It is what it is

I know what I want to say, and what to ask for on 10 June.

Coincidentally that is my mother's birthday.

She will pray her prayer for me, that I'm sure of.

What happened was/ is sad, to say the least.

It was a good wakeup call. Thank you.

I had been asleep and ignorant for far too long.

People around me have always been aware of the other woman/ women.

Again, sadly so, because I was the innocent girl they tried to protect.

However I will not play victim.

I am a survivor; a strong and capable woman.

This is a small puddle which I must cross,

and flourish on the other side.

I am so very glad to have my friends by my side.

There are not many of us,

but we will make ourselves heard..

because we stand with integrity and some wisdom,

despite our relatively young ages.

This is what I have learnt, having been married twice.

The only person I can trust, is myself 💖

Kitty Cat Villa

Yesterday son #2 assembled this cat castle. Took him 3 hours, because the manual was useless, seller did not tell in the description that we actually needed a drill and the instructions on youtube were incomplete (and he had to browse multiple YT videos to get proper info).

We modified the design a little, because my friend's cat had grown by the time we completed the structure (haha, kidding!). We didn't install the LED lighting either, because which cats need night lights anyways [See: Should you leave on a light for a cat at night?]

This was how it was supposed to look like, advertised as "cat villa" on shopee:

Moral of the story, never trust advertisements 😜

What we could have been

We could have been so great together: I am serious, you are lighthearted. 

We both have lots of ideas, we could make things happen.

We are great in organising events, for others.

We could have brought the best out of each other,

But we flew too close to the flame.. and got burnt.

I thought we have come to a point where we were comfortable with each other,

That our 5 years together have morphed into strength,

for us to carry on for the next 5-10-15 years and beyond.

Never had I been so wrong. Or more deluded.

I remembered thinking,

once I finish the PhD,

once we move to the UK,

once we are far away from your attention seeking girls,

we could totally focus on each other,

and live in our own happy bubble.

When in fact it should start NOW

not later

not eventually

not some day

loyalty is ingrained

i do not have to keep reminding you

time and again

like a broken record

In the time we were married, you had been paying the same amount of attention to other ladies. I had thought I was special, as your lawfully wedded wife, but not any more special than your exes. I thought I deserved full focus and attention, but that attention was divided amongst past loves and admirees. As much as it hurts, I have to keep moving on. We cannot be together anymore, because I do not like to be injected with poison and malice for the rest of my life.

".. perhaps when we are ready

when our lives are less hectic

we can find our way back to each other

but for the time being

i am chaos to your mind 

and you

you are pure poison to my heart"

Credit for poetry/ quote: poetician (on FB)

Just Do It

Yesterday evening I went to dinner with great friends. Over cucur udang, pomelo salad & fish & chips (It was our cheat day, don't judge us!) we chatted about anything and everything. One of the points we discussed was about how CVs have become outdated and Digital Portfolios are the "in" things.

So I shared some versions that my colleagues have done for a Learning Design course that we did, and my friends were super excited!

Which brings to mind that for that same course, I MUST SUBMIT MY PORTFOLIO PRETTY SOON!

So, please get it going. No more excuses my dearest ❤👸 

Let It Go

Lyrics from James Bay's "Let It Go":

Now we're slipping near the edge
Holding something we don't need
All this delusion in our head
Is gonna bring us to our knees

So, come on, let it go, just let it be
Why don't you be you, and I'll be me?
Everything's that's broke(n), leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you, and I'll be me?
And I'll be me

5 years. 

Enough.

Stop justifying.

No more wondering, what could have been.

Let It Go and Leave It Alone.

My time here is done.

This is also another song!

I Choose You

Some things work out, some things don't.

Being in a relationship, especially romantic ones, is not easy.

There is so much at stake. Expectations vs Reality. Disappointments.

Sometimes I wonder why do we even bother.

I cannot be in a relationship when his attention is not focused on me.

I don't expect him to be with me 24/7 and hold my hand every second,

BUT.. I do expect him to be paying attention to me, because I will reciprocate.

Might I be so presumptuous to even suggest that I deserve it.

Because I am his wife after all?

Having all these other people in the picture was distressing.

I had felt it all along, but whatever I said was discredited.

"I had known them long before you came into the picture."

"They are all my friends. I am still good friends with my exes."

"All these words of love are not serious. That's how I talk/ address them."

"I needed time to let them go; they needed time to let me go."

"I had let go of them."

Yes, please. Keep telling yourself these things.

I know you believe these words wholeheartedly.

To say that these were disappointing is the understatement of the year.

I really did not know who I married.

He was a wolf in sheep's clothing.

He knew exactly what he did.

He knows he had the desired effect on all those girls.

He knows it would affect me, given my past experience with ex-hubby,

YET.. he bulldozed his way and did it anyway.

I was the bystander, the one who should never have found out.

Well I did find out.

There will be hell to pay now.

Potential Goldmine

In the Peers on Demand meetup this morning, AJ talked about his podcast initiative with a local university. The Professors were not on linkedin & this initiated a thought in AJ: there is an opportunity to work with education institutions. Particularly the professors and teaching staff, because (1) we (I am one) educate students; and branding + networking are always a good lesson to impart to our students; and (2) it is a way to reach out and present our research to the general public

I personally believe this is a potential goldmine. The same way that insurance companies, or banks, or (on a darker note) credit card companies are interested in students. Due to their potential earning power. And 'loyalty', if you can capture that. If I were to do it, it would be a CSR-like model with minimal or no subscription. The students particularly may subscribe later when they have some earning power. For the professors and teaching staff, I would tweak the network slightly for research collaboration (a la research gate) and/ or university-industry collaboration.

Everything will be okay

The effort he spent on letting Aiza go was enormous; more than the effort he gave to make our marriage work. That was how much she meant to him.

Whatever or whoever she was to him, I bet she was worth it. 

More than me.

More than I will ever be.

Any words that he says now, that she was just a friend, or was immaterial, or has been forgotten... these are words of a drowning man. He has said lots of things to recover our relationship (I doubt that we had a relationship to begin with) but most or all were/ are untrue. The words just sounded convincing, because he is good with words. That is who he is. But these words will not persuade me any more.

I am broken. Thanks for breaking me. I will rise from the ashes again. You bet I will.

Blemish

The car was re-tinted last week. The tint was rippling and we had a 5-year warranty, so I asked him & he agreed to come along. Unfortunately some glue spilled on the steering wheel. I wiped it clean with lotion, but some blemish remained. Aptly so.

Once the heart is broken, once hurt happened, the scar will be there forever.

A forever reminder.

Everything that happened, happened for a reason.

Oh GOSH there were SOOOO MANY signs!

I had been too in love, or too trusting, or too foolish to not see them.

Now that my rose-tinted glasses are off, I can see these again.

He is not as appealing as he seemed before.

Our marriage is not as loving, or interesting, or of any value anymore.

It is what it is, really.

We live and we learn.

and we will survive this onslaught.

Once all this is over he would realise:

how much I had loved him,

how much I tried to be my best self for him,

and how much I bloody cared.

I will not participate in any further foolishness. No more.

Goodbye, and good luck!

Remain your own authentic self

Love yourself

Love others

Love the world

Within reason

Protect your heart

Protect your children

Protect the animals, the plants and the earth

We are all part of each other

Invest in self growth

In being genuine

Never in revenge

or retribution

For a time will come

When pain heals, gloriously so

When goodness comes back to you in droves

When retribution, after all, is unnecessary

When everything falls into place

Denouement

I would love to meet you again
To hold you and shower you with kisses

To laugh at your jokes

To be there for you

and hear your stories

But I have decided to love myself more

and keep walking

forward

no matter how much my heart breaks

So many missed opportunities

So many times when you could. have. let. go

Yet you held on

thinking NO WAY 

No way I would ever know

Well I found out

and those things that you did

they were not nice

You probably enjoyed

the thrill of the chase

the attention you got

the care/ love you gave

the messages and the replies

the outings 

the happiness they gave you

the support you gave them

You casually said that they were friends

but friends don't message friends like that, do they?

No more than friends, you insisted

That you have let them go

There is no (more) love between you & them

but if you wanted to rekindle the love, you could?

and if you messaged them, they would reciprocate?

regardless of my feelings 😔

My tears flowed freely

I had spoken up so many times

but you had dismissed these concerns

as many times as I had brought them up

And here we are

Awkward

Silent

Angry (well, mostly me)

Sad (mostly me too)

I do wish you every happiness

I do not fully understand what happened

but I guess I understood why they happened

He Said | She Said

HE SAID she left. Took all her things out of the house and left, never to return. He had done nothing wrong. Those girls he contacted were merely friends, no feelings, no love & definitely no sex. They were nothing more than friends, he had repeatedly said. He had known them since long ago, long before he & she fell in love. She had over-reacted and made a rash decision to up and go. He was punished for a single crime; he should have been given another chance. To make up. To be heard. To apologise. To make things better. To love her again. Properly.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

SHE SAID she left after so many tears on her pillow. She had always felt these girls were more than just 'friends'. In fact she had asked about each of them on separate occasions. More than once. He had denied everything and instead played on the words "I would tell you if I want to marry another woman". Obviously this will never happen because these other women are already married! She felt that she was an embarrassment to him. He was not proud to be married to her. He could do better, with all the choices he had had. She left pain. She left to find herself again. She walked away to find her peace.

If she had changed

He said she wasn't compatible as a wife, because she is too young: her current age 38 to his 52.

I was the better match, because I can jive with his friends. I was his junior in high school. Of course I can jive with his friends, because I knew them from before! It is still a poor excuse to keep her on the side & help her get through the separation with him. Because they had been together for 10 years. If she was incompatible, why did you NOT bloody cut her off immediately???

However there were messages throughout 2019 (after our marriage) where he had asked her to change, so that they can be together. If she had changed, would he have married her?

Once I had said this to hubby, when we riding in the car, that "dah lama kan kita kenal" (we have known each other a long time, haven't we?). I remembered his response because it was a strange one "saya kenal org lain lama lagi" (I have known other people far longer) but I did not pursue it, thinking that he may be referring to his fiance. BUT NOW LOOKING BACK, this person was bloody Aiza. 

Aiza ended up marrying in 2021, to a gentlemen of her choice. Apparently he became a witness to her marriage & maintains a good relationship with her husband too. I guess hubby is like that, friendly with everybody. I wouldn't be able to look Aiza's husband in the eyes, if I were him.

By this reason alone I won't be able to go back to him. The scenes are too haunting. 

He had said these were private conversations. I was not meant to know these things. BUT I HAVE ASKED ABOUT AIZA MORE THAN ONCE DURING OUR MARRIAGE! Why didn't he come clean? Why didn't he bring me when going out with Aiza. I'm sure my presence will hasten her recovery!?!?!?!?

The weirdest thing was he maintained all of us together in separate boxes. No one knew about the other. Well I did, but he had denied everything. What I can deduce here is: he needs help (mentally). So does Aiza, but I will let her figure this out by herself. I really do not owe that bloody idiot anything. My hope for him is that he gets the help & become a 200% better person than he was with me, so that he can find the best match to marry and love+cherish that person wholeheartedly.

Who we are (vs) who we were

On 28 May 2024 we'll be appearing before the Syariah Lower Court Judge to present our claim for divorce. There is no property to divide, no children to claim custody of, no shared accounts. A clean break. 5 years passed by so fast. 

Looking at the big picture, it was a reasonable marriage. We were not perfect (newsflash: nobody is) but we had our moments of fun. He is a kind person, he had his own things (so did 1), we trusted each other, he is very easygoing compared to my type A personality. He was fully supportive with my decision to do PhD, no ego or envy, and I was free to do the research without feeling that I was neglecting a husband.

On a darker (and sadder) note, he has always had his exes on speed dial, and maintained at least 3 emotional affairs throughout our marriage. On the basis that he had known these girls longer than he did me. Che Na he had known since 1993 (or earlier); Aiza since around 2000; Azhani since 2014. We started dating in 2015 and married in 2019. Throughout our marriage, and probably to this day, he still contacts them.. and more. I don't know & I don't want to check his primary phone either, because by now he would have cleaned his tracks. 

My rationale is this: I do want to bear any more pain of wondering: did he love me? why did he feel he had to contact all those girls? what does he see in them that I cannot provide for him? does he think of them when he's with me? where am I in his heart? why didn't he come clean from the very beginning, when I broke down & asked about them multiple times before? From personal experience, a person who can cheat and lie with a straight face can do it again and again. He had no guilt or qualms then, he will not ever have it. This will definitely continue, no doubt, no matter how sorry he says he is now.

I am more comfortable being a friend to him now, rather than a wife. I had too much vested interest as a wife. All the feelings and hunches I had felt about the 3 idiots were right. Behind my back they were gallivanting, with no concern or regard to my existence. On this basis alone, it is best to preserve my self-worth & carry on without his presence in my life. On a personal level, I wish him the very best. May he find THE woman of his dreams.

Being Human

We concluded an AI Stakeholder Summit (Generative AI in Education) yesterday, with ASEAN and international participation.

Some key takeaways were presented at the end, resolving to pave the way in these 5 areas:

• AI-enhanced learning and personalisation
• AI literacy and ethics (the "right" way to use AI)
• AI training for educators (recognising different age groups & learner needs)
• AI resource centre (e.g. hosted in participating universities)
• Consider diverse perspectives (of stakeholders) in defining AI use & its future direction

It was really amazing to be in the presence of great minds.

The breakout sessions (called "Roundtable Discussions") were used to identify issues and ideate potential solutions. I facilitated the discussions related to the theme of "Policy Development & Research Advancement", with representatives from UNICEF-IBE, SEAMEO (Philippines), SEAMEO-RECSAM (Malaysia), KSA Regional Centre for Quality in Education, and private universities of Indonesia and Brunei. My colleague handled facilitation on Day 1 and mine was on Day 2. Both went well in my view, and I am terrifically glad that I took part in this wonderful event.

My takeaway (on a personal level): Get the job done! I was initially apprehensive to facilitate the session, given the calibre of the participants. However they were no ego trips (or protocols, thankfully!) and the discussions flowed freely. 

At the professional level, the rich discourse content enhanced my overall appreciation of generative AI aspects in education. What came through for me is the reminder that gen AI is a tool & what we want from this tool is to create a better learning experience, and help students develop the right skillsets. 

"With great power comes great responsibility" - Uncle Ben  

Do I stay or do I go?

One of life's greatest questions, if I may say so myself.

What do I do now?

The big picture is, I have to take care of my own sanity.

I don't want to be wondering where he goes to, who he meets or messages, or is thinking of?

This loop is so unhelpful, especially in marriages.

If trust is not there, we should not be together.

It is as simple as that.

If I can be loyal, why can't he?
Trust: is it such precious commodity?

Or is it just me who is problematic.

The one not keeping the marriage spicy and exciting.

At this point frankly, we are lucky just to be able to talk to each other in the evenings

Without collapsing in deep sleep minutes later.

We are getting old, and I am not sure that I can rely on him to grow old together.

My fear rules all the time, and I should probably go.

Why stay in a burning house, ain't that just silly???

You flee, and run for your life!

Don't look back either.

Why go back, heal, and in a couple of months he does this again to you.

What then? Another drama & upheaval.

I really do not think I can survive that again and again.

Logic decrees that I prioritise self-preservation.

Despite My Best Efforts

May I just point it down to me failing to take care of my husband properly?

We can just put that as a reason & seek divorce?

I have no energy to support him through this whole shit.

The tables may turn against me, for all we know.

The printouts will be sufficient I think, to show the emotional affair.

I can give other reasons too:

- staying together is not good for my mental health

- I can never trust him again after what he did

- he showed me no respect when decided to maintain the 3 idiots for the duration of our marriage (why or why or why??????) 

- the shadow of the 3 idiots will always hover at the back of my mind & gives mental block whenever I want to do anything with hubby

- there is no guarantee that it won't happen again, no matter how many high tech devices I install, or how many messages I monitor (AND do I want to monitor all his messages? He is NOT 10!!!!)

- let's say he weans himself from these 3 idiots, there are 3 billion other women in the world for him to pursue

- maybe I just don't love him anymore, and don't care

- I will not lift a finger or put any effort in the marriage from now on, because I have given up

- no matter what I do he will seek validation from other women, SO WHAT IS THE POINT?

Marriage literally is completely pointless. I don't want to be married ever again. No man can stand me, I cannot keep a man no matter what I do. I pay him little attention therefore he went into the arms of another women

Honestly, to save me from the suspense and anxiety, he can look for anyone he wants. Just stay away from me & never return. I can survive on my own & men are unnecessary for me. My track record with 2 has shown that I am not capable of taking care of husbands. Sorry my dear children, since I could not provide you with a father figure ☹

Tears

Whatsapp + crying combo is really not a good idea because your eyesight is messed up so much.

When I went out to buy lunch I practiced looking at the trees and the buildings at a distance.

That helped a bit in sharpening my vision.

Messages that came in this morning were sad, and I was mainly the reason.

Still angry and looping back to the 3 idiots.

One day I will be okay, but not soon by the looks of it.

I am trying to manage the emotions because I have to finish the PhD.

Will welcome major feelings later, once I am done.

Now I am back to writing my amendments & must finish them in the next 3 hours before the office gets locked. Trying to see if the pomodoro technique can work. Not my favourite one, because sometimes when I have lots of ideas I prefer to continue & do the start-stop technique.

Who is Aiza? Part 2

How an imaginary conversation with Aiza would pan out:

* * *

NS  : You knew he married me on 19 Feb 2019?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : Yet you continued contacting him until today?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : What was your thought process when you did this, knowing he had a wife?

Aiza: We were friends, nothing more than that  [DENIAL/ NONCHALANT]

* * *

NS  : You knew he married me on 19 Feb 2019?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : Yet you continued contacting him until today?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : What was your thought process when you did this, knowing he had a wife?

Aiza: He knew me waaayyyy before he knew you, so please learn your place [COCKY]

* * * 

NS  : You knew he married me on 19 Feb 2019?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : Yet you continued contacting him until today?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : What was your thought process when you did this, knowing he had a wife?

Aiza: I don't know you. Maybe I have thought of you in the background, but never considered your feelings [PARTIAL IGNORANCE/ SEMBLANCE OF GUILT]

* * * 

NS  : You knew he married me on 19 Feb 2019?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : Yet you continued contacting him until today?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : What was your thought process when you did this, knowing he had a wife?

Aiza: We never expected that you would find out, so neither of us thought it through [EVASIVE]

* * *

NS  : You knew he married me on 19 Feb 2019?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : Yet you continued contacting him until today?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : What was your thought process when you did this, knowing he had a wife?

Aiza: Kakaaakkk, minta ampun banyak2. We shouldn't have done that 😭 [GUILT]

* * * 

NS  : You knew he married me on 19 Feb 2019?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : Yet you continued contacting him until today?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : What was your thought process when you did this, knowing he had a wife?

Aiza: What can I say, I have been and always will be a mental case. I chase men who do not want me, or those I cannot get, or out of my reach [IDIOCY/ BASKET CASE]

* * * 

NS  : You knew he married me on 19 Feb 2019?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : Yet you continued contacting him until today?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : What was your thought process when you did this, knowing he had a wife?

Aiza: May the best woman win 😉 [DELUSIONAL]

* * *

NS  : You knew he married me on 19 Feb 2019?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : Yet you continued contacting him until today?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : What was your thought process when you did this, knowing he had a wife?

Aiza: What's this about, and why are you bothering me? [BITCHY]

* * *

NS  : You knew he married me on 19 Feb 2019?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : Yet you continued contacting him until today?

Aiza: Yes

NS  : What was your thought process when you did this, knowing he had a wife?

Aiza: We really tried to lay low; I was slowly letting him go; he is helping me get over him; he was ready to love you full-heartedly. Now we are fully weaned off each other. I have married & already have a child with my husband [STUTTERTING DUCK, sorry ducks 🙏]

* * *

I highly suspect that if/ when we do see her, hubby would have coached Aiza to paint a very specific picture/ storyline. The first one most likely. Then I will bring out all the messages "love you forever"; "matching baju raya"; "money transfer" (what a LOVELY friend my husband have been, wouldn't you say??????). I might even show her his messages to Che Na & Azhani: "by the way did you know you had competitors? One particularly, he knew since the 90s.  

I would LOVE to see her face when that happens. I can only dream 🤡

Walking Away

It's not that I don't love you. I did, but I didn't feel the love reciprocated.

Che Na, Aiza & Azhani aside, I had felt your reluctance to announce our marriage.

I initially thought you wanted to give my children space to accept you in their lives.

And since you have been single all your life, I had tried to empathise: maybe you may have felt uncomfortable approaching the next phase of life being "tied down" (for want of a better word).

I had waited patiently; given you all the space you wanted and needed. There were talks that we will do a wedding reception. Nothing fancy, just food & friends getting together to eat at our house, or under a tent. We didn't even have to have a dais or photo wall or anything like that. God forbid if we made memories! I suggested why don't we just welcome everyone for a meal & get together. We had organised many such events before, and we could have set aside some money for it, but it did not happen. primarily because of covid-19 pandemic, but essentially because you didn't want it to happen. There were so many excuses: we are too old already, it is embarassing; no money; no suitable dates; everyone is busy, especially you/me/us. 

You were probably embarrassed: I was a divorcee with 5 children. Out of nowhere. Not even good looking or fashionable or rich. It was not a good look. I totally get it.

That idea was dropped. Then you gave the idea of doing a 5-year anniversary gathering. Did not happen either. We've exceeded the anniversary by 3 months already, and no chance that it will happen now. We have gotten the divorce date too, so an anniversary 'do' would just be silly. I have come to accept that "we" will not be celebrated. 

My announcement of our marriage appeared on my FB page during the Syawal month, on 20 April 2024, because I has been too tired of waiting for something to happen. You had called from Jakarta after I posted it (you were holidaying in Jakarta with your mates), persuading me to untag you, which I refused (because that was the whole point of the announcement!). You had given the reason that you were apparently bidding for a government project, and do not want to be traced or suspected or denied the contract due to subversive comments (like you had any?!). You then requested to untag yourself manually; I agreed since you insisted. It was that important that you are not associated with me at any cost. So that was that. The post will remain on my wall forever. Because it happened. Never will you deny my existence!

The discovery of Che Na, Aiza and Azhani came later. When you were away in Jakarta and left one phone at home, I managed to open it. Out came multiple incriminating messages especially from your soulmate Aiza. You two should have gotten married to each other, if you asked me. I don't know how you even considered marrying me. You message her 2000 times a day, takes her out to dinner more often than you ever did me, your own wife. You two have 5000 things in common and have 10,000 mutual friends (well I exaggerate, but you know what I mean). 

Che Na you had messaged a little less but as controversial as ever (well maybe with Che Na it was quality, not quantity, and she has a jealous husband). You had messaged her asking for photos, because you missed her. 

Azhani you stalked on FB and downloaded hundreds of photos. She reciprocated when you messaged her, by updating you about her day.. belly dancing, salsa dancing, cooking, holidaying. Oh my my my my. what have we here? Arguably Azhani had not known we were married (because NOBODY knew, and such information you probably did not dish out freely). I do admit that she is less controversial compared to the other 2 monkeys but an interference nevertheless. 

You had messaged other girls too via IG, FB and god-knows-where-else. Frankly I have had suspicions about the 3 ladies, but you denied everything from Day 1: "I had known them much longer that I had known you, there is really nothing going on" have been his standard textbook answer. Which is true: you weren't lying. But you were shrewd. 

How do we move forward from all that? A clean break was my choice, and you may have full license to use this & say that I left/ I gave up. You may even say that I got too cocky after my PhD, I will let that slide too. I cannot control your motor mouth. You may literally say whatever you want. I will use the late Queen's approach: "Never Complain, Never Explain." I am just hanging on for the 28th, and I will be completely okay (eventually).

If you said that I was rash and punished you for your first mistake ever, I disagree. We were married 5 years and I had brought up specifically Che Na, Aiza and Azhani more that 3 times each. Because I had felt it, but these feelings were never acknowledged or taken into account when you flirted with everybody. You were nonchalant and did not take any action because there in no chance in hell that I would ever find out. Well I did and you have blown your 58th chance. How about that? I release you to pursue your true love & forever happiness, because I am tired chasing after you. 

Simpan sedikit Misteri (Keep it a Little Mysterious)

Not every part of our lives belong to the public domain.

He didn't have to tell Aiza all our activities.

I am a party to those activities too, I wished he had the decency to ask.

I would have shut down this romance/ affair/ endeavour immediately.

My memories with my husband are mine & ours, no sharing or publication required.

I am very happy being mysterious.

No matter how much he had shared, Aiza.. you do not know me at all.

I feel like going to Kuantan, to her husband's gym and request to meet her.

Who am I? I am a friend from 2019, and would like to reconnect.

When I meet her I would like to present this:

Aiza, when my husband and I we were married on 19 Feb 2019, he went out with you the night before and expressed his forever love to you. And married me in the morning!

You both maintained a platonic/ loving/ matrimonial-like relationship till about 2021/ 2022.

Or even until today? I don't know and do not quite care.

You knew he had married me; you have seen me & I am not someone hidden in the shadows.

Heck both of you have even discussed about me and my incompetence more than once in your WA messages exchange. Believe me, your messages with my husband was the most I had to sift through because there were millions of them!

YET you continued the rubbish lovey dovey relationship with my husband (for the record, I will not say rubbish and I will try to remain calm)

Would you mind sharing with me your thought process during the years?

Would you have liked a person like you in your mother's or sister's or best friend's or YOUR own marriage? What did you hope to achieve- were you planning to offer yourself as the second wife?

Or are you both just mental?

Just for the sake of it, I hope you feel a pinch of my pain one day.

All the best handling it. Oh btw you will have my husband to message again by then.

Because thanks to you primarily, and 2 other idiots, we will be divorced soon.

I do hope that you are mighty pleased with yourself Aiza!

Who Are YOU?

Currently at the point of acceptance: I did not know who I married.

I wanted to believe that he had loved me & only me.

Now I know that was wishful thinking.

He had too big a heart & so much love for at least 3 other people.

After digging about these 3 key characters, I had no more energy to keep going.

There were probably others, but I don't want to think about this anymore.

I have enough information to deduce who I was to him. Nobody, sadly.

So long to the plans we made, and the dreams we had (maybe they were his dreams & he made me believe them, and I was the tool to make them come true.. that's how much of a persuader he was).

Goodbye to his family too, he has a really cool family I have to admit. Kudos to his mom for raising lighthearted children. I'm not sure if he had mom issues that required validation from females (in plural) but no matter, that is NOT my problem anymore.

Farewell to the memories, already dust in the wind. 

Immaterial & forgettable.

What happens after this is anybody's guess, but I know what's going to happen to me. 

I will be glorious.

My plans remain. No change. Finish my studies. Complete the research papers. Write a book (or two, or more). Submit my AdvancedHE application. Go on holiday with the children. Go on holiday with my friends. Ignore all comments about him & me on social media and offline platforms. Apply to work overseas. PLAN & FOCUS. May I succeed beyond my wildest dreams 😎🎁✨

Blinded by the prospect (of the person he could be)

Was I in love with his potential, or with him?

He has his good points: he is kind, and does not raise his voice with me.

He loves the children, not easy to do: taking care of stepchildren.

He is a problem solver, for me, for the children, 

.. and for countless women (who asked, or who he reached out to).

As good or great as he is, I am choosing self-preservation.

Never will I go back to the muck/ fray/ cesspool of filth.

He may continue to love those other women without my intervention, or jealousy, or questions.

He may miss me for a bit, because we apparently had a life together, but soon all the girls may help him drown his sorrows. They have always been around in his life. In fact, for as long as I have known him (and let me also highlight that he never failed to remind me, that he has known Che Na and Aiza for far longer), he has always been surrounded by girls but my trust blinded me. 

I never saw that he could be a Casanova. Well he is. Undeniably so.

Now that my third eye is opened, I can never go back and continue receiving bullshit from him.

I am too good for all of that. Another beautiful journey awaits me, without him.

No matter, I have my wits about me. Walking alone is daunting, but I can do it.

Umi did it for so long (still doing it!). I should suck it up and emulate her.

Life teaches us great lessons, so long as we are willing to receive it.

I'm glad to have learnt this lesson, and to have been strong enough to make a decision.

Ganbatte ne! + Evermore vibe

Everything (and Everyone) else is immaterial

When a marriage happens, the focus should be on the partner/ person you chose to marry. 

I made this mistake by not focusing on him more. He had expected some things, and I could not deliver.

He made the mistake of focusing on the other girls. I had felt it and asked multiple times, and was responded to in complete and utter denial.

Now that all these stories have been uncovered, he had admitted fault and asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness will come eventually, with time and eventual healing, but I will never forget all that has happened. They remind me why I should never go back. On my part, I have decided what I wanted to do. I was not important to him during marriage, and never will be. He won't change because the girls are STILL on speed dial & freely contacting him. So, why do I want to immerse myself again in pain? I am not a masochist. Not my thing.

FB has finally caught up with me after 2 weeks. Now my feeds are filled with strong women quotes. Thanks for the analytics but you guys are a little bit slow. The various pages referred to me had said that when marriage happens, you cut off all the sides & focus on your wife/ husband. Fair point. Most, if not all people will expect that. However to him, it wasn't wrong for him to contact those girls because they are his friends (do not get me started on his definition of "friendship"!!!). I say it is wrong because he was/ is unfocused, he does not feel comfortable to declare our marriage (not then, not now, not ever), and there was emotional entanglement (and more, especially with Che Na & Aiza).. "Messy" doesn't even begin to describe the situation, but to him I was overreacting and being unreasonable because "nothing is going on" (his words, not mine). 

Well the nothing-is-going-on-ness is shuttered now & I do not want to entertain anymore thoughts of "did he/ did he not; what is he doing; who is he contacting; does he love me; is he being loyal; what should I do; why do I feel this way" because YOU, SIR will be gone from my life pretty soon!

From this day on, I choose beauty over pain.

I choose self-empowerment over cheating.

I choose strength above and beyond confusion.

I CHOOSE ME ❤👸

Because Life is too Short and a Lifetime is too Long (a work of fiction)

The sprite kissed Ellie on her forehead and said "You'd better be going".

"Why? I love it here!" Ellie retorted.

"As much as we have enjoyed your company and great spirits, we have to ask you to leave" the sprite let go of Ellie's hands and started flying away.

"No, no, no... why can't I stay? I promise I won't be much of a bother" Ellie pleaded.

"We can't let you do that. Once you start sprouting roots, you won't be able to leave. You will be part of the fauna, living and breathing, but rooted to the ground with birds pecking you for food" the sprite flew further away and started to turn her back against Ellie.

"... but" Ellie started again, torn between returning home and becoming a tree. 

She woke up in her bed seconds later. Her alarm clock showed 6.30am. The sun will be up soon.

In the silence of the morning hours, Ellie heard her mum walking down to the kitchen.. to her morning routine of getting breakfast ready. Maybe today Ellie would surprise mum. She quickly washed her face, combed her hair real quick (because mum doesn't approve of messy hair) and quietly walked down the stairs to the kitchen.

"Hey mum" Ellie peeked from the side cabinet as she entered the kitchen.

"Oh gosh, you startled me there. What got you up so early?" mum nearly dropped the jam jar that she was holding.

"Just because..." Ellie gave her trademark cheeky smile.

"Come here and help me mix this batter my dear" mum motioned with her hand for Ellie to come to her, and kissed Ellie on her forehead as she came in range. "That's my girl" followed by a hug.

Well maybe the sprite was right. Being a tree wouldn't have been a good choice.

Being Present

When a person is in a relationship, especially in a marriage, HE/SHE HAS GOT TO BE PRESENT.

Paying attention to others, or pursuing other romances, or entertaining a whim.. these are all unnecessary and inconsequential. Once a decision is made to be with someone, you BE with that person: heart, body and soul. Is that too much to ask? Apparently yes, to many men (and women).

I will take my confusion and expectations, and keep them to myself.

I know what I want, and no one can tell me otherwise.

It is a minimum expectation, especially for marriage.

If I do not get it, then I am MORE THAN HAPPY to be by myself.

Having a supporter/ confidant/ significant other spurs one on, I completely agree.

However a good-for-nothing partner should be cut off, because it's just not a good look.

If at all, it (yes, this is intentional & not a grammar mistake) hampers your progress.

Carry on my dear, and smash all the glass ceilings that you want.

Inspired for Greatness

This is probably one of my favourite quotes ever

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?" -- Marianne Williamson

Source: 50 Inspiring Motivational Quotes About Mental Toughness and Willpower (Inc.com)

We fear success as much as (or sometimes more than) we fear failure. What we need to do is to keep doing our best, remain humble, grateful, grounded, and place total trust in Allah the Ever Knowing.

Till then, keep going and be wonderful. You've got this my dearest!

Smile when you are hurting

Some days you just need to go on. Keep walking. 

Cry if you have to, and then wash your face, dust yourself off, do your thing.

Day by day, it gets better. Trust me, it does.

The pain is real, no matter how many times it happens.

From that raw emotion emerges a new person, or maybe an old person re-discovered.

I will remain strong, for now & always

PhD first, breakdown & drama later. Can?

He is just that not into you

Day by day, it gets easier.

The pining and missing dissipates over time.

Reality checks are always in order: he declared his forever love to someone else on our wedding night; he maintains emotional connection with his betrothed (who was forced to marry someone else by her family, and pines for him to this day); he has eyes on and often contacts & meets a cute girl/ our junior who is in a lonely marriage.

I know when to leave when the marriage is becoming too crowded. 

I GET IT. 

No need to tell me so many times.

I have been an idiot for far too long.

Never again!

Then there were the memories.

I will keep them in a vault deep in my heart, locked forever.

We probably can maintain friendship, we were friends to begin with anyway.

One day I will be okay, I know he will always be okay because he is a lightweight kind of guy.

What will transpire after 28 May, it is anyone's guess.

He need not take care of me anymore, not that he ever did much.

I took care of myself, like I always do. Because I can.

Until then, I will be here & he will be there.

No longer will we hold each other, or have long conversations, or spend time together, or be a part of each other's life.

Not that these moments matter anyway, because all these people were always in the picture.

(well the moments mattered to me, because they were ours.. and because I loved him but from his actions, he does not love me the same/ at all)

They discuss, judge and snicker away at my mistakes and shortcomings.

No matter, I do not live or die by your judgements.

To hell with all of you!

It was great to have lasted 5 years, despite the disturbances.

I have no qualms about it, because I did what I could in the time given & with the energy I had.

He had expected more, which I could not deliver.

I must remember to apologise for all these on the 28th.

Now he will be happy to explore the many opportunities the world has to offer.

I won't question or care anymore.

The LOVE that never was

His former fiancee was the one that got away, 

Che Na was his great love,

Aiza was his soulmate,

Azhani was his companion when he is lonely,

All the sexy FB/ IG girls, they were eye candy for dry seasons.

Me? A standby mate at best. He claims that he loves me, but after what he did I am not convinced.
I am the reliable pillar/ rock that he can lean against, or step on. 

One day I will figure out what he was after, OR NOT (because by then I would have 200 better things to do). I have decided that I will be alright. Life is too short to be forlorn, or to regret what could have been.

This has been fated to unfold in the exact way as it happens.

I will gather my scattered wits and keep walking. FORWARD.

Compartmentalisation

Please do this: compartmentalise your things!

PhD amendments 

PhD analysis & conclusion

Work: Marking & Exam Paper uploading

More work: Weekly assignments & tutorials

More, more work: Mentoring new staff, Project moderation; Exam boards 😷

Family & Home Management: delegated to children (they're self managing for now)

Divorce: set aside until I have to deal with it on 28 May. 
Stop messaging, thinking about him, or second-guessing what could have been.
This union was doomed since the very start, due to the choice he made.

Acceptance

I accept that:

- he did not love me the way I had wanted him to love me

- he was not focused on the marriage due to "distractions", self-induced

- no matter how perfect I had been as a wife, NOTHING would have changed

- he had tried to control some of my choices e.g. asking to renew my PC and return to practice

- gaslighting happened & he made me feel guilty for asking about the 3 idiots

- he was very reluctant to embrace the idea of being married, and/or being married to me

- emotional/ romantic connections between him & other females were maintained during the marriage

- he will no longer play any part in my life from now on

- I can live on my own and will succeed beyond my wildest dreams

I have been nothing but honest during this marriage.

I appreciated the moments that we had together, although now I will always question who you think about when we go out, when we have conversations, or messages, or when we were intimate.

You are a kind person, and I appreciated every bit of your patience.

The memories I had with you were meaningful to me, although I cannot say the same about you with any certainty because Aiza has always been updated on everything that we do.

Goodbye and God Bless.

My journey stops here.

One Fine Day

There will be a time when I will be okay, but today is not the day.

I am doing my best to type my amendments and I am as slow as a snail, maybe even slower.

All I know is that it will get done today & my supervisor will see it tomorrow, come hell or high water.

How did I allow a man to affect me so much? After the last one?

Why do I fall in love so hard? He had said that I am not giving my all. Maybe I didn't, compared to the first marriage. I had reserved some love for myself this time around. Thank GOD for that, because I am using that reserve now as a crutch, until such time that I can stand again. 

I wish for him happiness, regardless.

I wish that he would stop romancing people's wives.

No matter what the reason, no matter how unhappy these 3 are/ were, please take your dirty paws off them. They are not yours to coax, console or love. 

Well you had me, but apparently I was not enough.

You had to seek out these other girls.

Please look for a single girl who has all the qualities you look for.

There are lots out there. If you changed, like you said you had, she will appear when you're ready.

When she does, please ask for her hand in marriage & walk happily together into the sunset.

And please cut off Che Na, Aiza, Azhani, and all the Indonesian girls.

Or perhaps you can marry an Indonesian? 

They are known to take care of the husbands very well.

I am not part of your demographic, we tried but it didn't work out.

Thanks so much for your time. I will be on my way.

A Million Reasons

There are a million reasons to stay, or leave, or think things over.

Actions are urgently needed to show the sincerity or effort in fixing things which are broken in a marriage. Is it still possible to work on it? For others maybe, but not in my case. We will throw this relationship in the junkyard very soon. It was not formed on the basis of love in the first place. Well I did love him, but it was not reciprocal. He has other options & I happen to be the convenient one, waiting for him like a puppy. After marriage, it was business as usual with all the hangers on.

If Diana had 3 people in the marriage: herself, Charles & Camilla, I had at least 5: me + hubby, Che Na, Aiza & Azhani. So crowded, and to say he was distracted is an understatement. In hindsight it explained MANY things. Why he disappeared after our wedding ceremony, why he often comes home late at night, the frequent trips to Kuantan, his familiarity with Kerteh, how Che Na and Azhani looked at him, why Aiza looked guilty when she visited the house; why I almost never get invited to Kuantan, why he is so secretive with his phone, why he took some calls outside the house & returned inside a changed man.

I KNOW A MAN IS CAPABLE OF LOVING MANY WOMEN. However, please do not be deluded into thinking that he can hide it well. No sirree. These things are very difficult to hide, especially from a significant other. I felt something off quite early on, but he had denied every allegation. I had trusted him less and less over time. The last straw had been the messages to the 3 ladies, as especially his message to Aiza the night before our wedding, saying that he will love her forever. That, ladies & gentlemen, will be etched in my memory forever. Even if I have Alzheimer's it will be printed and pasted to my diary. And especially if I have Alzheimer's, he has no reason to come back and take care of me anyways.

My point is this: Marriage is a decision. Taking care of someone you love is a decision, be it your child/ children or spouse. Being loyal is a decision. Being available is a decision. Unfortunately cheating is also a decision. You do not just stumble upon someone and you chat the person up. He would have targeted each person deliberately and sent messages indicating interest, and followed up regularly. As the screenshots show; screenshots that will be shown to the Magistrate on the 28th. Che Na after his/ her SPM, Aiza circa 2000, Azhani during the flood relief project in 2014. Fuck you all.

Letting Go

Distance and silence gives clarity.

Clarity helps me decide.

I would consider renegotiating our terms if he & the 3 girls/ wenches apologised to me.

He would not entertain such a thing, so our time here is done.

I am the one who is the idiot in this whole transaction.

Blissfully ignorant while the rest are gallivanting and romancing themselves to death.

Psychologically I fail to see the logic or the need of such relationships,

but that is just me- I am loyal to a fault. 

The rest may not see the need to be faithful to their respective spouses.

Such communications with my husband are merely harmless,

a need they filled that I am not capable of serving.

I spit on all your collective faces.

You are all useless beings!

Curtain Call

We'll take a bow and walk off the stage on 28 May.

What will happen after that, is anybody's guess.

He can post all he wants on FB about anything & everything, 

and I will not care anymore.

It is out of my hands/ face/ heart.

There is no more locus standi.

I will cease to be his wife.

He will be the person whom I used to know.

At this moment I am still quite dazed,

but I have sufficient clarity to know my direction into the future.

Being alone is not too bad, I have done it before.

I will be okay alone & seek out joy by myself or with my friends,

BECAUSE I CAN.

No more wondering who he is thinking of, or contacting, or going out with, or loving.

These are totally out of my hands, like the previous ex.

I so do wish that we could stay married, 

but the way forward is fraught with more uncertainty and danger.

Self-preservation is paramount at this moment.

Let's keep walking, and find our bliss ☆

Compromise

Relationships, marriages especially, are not easy in the best of circumstances.

One of my friends eat spicy food, but tones it down a great deal when she cooks at home... because her husband and children do not eat spicy food.

I love tempeh, but never cook it at home because hubby doesn't eat it.

Some others may love durian, but have eaten less of it/ stopped eating at home because their partners/ spouse cannot stand its smell.

That's just food we're talking about.

We make many compromises.

We would rather stay home in Kelantan (or Johor or Penang, wherever home is), but we married someone from Kedah who needs to take care of his parents and children.

We prefer wearing certain types of clothes but our significant other considers them too sexy or unsuitable, we stopped wearing them.. or gave them away.

We would prefer to work, but was asked to stay at home to take care of the children.

Love made us do the things that we did.

We care so much, gave up the life we wanted to be with someone.

When that someone takes us for granted, it is crushing.

I have made many mistakes.

I probably should have taken care of him better,

Or cook more, or be more attentive, or be there for him more days than usual, 

Instead of being with the children.

He would have preferred someone sweet like Che Na & Azhani.

Someone "manja" like Aiza.

I am not those people.

To this day I wonder why he married me.

Maybe I was convenient and available,

and I gave him as much space as he needed and wanted.

Today I will stop blaming myself.

It is what it is.

I WILL BE OKAY.

He has his reasons, I won't inquire anymore.

I am not the one he wanted, that is the explanation I can fathom.

I will be on my way & seek my bliss.

Reflecting on Relationships

We all went in with the best of intentions
But sometimes shit happens
No rhyme or reason, just because
So we deal with it

There's pain of course
And there's healing too
Because we used to love and care for each other
And the memories.. so many memories

We associate so much,
and invest so much of our time, our heart, our soul
into 1 ordinary individual
With our love, we made them special

Give us time, and we will heal
Once we heal, all these experiences strengthen us

We go forward bolder & more reassured ❤️

101 Questions

At one point I will stop questioning.

It felt like a long time has passed, but all these events unfolded just last week.

I had been frantic, wanting demanding some explanations but now the fervour for answers has dissipated.

At this point, I have sufficient answers to back a solid decision.

He posted in FB that I will be sorry to let him go.

I really do not want to reply or respond to that, it is just not productive.

And maybe it is even presumptive of me to think that that post was about me.

I could be about me, or not at all. 

Like what he has told me many times before, these posts are poetic expressions and do not relate to anyone in particular.

His fans/ followers will deliberate, comment and/ or speculate, it is up to them.

I have no control over these activities.

He will make someone really happy one day.

My time with him is up, and I will be moving on.

Character Flaw

Each one of us is imperfect. No question about that.

I am the most imperfect of all. I have quirks, weird bits and LOTS of limitations.

At what point does a character flaw becomes unbearable?

When it borders on fraudulence, or excess, or blatant disregard of polite society? (here I am rambling, so if you want to incorporate any Freudian concepts, feel free to comment)

What were our non-negotiables?

For me it is disloyalty. His is too, if I remember correctly.

Hubby had said if he wants to marry someone else, he would tell me 

& I may apply for divorce if I want.

However he had maintained relations with at least 3 women and provided constant (and shady) emotional support. They were not merely friends but more than that. On the night before we were to marry he sent a message to Aiza that he would love her forever. Not cool Bro, not cool at all!!!

In his mind he may consider himself a confidant, they seek him out when facing issues with their husbands, OR he seeks them out when he has issues with me. This type of relationship constitutes cheating in my book, but he calls it FRIENDSHIP. Maybe it is friendship on a faraway planet, but definitely not on earth. If I had messaged those same words to someone's husband, I will be ASSASSINATED by their wives. No way I would live to see another day. His messages to them would not have passed the "mother" test: i.e. would you allow your mother to read this text?

Well serves me right because I always seek out bad boys. Definitely got them. Twice to be exact. I have learnt my lesson. Never again. Bad boys, good boys, they are not at all convincing. I will remain single for the rest of my life. No men/ males/ boys for me. Thank you very much.

Being Faithful

I am a fiercely loyal person in a romantic relationship.

The kind who dig in her heels and stay, unpack the issues and work things out.

So long as the marriage is worth saving.

None of the 3 ladies hold a candle to me, none of them come even a close second.

Do men realise their stupidity as it happens, or much later.. when everything hits them like a ton of bricks?

To say that this turn of events is heartbreaking, is an understatement.

We appear to have a good thing going.. but did we really?

We have great conversations about anything and everything.

He is funny, and makes me happy. 

His home is my safe place, my sanctuary.

He goes out of his way to bring me to places I wanted to go to.

We work well together, cooking or cleaning, or camping.

He is really easygoing and patient.

Maybe I have too low an expectation?

Or maybe I did not try hard enough?

and these were before I knew the truth.

Looking at the big picture, his behaviour did not show his willingness to be married:

- his reluctance to announce the wedding 

- he took off right after the wedding ceremony, citing work commitments, only to be seen that night & we were not intimate. I initially thought it was nerves but apparently someone else was on his mind

- him taking his time introducing me to people, especially his friends

- the way I was introduced to friends, very by-the-way and casual (I have seen some friends introduce their wives with pride, his has none)

- we do not eat out often, his excuse is he prefers to eat together at home (but he takes Aiza out to eat ALL THE TIME)

- him not wanting to return to Batu Pahat for Hari Raya or other days; I normally return with the children

- him walking away when photos are taken; or going to the far end (from me) in group photos

- all the secrets: taking Aiza's calls outside (because he did not want to hurt my feelings, he says)

- if I accompany him to weddings or group events, he will go everywhere and chat with everyone while I sit at the table drowning in my thoughts; or he will seat me with my friends & ask me to speak to them, like he does NOT want to be associated with me

- his family still talking about his exes like I never existed 

And now of course I know why. He wished to maintain all romantic relationships, past and present. Admitting he is my husband will destroy that chance.

Maybe I just wanted to see what I wanted to see.

I did not see the glaring evidence hitting me right between the eyes.

He wants to see me, but now I do not see the point of doing that.

Do I want to heal, or do I want my heart to break even more?

Who am I to him: a gullible girl he persuaded to be a companion,

Or did I force him to marry me, and he is punishing me for it?

We can go for therapy, and again I do not see the point of doing that.

I will still be angry | sad | disappointed | confused | feel betrayed

He will still consider that he has done no wrong & what is the big deal?

My anxiety will hit the roof and we will be none the wiser.

Oh whatever will we do?

Dear hubby, I do not need rescuing.

If you had wanted to be my husband, you should have done it since 19 Feb 2019.

You should have cut off all those hangers on and abandon them in the trash where they belong.

But noooo, you loved them all and loved the care + attention.

You felt I had neglected you, and for that I admit fault. I did abandon you. I could have paid more attention, praised you more, be there when you needed me, appreciate your presence.

BUT TODAY IT IS TOO LATE.. for you, for me & for both of us.

Let us not wonder anymore and cut our ties with certainty.

You may entertain all the needy ladies, I am not one of them thank you very much.

All the best to you my dear hubby. May you achieve what you seek in life, and may you find joy in your pursuits. I do not want to care or question or wonder anymore. 

I will love myself and that will be enough.

The Campfire

Women flock to each other for emotional support, we tend and befriend. In crisis, we function better by connecting with other women, by talking things out, using them as trusted sounding boards.

Men, on the other hand, retreat to their caves, preferring to handle it alone. I have asked hubby's friends to reach out to him, however they may not have had time to meet. It's okay, he will manage this. He is a grown man, and for all I know, already have a circle of women around him giving support (as we speak).

I realise now that my real sweethearts are my children. They have been very understanding throughout this second marriage, they have banded together and took care of each other on days I spent at hubby's house tending to him. Now that I am back, I am loving the moments with them. Getting to know them again, being reminded of their joys, their endless beauty and their quirks. This is the truest purest love.

I have gotten my campfire going and the stories coming out of it are super-fabulous. What is left now is to collect my scattered wits and keep walking with confidence. Or rather, I will fake it until I make it. And make it I will. Watch this space!

Memories

A marriage should ideally be built on love and trust.

It can possibly be built without much love (on his part) or trust (on my part); it can last 5 years even, but it will eventually break at the seams. It will not be able to sustain the onslaught of external pressure, the multitude of questions, and matters of the heart (such as: who does he love?)

I must point out here that as a person, he is wonderful.

Patient, caring, sensitive, understanding, open, discursive.

[So was my ex-husband, come to think of it, until he found someone else to love.]

Hubby was able to love many people, I agree that proves a point that a man can love many women, but in my binary mind that doesn't fly very well. I understand romantic love this way: you either love a person, or not. When he loves other people, my mind translates that he doesn't love me.

Maybe he did (love me), and my next question is: how much?

Aiza has always been around, so has Che Na, and then there's me = the radar blip.

Compared to his legendary loves, I am literally nothing. I have come to accept that.

I will hold our memories dear, memories that may have been interspersed with Aiza's and Che Na's due to their foreboding presence throughout our married life.

What's different now is: I DO NOT HAVE TO CARE ANYMORE.

All these anxiety-inducing moments, the "what-if"s, the "what-have-you-done"s, the "who-was-that"s, the "what's this about"s, I CAN LET ALL THESE GO & NOT DEAL WITH THEM ANYMORE.

I wish the best for him, on a personal level. May he find the love/ person he seeks.

Equilibrium (2024)

There will come a point when everything settles and we will be okay.

We have not reached that point yet, but we will get there soon.

I do not want to be too dramatic, although I usually am, but everything will work out eventually.

No more questioning, or going back and forth, or justifying, or dwelling in uncertainty.

The path, despite being strewn with debris, is clear and undamaged. I am good. I am cool. I will survive, and carry my battle scars onward. Life is beautiful; it has SO MUCH to offer.

I HAVE TO KEEP IT TOGETHER 👸 

How's about some Inspiration? | Hold my Crown

What type of marriage do I look for?

The type that lasts, obviously.

For want of better examples, I am going to draw from celebrity marriages.

Because theirs get challenged by 200 different things: groupies, busy schedules, wealth/ status, ego, public scrutiny (and keyboard warriors), paparazzi, publicity.. you name it.

What made them go on and continue to love their other half?

I think it's just the decision they made to be with each other: WE will do this, WE will walk through fire & brimstone, and come out on the other end TOGETHER.

Some examples that come to mind right now:

Jon Bon Jovi

Denzel Washington

Rob Thomas 

Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson

Chris Hemsworth & Elsa Pataky

Snoop Dogg

Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively

Samuel L. Jackson

Ozzy & Sharon

It is sweet to see them staying together. Only God knows what type of effort goes behind their union. Inspiring, to say the least. And I fully believe that each of them have made a firm & genuine decision to love & be with the other, to love and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do they part.

Keep Moving Forward

This phrase came from (Walt) Disney, and was added to the end credits in "The Robinsons".

Please check the accuracy, because this came from memory & not google.

In the context of the movie, the main character has the attitude of innovation, and keeps moving forward despite multiple dud efforts. Commendable. That's how businesses thrive, by not stopping.

Anywhoooo, it is a good phrase.

I will do that.

In my context, I want to keep walking.

Baby steps and stumbling, but move forward I shall.

The journey will be exciting and wonderful.

Painful initially, but I have me, my children, my mom + siblings & my friends.

We will all move forward together, and be better persons in the end.

The track song from that movie "Little Wonders" is pretty good too.

A cry-inducing song, under the right conditions.

"It's the heart that really matters in the end."

Black & White

Life, and people, are not black & white.

Not referring to the skin colour, but the dimensions (not size + height either).

Just saying that things may not be clear cut, or cut and dry.

There is depth in character, there is context in an event, there are explanations that one should seek.

In my books, when my significant other loves someone else, he doesn't love me anymore.

But men would argue that his/ their heart has the capacity to love more than 1 woman.

I once dated a married man, shortlived, and he LOVED his wife to the moon and back.

And here I am, interfering and secondary. Couldn't stand the ethical dilemma & broke it off.

Hubby defended himself and said that all these other women were his friends.

As of now, he has effectively let go of all these "relationships".

My mind is made up, and I know what I want to do.

When a mess up like this happens, he no longer can control or influence my decisions.

I go on "vigilante" mode & forge my own path, thank you very much.

Just needed a reason to cry

Sometimes I just need to release the sadness contained within.

I remembered Cameron Diaz' character in "The Holiday" who just could not cry.

I feel like that sometimes. I want to cry but couldn't.

So this morning on FB, I read about a refugee who fled his country and became an American's neighbour. The American posted on her wall that she was asked "Why are you too skinny" (in poor English). She answered that she has had surgery recently & recovering. He send homemade yoghurt bread to her the next day. If that is not a reason to cry, I don't know what is... because I can no longer cry at the quality of my students' work 🤡

Next, I should probably go watch a movie. Anne Hathaway's "The Idea of You" recently got released in the States. Waiting for it to hit our shores!