle name, surname Queen.

Let's just be friends, shall we?

Me Myself & I

Trying to embrace this state (of loneliness). I still rebel. Most likely I will get rid of more things from the house. It'll be easier to clean. We will be forced to maintain the barest minimum.

So what if the house is sparse. So what? I don't want dust hiding in the corners nook & crannies. I'm soooo tired of the mess. This weekend will be a major cleanup job. Sweep & dust & mop. Clean the toilets. Please give me the mental strength to do it all!!!!!

Suspended Judgement

Nowadays I have decided not to label @ judge anyone. Who am I to say who is a bigger or a lesser person? The Creator is the only entity who can judge anyone anytime. So I'll just be myself & live my life.

Riz keeps a dog yet he studies the Quran and understands its meanings, perhaps more than I do. He mentioned during lunch that every living being is created by Allah for a purpose. No one insect or animal or being is created redundant or unnecessary. Each has a purpose. So love all creatures in His Kingdom.

There are girls who do not cover themselves up yet pray 5 times a day with devotion. Speaks & thinks well about everybody. Does their best in their work and words spoken. Is she lesser than someone who is fully covered?

There are those who try everything except doing crime. Women, alcohol, clubs.. the whole package. And when a life changing event happens, well.. they change.

Who am I to say who's more favoured by Allah & who's not? I'd rather not encroach into unknown territory. Will stick to what I know & continue to love my friends. May we be blessed always.

Jumping with No Parachutes

Now my question is: Do I want to do it all over again?

Advice by a good friend who went through divorce many years ago: When you're okay with being alone, that's when you're ready to be in a relationship.

What an interesting irony. I am not comfortable being alone. Ergo I am not ready to be with someone. The someone who can potentially cure my loneliness. I guess it doesn't work that way. I have to first be okay in my own skin before I seek out anyone to be a companion.

Otherwise it would just be like a rebound yeah?

16 years. A bloody awfully long time to be in a relationship. One that I thought was loving & trusting but it turned out to be just a facade. How do I move on? How do I break free? I would have to try. One day I'll get it. One day I can & will love again.

Purnama Merindu

Directly translated to English this means The Longing of the Moon (I suppose). Sung by our local singer (Dato') Siti Nurhaliza. 

The Malay language is beautiful and has this 'hidden message' thingie down to pat. In simple words the song is about a girl who misses a boy & towards the end she hints of marriage (i.e. put a ring on it). However the wordings are really subtle and classy and tactful.. and it some cases when it comes to literal persons like me, we'll miss it completely.

The excerpts- just had to share these because the lyrics are simply beautiful.. plus this song was ringing in my head this morning. When I found it on YouTube, I realised that I had not understood fully its meaning until today:

Aku meminta pada yang ada
Aku merindu pada yang kasih
Aku merayu padamu yang sudi merinduku

It may not be apt if I do a direct translation, but simply it means something along the lines of "I pine for you, and hope for a reciprocal emotion" (such an unromantic translation!!!).

Hiaskanlah cinta di jari manisku
Sinarkan bagai gemerlap kencana
Tandakanlah kasih dimercu kalbu
Serikanlah purnama yang merindu

This last bit of song basically 'nudges' the guy to give her a ring i.e. propose.. and to make the longing moon (i. e. the girl) glow.

My apologies as I may have not done the song justice... but simply had to share these beautiful words.

P/S: Dear S, are you as literal as me?

Life's Many Blessings

A moment of reprieve.. before the day starts for me.. 0830 hrs.. the little ones have been sent to daycare, I have around 15-20 mins to just say hi to my friends via social media.. after this I will jump and get ready for work.

Feeling blessed for my health, for my beautiful & wonderful children, for having a roof over my head, for having support and love from people around me. My life is enriched by multiple times.

What's next? Construction is still ongoing but I'll be sure to build a strong foundation this time. Use what I have. Be who I want to be (which is...???). No complete answers yet to life's many questions, but will keep looking.

I Love Me.

Love is..

... probably the most complicated thing ever invented..

If I feel like I love someone and misses him.. but I'm not ready to commit beyond a strictly dating policy, does that make me a bad person?

Trying yo ask myself & ascertain the position: what/ who do I really want?

When I find the answer I will seek the person & let him know. Till then, live your life my lovely girl!!!

Reptile Extermination

Probably the hot season has brought out the reptiles from their hiding grounds. The other day a neighbour ran over a snake.. and yesterday we found a lizard hiding in the fridge.. and our resident stray cat killed a baby monitor lizard.

Because I am squeamish through & through, I asked my second son to handle these cases. His elder brother is away at college & No. 2 said "I suppose I must do this because I'm the only man in the house". He's also a bit squeamish, but a little less than me, so he did the job (BLESS HIM!!!).

So perhaps this is the other area for which I need a man. To get rid of the pests. I don't do reptiles or rodents. Roaches & mosquitoes I can manage. I've touched a snake before, but I won't be able to handle a snake from the wild.

Tonight I will go & buy the organic pest repellent thingie. Hope it works.

How Do You Know?

How do you know if someone is The One for you? You don't, right? Not completely. You may have some instincts or intuition about someone.. or you may be able to form an opinion based on a series of events/ occurrences.. but you won't know for sure until you actually marry that person & uncover the truth. Even THEN you won't know for sure for sure.. until something like divorce.. or death.. happens.. and in some cases you never will know anything because he takes his secret to the grave.

Does it matter? Must I know everything about everything? Can't I just take the person as he is? As long as he is not an axe-wielding serial killer, it's all reasonably good.. right?

My issue now is probably I'm not ready to commit.. or settle down.. or get involved romantically with anyone. It is too traumatic and uncertain.. and subject to many different permutations. Whatever possessed me to get married in the first place, yeah? It was a completely nutty out-of-my-mind decision.. but we did have a few years of happiness before the boredom sank in & he ventured on to greener pastures.

Let's hypothesise.. say S asks for my hand in marriage when he comes back from his trip.. will I say yes? I would probably freeze and not have an answer. Or my lawyer training will kick in & I will negotiate the terms of marriage right then and there.. before deciding to say yes. Do I love him? Maybe I do. Can I live without him? Sure. Do I want to come home to him? I don't mind it actually. What do I love about him? His patience. His humour. The way he looks at life. The way he kissed my forehead. I get tingles.

Big picture: do I want to marry him? Be his wife and companion for the rest of his life? This is the tricky part: because my answer is "I don't know". And I think he knows this. Uncannily enough with him I can't be the stubborn girl as I always was. Because if I don't listen to him something major will happen & one time I actually had to ask him to bail me out. The holiday to Langkawi- he had told me to take the flight home. I took the bus bcoz I want to see the view & when I arrived the train service had ended & I called to ask him to pick me up. He did & did not berate me or anything. Never in my life had I felt so guilty. Maybe this is what I need the most. His patience.

Vested Interest

Scorpios are probably the most difficult people to figure out when it comes to relationships. In my case I don't know what I want yet. So there's no way of figuring me out, until I decide what it is I want.

How nice if we could remain close without the jealousy. Maybe from past experience I will tend to take off at the slightest indication @ insinuation that he's interested in somebody else. And the fact that no one knows about our relationship.. and that he refuses to declare anything about us, puts me in a very insecure position. So do we have a relationship.. or not? (I might still be asking this same question one year from now, for all I know).

Men want a woman who can hang out with his boys & be his companion. Someone he can talk to. What am I to him? Just someone he misses & ask out when he remembers to? It feels like that. He probably will not ever ask me to marry him actually. So why am I still hanging around? Do I want to open myself to more heartbreak?

Ms Independent

There's a Ne-Yo song that went like this "She's got her own thing, that's why I love her.."

Basically it's about women who are independent & self-assured and how he loves a particular woman of that calibre.

Truth be told though, can men handle completely independent women?

Asian men have authority issues. No can do. They  only say they love independent women (Mr Ex used to say & praise me a lot for my independence).. BUT in the deepest part of his being he actually wanted a domesticated subservient compliant approval-seeking wife. Which I'm not, by any stretch of the imagination.

So I kinda have figured out something here. Be independent but don't appear too capable if you're married to an Asian man. Ask for help & let him feel that he has done something great, even if you can change the bulb or fix the car yourself. Well I still need a man to do both things, even if I've figured out how to change the bulb. Still don't know how to fix a car & won't likely learn anytime soon. I can do other things myself, except fix a house. Perhaps that's the other thing I'll need a man for.

On the other hand, what if the man gives me complete rein? Does he love me? Or do we just have a companionship rule: be there when I'm needed only, other than that I'm on my own. Is that a relationship? Just a relationship maybe, like the one you have with friends or casual acquaintances or someone you date just because you like her smile. Right?

Another thing I have figured out is.. I won't change for any man anymore. If he wants in, then he will have to take my package & excess baggage. Lock stock & barrel. I've become completely unattractive to men when we unveil the canvas. And I do not give a hoot. So be it. Anyone who can stand me deserves a gold medal. At least for trying I would give all of them silver medals: Mr Ex, N & S.
Read more »

Play on My Team

At the end of the day the best person you can rely on is yourself. Literally for everything. Except perhaps sex. Haha. Even that can be arranged if need be.

Anyway my point is more related to spiritual healing. Happiness is not dependent on others. It is within me. I am a beautiful happy strong person. That's the person who is staring back at me in the mirror every single day. So it doesn't matter if the world doesn't revolve around me.. or that people don't ask me out.. or I am not included in certain events.. It is all okay. I am fine. Unscathed. Well a little hurt.. that comes with the territory.. of getting older & more sensitive & unnecessarily sulking at the littlest things.. but in the large scheme of things I'm alright. I've got to be, because I have people to take care of. I love them and I will do my best for them. Even on days when I feel like I just want to cry & sleep all day. I can't have that luxury because they have to eat.

Which probably brings me to the next point. Having children or anybody to take care of for that matter, makes you take the focus away from your troubles (albeit for a little while) as your attention is required on bigger more important things. That's accountability I guess. Welcome to the real world, my girl. Embrace all these events & feelings and let them change you for the better. Love you LOTS.

Our Songs

These songs represent me during the times of being in love with different people.. but of course I will not reveal the person(s) represented in the songs.. where's the fun in that..

1 - Just the Way You Are- Bruno Mars
2 - Mirrors- Justin Timberlake
3 - Daylight- Maroon 5
4 - Heartbeat Song- Kelly Clarkson
5 - How Long Will I Love You- Ellie Goulding
6 - Wake Up- The Vamps
7 - Sound of Your Heart- Shawn Hook
8 - Young and Beautiful- Lana Del Rey
9 - Sayang- Shae
10- Nothing but the Radio On- Dave Koz
11- Dangerous- David Guetta
12- Photograph- Ed Sheeran
13- Like a Drum- Guy Sebastian
14- Too Close- Alex Clare
15- Rather Be- Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne

16- Masihkah Kau Ingat- Kopratasa

17- Symphony- Clean Bandit feat. Zara Larsson

18- Wildest Dreams- Taylor Swift

19- Our Song- Matchbox 20

20- Gerimis Mengundang- Slam

AND THESE ARE MY POWER BREAK-UP & GET-OVER-EM SONGS

1 - So What- Pink
2 - Skyscraper- Demi Lovato
3 - That's the Way It Is- Celine Dion
4 - Fight Song- Rachel Platten
5 - Titanium- David Guetta feat. Sia
6 - Set Fire to the Rain- Adele
7 - The Sun is Rising- Britt Nichols
8 - Fighter- Christina Aguilera
9 - Brave- Sara Bareilles
10- Wide Awake- Katy Perry
11- Best Thing I Never Had- Beyonce
12- Not Afraid- Eminem
13 -Over and Over- Puff Johnson
14- You Don't Own Me- Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn & Diane Keaton
15- Cannonball- Lea Michelle
16- Let it Go (Frozen OST)
17- Laskar Pelangi- Nidji
18- Melompat Lebih Tinggi- Sheila on 7
19- Girl on Fire- Alicia Keys
20- Sail- AWOL Nation

Labels

What am I to men?
How do I portray myself?
How do I carry myself?
Do I look like I should be taken seriously?
Do I want to be taken seriously?
Am I a capable person?

Well all these questions doesn't matter actually.

I am who I am.

People can think whatever they want to think.

I will not allow people's opinions rule my life in any way.

Knock Knock.. Who's There?

When you love someone.. I suppose you would think of that person day and night.. not when you have exhausted everyone in your contact list & no one else is available to be in your company. That is what S does with me.. but I am the dumbo who keeps falling for it.

Please stop being desperate. Stop waiting for something that would never happen. Stop speculating. Stop expecting anything from him. This is over & make sure it is completely over. Focus on work and the children and start writing your proposal.

Abort plan.

It felt right because I am lonely & would like to think that he cared. I am his friend & he cares for all his friends. He cares for me. (Do you see how OBVIOUS that line of thinking is?)

End of the line my girl. Get off the train already!!!

My Outlet

When I feel down I hit the gym & focus on my physique. Or just work out until I get so tired that I can no longer think. Maybe S is just not that into me, right? For him to ask everybody else for dinner but me.. did he just forget or maybe he didn't want me there or he just didn't want to impose nightly outings on me?

Just now when I surfed on YouTube, I had chanced across a video on break-up songs. How they were inspired and such. The song "Someone Like You" by Adele was apparently the result of an ex who had asked someone else to marry him. She had mentioned that "he didn't see me that way (i.e. marriageable) and that was the worst feeling ever".

S does not see me as marriageable perhaps? Too much baggage. I want a good wet cry right about now, thank you very much! Why do I get so hung up on him anyways. You're so much better than him in more than one way. Please see that value in you my dear lovely girl! Let's move forward and pin this 'relationship' on the wall. Putting me in a box.. to look at only when he feels like it.. is so very reminiscent of my relationship with Mr Ex. To the point that he eventually forgot the box altogether.

OH WELLLLLLL... you're a grown woman & you can deal with this. Such a small petty matter. Grow up & move on.

Responsibility

My general advice to my children would be.. when you marry, just have one child. Maximum of two, so that the eldest child won't be lonely. That's it.. two tops. Or stay single all your life if you want to. Don't get married ever.

If they're worried about the cost of contraceptives, I will pay for it. An IUS would cost RM1000 for 5 years' usage, compared to RM500k-1mil to raise one child till employable age (and that is the most modest estimate, to say the least).

Why  did I ever agree to this big family nonsense anyways. Mr Ex must have been very persuasive and I very dumb and gullible.

Now that I am here I will grit my teeth, dig my heels and do it all until the children reach employable age. Leaving them with Mr Ex would be a terrible idea, much worse than the idea of having them in the first place.

Why suddenly now he's set back financially? Why the bravado to have a second wife when he didn't have any bloody money in the first place? Maybe his income WAS better when he was married to me, who knows?

It is absolutely ridiculous that we're in this situation. I feel like I just want to sleep it all off but I can't.. because this is as real as it gets.. and this is the truth about my life & when I wake up reality will come trickling down & eventually hit me like it should.

Have You Changed?

A colleague asked yesterday.. he has known me from 2009 perhaps.. have you changed internally as well? Well he started by mentioning that many years ago I looked very different from how I look now. The previous look was the 'aunty' look.. like an older woman who has 5 children.. I embodied it externally with my limited choice of colours and baggy clothes (because I couldn't fit into the normal-sized ones) and overall 'aged' demeanour.

Now I look fresher, younger and brighter. Had lost 15kg that I had been carrying around for many years. Internally I remain the same person, only that I am embracing who I am more readily. I am a cheeky girl through & through. So I have evoked my inner cheekiness.

Essentially I was lucky to be blessed with great family members and a wonderful set of friends.. and they enabled me to grief & grow & stay out of trouble. Lucky to have a strong moral compass that guided me on the constructive way to handle a separation, after being in a long term relationship.

It's all good and fine and smashingly beautiful. I am alright & I've decided that I'll not let Mr Ex bring me down ever.

Happy for You

Having this state of mind now. For all my exes, I am glad we met & I have learnt a lot from you all. Thank you & I wish you all the best.

Who Do I Love?

In my heart of hearts, in an all-consuming kindred-spirit soul-mate type of love it is probably N. However no matter how right he is for me, he has found the right person for him (he married her and they're raising a beautiful family together) & it is heartbreaking for me to go through that situation. The overall outcome will not lead to my (our) happiness.

I love S in a calm, trusting, balanced sort of way. I love how his mind works & I respect him a lot, for what he has gone through. Basically he is a street-smart ass-kicking guy.. and as direct as hell. In that respect we are matched & we do not take offence. We can express ourselves & embrace each others' comments because we are similar in that way. We share the same star sign too, and it is said that for our star sign we would either love or loathe each other: S is the former.

Mr Ex, I had loved him in my younger days in a crazy fuel-driven high expectation way. We were physically attracted to each other and sexually we were completely compatible to say the least, however we did not change as we grew older. We became sullen and angry and bored of each other eventually.. and the story ended. No more love. Goodbye & perhaps good riddance. I do still feel a tinge of regret because we could have been great together if we had pushed forward & tried just a little bit harder & made some changes. Well now these don't matter anymore anyways. I'd rather start anew with someone else than uncover the smelly rotting compost of our past relationship.

Who should I marry? Am I ready? Does S want to settle down? The message I get is that he's willing to wait. So, do we wait? (for what?). Until then I will take care of myself & hope that the energy of the universe will come together to make this work.

The Sound of Silence

Getting used to it and embracing it as much as I can. For a person who's always chattering, this is not easy. Well tomorrow I'll have breakfast with S and he will have the privilege to hear me talk non-stop. As if I would. Actually with him I'm not terribly talkative. He doesn't really message me that much. When we see each other we do chat about various matters, he is quite the intellectual & when the topic is right we can talk for hours.

Whatever will I do with myself? I don't know. Keep quiet. Do I know how?

If we do get married it will be quite interesting. We sleep & wake up & have our meals at different times, he has so many activities and I probably have to be slot in somewhere in his schedule. Do I want that? Would this be worth it?

Right now we're going with the flow. What's next? I don't quite know. I ask him & myself the same thing, and the usual answer is we will just date for now & we'll see if we want to take this further. Ooookaaaayyy. If anyone proposes & I like him I'll probably put it to S, so he can make a choice. Until then, let's just BE.

Forget You

Last night I had a dream. I went on vacation somewhere & Mr Ex was there with a big family. They had trouble with hot water in their apartment so they used my bathroom. (You know how in dreams these thing don't get explained.. they just are like that).

At one point he used the bathroom with me & shared the toothpaste (again, just accept these as they are & don't judge).. the bathroom sharing felt completely normal & non-sexual in any way.. I joined them for dinner, there must have been maybe 20 of them.. very lively & talkative & doing 10 different things at a time.. At the dinner table Mr Ex kissed me & I was not involved in it. My mind went "how come this doesn't feel like before".. "what is my next vacation plan after tonight".. "how long must I share my bathroom with these people".. so I guess that means that there are no more feelings. Honestly I don't ever want to kiss Mr Ex ever again. Yecccchhhhh.

Can't wait for the 2 year mark honestly. I was teary-eyed for the whole of last week, possibly this is the LAST vestige of grief that I have to go through.. and after this I expect to be alright. I am more sure-footed now, compared to 2 years ago. No longer forlorn or feeling that I have to compete with Mr Ex (because I already won.. haha). I have met may other wonderful men (romantically or otherwise) and also women who are beautiful inside & out.. and I have had the opportunity to do the things that I have always wanted to do.. and I am enjoying my life as it is now. So let's continue to be fine & thrive. LOVE YOU LOTS!!!

Dummy Variable

It all started with a job interview question from Schlumberger: "If you're assigned to work in Angola & you just found a girlfriend who is Miss Malaysia 2015, what would you do?"

Some of the answers were:
- leave for Angola & aim for Miss Malaysia 2016
- bring the girlfriend along (or marry her & bring her along)
- leave her behind & pursue the career/financial gains
- stay because she is gorgeous
- don't know, it's a difficult decision to make
- girlfriends are dispensable, so go

Further discussions were:
- if you're newly married, would you bring wifey & kiddies along?
- what if you've been married a long time & suddenly offered Angola? (most men would be glad to go, I think)
- are girlfriends/boyfriends dispensable? (yes they are.. in fact so are first wives, in the eyes of some men)
- if marriage is long term, love will sustain it in the beginning but pity (maybe magnimity.. or mercy.. are perhaps better words) will sustain it in the long term (because you probably won't have the heart to leave someone who has 'sacrificed' for you)
- what sacrifices are we willing to make for the one we love?

My own question in the end was: what is love? Can't seem to define it the more I ask. What I know is.. love is caring for others, out of a sense of duty.. or borne out of selflessness.. some love I naturally feel for my mom & siblings & children because we're related by blood.. love for my students because I want them to reach their potential.. those kinds of love are clearly defined and achievable. Romantic love on the other hand is completely tricky and elusive so I won't even try for now.

S and I..we're doing this platonic supportive love relationship right now. Dunno what to call it. Enjoy each other's company, having someone to talk to. Giving the other person complete freedom & a free rein. Message each other occasionally. What's next? We're still trying to figure it out, actually. This 'relationship' is pinned on the wall for now. No matter what the outcome is I've decided that I'll be alright.

Modern Divorce

"Ours is a modern divorce"

My friend had asked: is there a difference (between a modern & traditional divorce)?

I guess so. Traditionally the man would take off & abandon the family for another woman. In the modern version the partners split on good terms & ex-husband takes responsibility of the children financially.

Mr Ex and I are on good terms. Not completely platonic between us because the elephant (the affair) remains in the room & we don't know what to do with it. He visits the children almost every weekend & supports them financially, which I totally appreciate. Sometimes I do an S.O.S. when I can't handle the children - he will talk to them, help me out. That's the extent of our relationship, as far as we're concerned.

Do I still love him? I don't want to, after what he has done. And I have known other kinds of men & a different kind of love post-divorce, so going back to him is akin to locking myself up in prison after tasting freedom. So there- there's my answer.

The little ones ask sometimes: why does mama & papa live separately (because we're divorced).. does papa love mama (maybe he did, once).. is mama angry with papa (no we're not angry with each other, we are friends)..

I suspect they'll keep asking these questions until about the age when they understand relationships (maybe 35 or 40.. haha) & I will keep answering these questions until the answers make sense to my girls.

My teens had asked in the beginning.. why do people do these things? Honest to God I don't know, but the rational neutral answer was.. well, sometimes things don't quite work out & you don't love a person anymore & you love other people.. that's why these things happen. That's my best guess.

Write Away

Just today I have had more than 2 blog entries. Why? Because I feel like writing. Because I have things on my chest that I needed to release. Because I feel the thoughts oozing from my mind and they need an outlet.

Honest be told I had a crush on HS.. haha.. purely a crush. Not doing anything about it except wishing him the best with his bride-to-be. I will continue my studies and live my life.

Feeling blessed to have met many wonderful people. Feeling positive that life will get better. Honestly don't see any husband in my future but it is completely fine. Having a husband is not a prerequisite to happiness. Being happy is the prerequisite to happiness. So I will.

*hugssssss*

I LOVE ME

WIDE AWAKE

A friend is planning to uninstall WhatsApp, as she feels that she spends too much time on it. Cold turkey or should she ease into it? No answer because the decision is hers to make.

I have had my share of overexposure as well on social media.. verbal diarrhoea.. too much information.. oversharing of my life events.. NO MORE. Will remain private for now onwards.

Yesterday night there was a piece of gossip. Somebody (let's call him HS) will be married this May. Apparently he once had a crush on somebody formerly from the same high school (she is AF). Well AF played hard-to-get.. to the point that HS got the message (perception, rather) that she is uninterested. Now that he is getting married in May she suddenly has a lot to say about his unsuitable choice of bride. Is there something that she can do now? Hijack the wedding plans perhaps?

My advice to her. Be a better woman and let go. You had your chance but did not pursue it. Like I once had multiple chances but chose Mr Ex to marry. (No rhyme or reason for it, just youth + dumb bravado + fiery burning hot love, so I will just resign myself to it & accept it as fate: it was meant to happen the way it was supposed to happen).

AF is reasonably good looking, has her own business, reasonably young & quite marriageable.. and I do believe she is not short of suitors. In fact I think S has a crush on her. They may have something going on & maybe he would like something more with her. Do I mind? The funny thing is I don't really mind. He can have her if he wants & I will wish both of them the best. I can hold my own thank you very much & I can probably play for someone better.

No wonder she goes off to Perth.. and is planning to climb Mt Kinabalu.. and is doing some behaviour indicative of a broken heart/ post-break up stages of grief. Whatever it is my girl, get through it. Be a great sport and unhand him. Find someone wonderful for yourself because this one was not meant to be. But then again, if she does the Julia Roberts My Best Friend's Wedding thingie with him. I won't judge her either. May the best woman win. In my case if S wants her & she wants him, I will let her win. I will emerge unscathed by all these minor petty incidences.

This is probably my conscious lucid mind doing the rational evaluation of the whole thing. I am a wonderful person & I will survive with my confidence + beauty + grace intact.

No Comparison

Live life. Everyone gets a different test paper so no point copying someone else & I should proceed with life in the most POSITIVE way possible.

There are at least 200 things to be grateful for & I have to keep going. So many lives depend on me.

May all the lonely hearts be healed & may your happiness be multiplied by many different kinds of love.

Message to N

Dear N,

I know now you probably don't feel like acknowledging my existence or even talking to me, but I only have happy news to share with you.

You'd be happy to know that now I cook & am feeding the children. Nothing fancy: the usual rice & protein & vege. Yesterday it took me nearly 3 hours to complete the cooking, inclusive of dishwashing and kitchen cleaning time. Your wife could probably do it all in 30 mins AND bake a red velvet dessert AND decorate the cake AND present the dishes in the most delightful way possible.

I have dropped out of the PTA committee and is staying at home most of the time. Which is good and relaxing, not to have meetings or think of any particular project to handle. I am also phasing out my involvement with the alumni group & the 2016 Family Day will be the last project I support, before I immerse myself in my studies which will start in May 2016. After May I would probably disappear and resurface sometime in 2020, when Malaysia gains the 'developed' nation status.

The children are doing well. Facing some challenge with raising teens, which you may not likely face because your girls are perfect & marriageable & all that. Good for them & good for you because they have a good functional mother who stays at home. I don't have that luxury I'm afraid & I will play the hand I'm dealt the best way that I can.

I know I'm not living my life in the way that you see I should, but rest assured me & the children are making progress. I will make the decisions and I will move forward and I will take responsibility for the outcome. We are not in the lap of luxury (of money or time or sometimes comfort) but we will make do, because this is our life and we will own & embrace it completely.

Hope that you're doing fantastic with your loved ones & the beautiful life you have designed. I know you feel lonely and isolated when you're working, but the returns far compensate your sacrifice and your family appreciates you all the more for it.. and you & your wife will live happily ever after. So there.

Do take care of yourself & have fun in all that you do. I hope you find the people who will enrich your life in many different ways.

xoxox

Hands Off

Some things are just not meant to be. I'm not sure if this is my 6th sense or what-have-you.. but I had a feeling that Mr Ex and I will not go beyond a certain stage, because at one point I literally could not see the way forward no matter how many options I opened up.

N.. well what can I say.. he is the perfect person at the most imperfect moment. Again it is another story for which I do not see beyond blackness. Well I introduced some permutations that could make the relationship workable: but no matter what the variable is, it seems that the one who will end up severely crushed would be me. No can do.

S.. have I gotten better at this, or do I actually see @ feel it? He may not be the person for me either. What do I do? Maintain status quo I suppose, because he is not pushing for marriage. He is a sweet person, kind-hearted & funny.. but the big question is: is he for me & me for him? There doesn't seem to be a resounding "yes" at the end of that question.

My heart is properly guarded now. Who will heal it permanently? I have no idea. N helped the healing.. so did S. Both have their own qualities that made them special individuals in my heart. Let the upcoming episodes be written...!

The Revenant

According to the definition (courtesy of Google), the revenant refers to someone who has returned supposedly from the dead.

Saw the movie, thought Leo was more intense in Blood Diamond.. (some say Wolf of Walf Street, but I haven't watched it yet).. and ironically he got an Oscar for speaking less than he usually does.

Anyway, I like the (Native) Indian quotes.. such as "The storm can sway the tree but if its roots are strong it won't be blown away".. and "Revenge is in the hands of God, not in ours".. and the scenes were pretty accurate i.e. about the abuse of women in the outpost & how the teepees were put outside the heavily guarded fortress. Bisons were also found aplenty during that period, before they're hunted down almost to extinction.

I sure am glad I'm not living in 1875 & subjected to the elements.

In the daytime I finished reading Kabul Beauty School & it struck me how blessed I am to be a woman in Malaysia with progressive & educated parents.. well they're still Asian parents who expected the kids to study the usual 4 majors (Law, Meds, Accounting or Engineering) but at least I get a choice: one out of four. I didn't have to be married off for dowry at 15 and I sure as hell didn't have to remain married to an abusive husband.

What has today taught me? To be myself. Be firm and steadfast and unwavering. The person who will be willing to love me.. he will totally be worth it. I promise.

Maybe.. just maybe

Maybe he's resting & recovering, that's why he's not replying to my messages?

Maybe he's just not in the mood to dissect my emotions?

Maybe he knows (feels) that I'm not nearly ready to jump into a relationship?

Maybe he is in no kind of hurry.. for a relationship.. or a companion.. never mind marriage?

Maybe he is terribly busy?

Maybe this is just another experience/ moment with him?

Maybe I am just another person he's considering @ shortlisting?

Maybe he feels nothing? Well maybe something, but not significant enough to make a life change for?

Maybe I should just give him a break?

Maybe I should leave him alone? Until the moment he decides what he wants with me.

How does anybody survive this uncertainty?

Maybe I should just be happy in my own company & wish him the best.

Maybe one day I will meet that person and we will make each other happy :-)

Life by Choice @ Life by Design?

Is our life story predetermined completely... or do we still have some choice in steering our ship? Will the rifts in the universe be caused if we had made different choices.. or rather.. would somebody else's choices be affected by our own choices & outcomes?

Maybe. I suppose so. It seems like a reasonable theory. I don't know for sure, as this would involve so many permutations & lead to different conclusions. Do we let life take its course, or do we push forward towards a certain ending which we prefer?

Say, if Mr Ex and I didn't marry, what would we have done? Would we marry someone else or stay single? If I had met N in my younger days, would we bond? Would he have proposed & would he have been as successful as he is now if I were his wife? I really haven't the faintest idea.

People tend to say (about the one that got away) e.g. that I should have been his/ her partner & enjoy the success with him/ her.. but then that begs the question: with you, would he/ she be successful? What if N will end up like Mr Ex if he had married me? Would I have become a fulltime homemaker with 10 children? I really don't know.

However I do believe that the people whom we meet have been sent to us for one reason or the other. I will accept this much.

Other than that I believe that life happened in a certain way for me to learn from. Aishah came into the picture for a reason. We divorced for a reason- perhaps it was fated.. that I responded harshly & asked for divorce.. that Mr Ex was so willing to let me go.. and they didn't end up marrying each other after all that fuss.

And I had met N and S for a reason too.

How much of these events & incidents were self-determined & how much were "destined'?

Omid would have a field day dissecting these. With Abbhi. And I would just look on.

Missing Equations

It was probably like a scene from "Numbers". A friend of mine is nuts about probabilities & takes great pleasure in plotting numbers & working out the options... about anything.. work, relationships, furthering your studies.

Hmm.. I'm making her sound like a fortune teller. Nothing like that. Based on the things that happened she can do a calculation on the probability of each decision. Kinda what I do (mine is the preschool-version) but in serious numeric form.

In my case she said I have some missing equations. Haha. Not surprised. It's true that a couple more things need to happen before I can plot my next step for the future. So I'll let them happen. I will know when they happen.

Sounds completely cookie but I will let things be. Staying out of trouble & laying low. Taking care of myself and remaining hopeful always.

Fallen Eyelash

My mom used to say that if our eyelash drops @ sheds, someone is missing us @ thinking of us. It is uncanny how a simple bodily function can be interpreted in such a way, but indulge in it I did.

Like just now.. or yesterday.. or this morning.. I seem to have shed quite a bit of eyelashes..

Do not worry.. I'm sure at any present moment someone somewhere would be thinking of me.. be it my children.. or my mommy.. or my siblings.. or my friends.. or my colleagues.. or my exes.. right? I suggest the latter in pure jest & not in the interest of self aggrandizement.

Truth be told, I have forgotten Mr Ex completely.. I think of N sometimes especially when I wake up & wonder how he's doing.. I think of S & wonder if one day he would actually settle down- sometimes I remember some moments with him, but have decided to give him all the space to roam.. to the point that I wouldn't even call him my boyfriend in public (or even in private for that matter).

That's life I guess. We can't all be married to the wealthy good looking romantic nice guy who is completely & utterly crazy about us and would give us the world & all its contents. I don't have the chops to be with such a guy anyway. So be realistic & set sensible goals. DBA. Diploma in English Teaching. Travel the world.

If a kind man comes along & takes me as his wife, I would consider it as a bonus.

If he doesn't show up, well I guess I would find many great things to do in heaven. (Because people say we meet our husband in the afterlife).

All the best my girl. Remain Gorgeous & Mind-numbingly Fabulous.

A Game of Chance

LOVE

... is a many splendoured thing?
... is reserved for The One?
... is a game for two?
... is a risk only the brave is willing to take?
... is a silly notion?
... hurts?
... changes you for the better?
... is a privilege only for the lucky few?

Romantic love.. getting involved.. especially at this mental state.. is like playing Russian Roulette. It doesn't seem that I am completely ready to tame the beast. I don't have faith in bouquets of roses or a box of premium chocolates or being swept off my feet anymore. Not even a diamond solitaire worthy of a De Beers ad could sway me (but I guess I could be persuaded when it comes to that.. haha).

At times you meet someone you feel so right for you, but he is attached.. or his family disapproves.. or you just feel so good about it you don't want to mess it up by marrying him.

Do I want to marry S? Does he want to marry me? Must we get married?

For now I have no answer for these questions.

From now till whenever, I will be happily single, and raise my children as my investment for the future. Throw in your studies & you have your hands full. Sounds like a reasonable plan doesn't it?

Vertigo

At this age (42 y.o.) it is crucial if not mandatory to have sufficient sleep & exercise & your meals on time. I slept late last night & had very little food for breakfast... and had wanted to go to the gym after lunch, but my body stopped me. My head spun, it felt as if I was on a boat on a choppy sea & I felt woozy. So no gym today *despair*

The prescription? A good nap followed by a full meal (not the usual half portion) & the pill for vertigo.

There was a quote which I read once "If not for men there will be a lot of fat & happy women on this earth". In my case my obsession of being thin is for myself, because I have been fat (overweight) for most of my life. Now I want to be thin & I want to fit into M or S sizes.. and hopefully I won't have to starve myself in the process.

Let's make a resolution now, my dearest. Let's balance sleep & exercise & meals and not kill yourself over trying to be thin alright? So if you are 1-2kg above your ideal weight let it be. The big picture: to be healthy, not stick thin. Love you lots!

Classified

Single Asian Female seeking Kind-hearted & Funny/ Witty Male Professional.

Note:
1- Five children in tow
2- Starting DBA in May 2016 expected completion 2020
3- Has self-esteem & OCD issues

*shriek*
*turn the other way*
*abort plan*

A more positive spin would perhaps be this ad (below):

Single Asian Female seeking Kind-hearted & Funny/ Witty Male Professional.

Note:
1- Fun-loving, with a positive outlook in life
2- Responsible & Caring
3- Career-oriented & Independent


WELLLLLLL... either way it ain't gonna happen people. Would rather stay home & cook for the children rather than going out on dates.

Indeed the worthwhile pursuits in life involve those we love :)

Relationship Status: Undefined

Not dating. Not romantically involved with anyone. Not willing to settle down.

Focus on the children. On my studies. On managing my finances. On the future without a husband in the picture.

Sounds realistic enough, don't you think?

In Truth

I am probably as scared/ terrified of marriage as he is. Although I want to marry so that he can make an honest woman out of me, the reason I am not really pushing for it is because I am apprehensive of the union.

We probably have something going on, and it is yet to be defined. We are probably fond of each other, but afraid to hope for fear of being hurt... and taking 1.5 steps at a time.

We probably adore each other and sometimes miss the other's company, yet are we marriage material? To each other? Can't really say for sure. Not really feeling it.. and for some uncanny reason I feel that he is considering at least one other person apart from me.. and maybe he is also not feeling it (marriage) with me.

One of the saddest thing about divorce is you lose your best friend. Forever.

For my next marriage I will fight to the death. Unless of course he doesn't love me anymore. Like Mr Ex. In that case no measure of fighting will keep us together.

So my princess, do tread with caution. Don't hurry it. Yes you are lonely. YES this bloody sucks.. but promise me you'll try to find a silver lining in this whole scenario. You can do it, no matter how hard this singlehood will prove to be.

One of those Days

Feeling frustrated. Daughter made such a fuss about going to daycare and school. What choice do I have? She can't well stay at home so I made her go.

How do we make things better? I really don't know. The attitude matters so I hope in time I'll be able to teach/ impart enough lessons to my children.. for them to survive in this world when I leave it.

Feeling lonely. Decided to let it pass, because I have no immediate, medium term or long term solution for that one. Let it be. Close this chapter because there is no realistic ending in sight.

Work. Let the days pass. Find new adventures, hopefully people have not given up on me yet.

I'm probably a terrible mother, but I'm the only mother they have. Looks like we all have to suck it in & ride this situation through.

Smile, even though your Heart is Breaking

At times the feeling of loneliness can eat you. However now, no matter how lonely I get I will only reach out to female friends. Because I don't want to be misunderstood as desperate or desolate. In reality I have enough things to do already.

So now I am single. FACT.

There is no more forlorn messages to anyone from the male species for fear that the person may find me desperate. Well maybe I am a little, but hopefully it is not too obvious outwardly. Haha.

So just be happy. Be yourself. Embrace EVERYTHING that is ME, and keep on smiling my lovely girl. *Hugs*

The Total Sum of Things

Nearing 2 years, can't wait. Things are coming together nicely, in the circumstances.

The children are pretty settled. We are coping and doing our best. Thinking positive all the way. There are moments when I blow my top, but less now than before (I'd like to think).

Was in a conversation this morning with a friend. His questions got me thinking about the 'big picture' about our divorce.

On Paper: There was a third party/ an affair

Reality: We have fallen out of love & no longer want the same things

His Story: Husband neglect that drove him away

My Story: Breach of promise/ trust

Who is right and Who is wrong? It doesn't matter any more. It's true. It really doesn't matter any little bit. Unless of course Mr Ex wants to reconcile & we have to open this can of worms. Which I won't. Because it is no longer worth fighting for. So I will bury these remains deep in the darkest tombs and forget about it. IT IS OVER.

Alone

Alone but not lonely. Learning to experience the very feeling in my soul. And I realised that it is completely alright to be on my own. Life is like that. Sometimes you just need to be your own best friend & be fine with it.

Now whenever the dark chasm of loneliness opens, I will acknowledge it but won't take its invitation to peek or step in. I choose to be on the bright side.